This is a guest post from Erin of Home and Grace. Please welcome her to R+H! I invited her to share her voice in this space and I hope you’ll enjoy her thoughts as much as I do. xo, B.
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Like many moms in 2012, I soaked up Pamela Druckerman’s book, Bringing Up Bébé. At the time I had an 18-month-old daughter and was expecting my son.
While I had a good start into motherhood, I was still getting my feet beneath me. My daughter hadn’t given my husband and me too rough of a go. She slept through the night at four months, was a great eater and even obeyed us. However, I still wondered how I would develop and maintain authority, handle the power struggles of the “terrible twos” and what exactly was I supposed to think about her growing independence?
While most of Druckerman’s words affirmed what I already did (I AM a French parent!) others exposed my shortcomings (I’m SUCH an American parent!) and offered perfect, sensible solutions.
Basically, it seemed if I adopted all French practices I was destined to be the calm, collected, sexy mom I wanted to be and my children would be the well-behaved, independent and gourmet-eating children I wanted them to be. I was fortified in what I already did and determined to incorporate the new principles I learned.
I was going to be a French parent.
Then two things happened. First, my son was born. At the time I did not consider myself an attachment-style parent, though I incorporated aspects in raising my daughter. My son, however, was an attachment-style baby. For the first six months, he would only sleep on my or my husband’s chest and was only happy when being worn. I began to see the value in all the attachment principles, and while I still don’t 100 percent prescribe to attachment parenting, it does inform many of my child-rearing decisions.
Second, I read this article in The Economist. Turns out the French are more pessimistic than Iraqis and are the second most unhappy in the Western world.
Yes, the parents Druckerman depicts as having ascended to parenting nirvana are miserable. But why? Their kids are well behaved, don’t need constant supervision and eat fantastically. The government subsidizes healthcare and daycare, and the community takes an active roll encouraging right behavior.
So what makes them so unhappy? There are a whole host of psychological and sociological reasons for France’s malaise but could some of their seemingly wonderful parenting practices actually be contributing factors to their unhappiness?
Un-attachment parenting
From the day their children are born, French parents encourage their children to be as independent as possible. This means very little, if any, breastfeeding and separate sleeping arrangements. As readers of Red + Honey you don’t need me to sing breastfeeding’s praises. I do, however, want to point out the special connection made while breastfeeding. This connection can be made with bottle feeding, but when a culture sees breastfeeding as unnecessary and inconvenient, few mothers try and thus mom and baby miss out on the special trust, affinity and quality time breastfeeding provides.
Druckerman doesn’t go into detail about sleeping arrangements, but I think it’s fair to assume French babies don’t sleep with their parents. Yes, French babies sleep through the night sooner than most American babies, but at what cost? Physical closeness at night encourages proper development in newborns and small children and gives them confidence and security.
While a certain level of detachment is healthy I believe that when parents and children share a strong bond their relationship is better for it. When that bond is not created each person is left on their own and becomes self-centered.
Selfish parenting
If American parents err on the side of over-indulging their children, French parents err on the side of over-indulging themselves.
What struck me most in re-reading Bringing Up Bébé was how many French parenting practices seem selfish: sending newborns to daycare (even before moms went back to work) and older children on extended solo trips, eliminating practices that inconvenience parents (breastfeeding, playing with their children, giving up a career) and remnants of the philosophy that children are to be seen and not heard.
While they have to make sacrifices, the French seem unwilling to give up more than is absolutely necessary. This means that at a very young age children have lives separate from their parents, which only become more divergent as they get older.
This, I think, leads to the heart of the French unhappiness issue. The most meaningful love is sacrificial; one that gives of itself for the other, puts its own desires aside and makes the other’s well being more important than its own. Yes, it’s hard. In giving of yourself for your child you have to look beyond your own feelings and recognize you are not the center of the universe. Otherwise you become consumed with yourself and are more likely to become dissatisfied when your wants and desires aren’t met.
Children are parent’s greatest opportunity to sacrifice and serve, to look beyond themselves. This can lead to satisfaction, gratitude and, ultimately, joy. Of course the French sacrifice for their children, but it’s their unwillingness to sacrifice beyond what is absolutely necessary that makes me question many of their practices and believe it negatively affects their overall happiness.
Where to go from here
There are many things French parents do well. They clearly establish boundaries, take time to care for themselves and spend time as a couple, and their kids eat well and are polite. But they’re not perfect, certainly not as perfect as Druckerman describes. And Americans aren’t as bad, either. We are there for our children and create bonds of love that are not easily broken.
We can import some good parenting practices and export some as well. No one culture has all the answers and it’s easier to criticize our own while holding up another.
So tonight, when the kids are finally in bed and the house is quiet, pour yourself a glass of wine and sit on your couch, which is probably covered in toys and unfolded laundry, and relax, knowing you have done your best for your children and you are happy for it.
Which parenting philosophy best describes you? Have you read Druckerman’s book?
Erin Long is out to prove that getting married and having kids doesn’t have to equal settling down. She married her high school sweetheart before they finished university, had her daugher while living in Hungary and son while in Canada. They currently live at ‘home’ in small-town Oregon until thier next overseas adventure. She shares about living small, going green and finding joy in the everyday at Home & Grace. She would love to see you on Facebook and Pinterest. Her only time in France was spent chaperoning 40 Hungarian high schoolers on a 12-hour highlights tour while 27 weeks pregnant.
Marie
Hi
I’m a french young woman. I lived a year in north america. When I heard people saying that north americans are fat and ignorants, I tell them how wrong they are, that there is every kind of people in every place of the world. I would like to say the same to Pamela Druckerman : there is as many differents ways to be a mother in France than there is mothers in France. And it is the same things all around the world. Statistics aren’t real life. I know french mums who went back to full work a few weeks after they gave birth. I know french mums who stopped working to raise their kids. I know french mums who choose not to breastfeed, others who coud’nt, others who breastfeed for months.
There isn’t such things as “french parenting” or ‘north american parenting”. There is thousands of parents and as many ways of being one.
Or so I think.
Danielle
I enjoyed this post! I haven’t read the book yet, although I have wanted to for awhile. I do believe in creating independent children, but also know how important it is to spend time playing with them and creating a lasting bond. But, I do disagree that sleeping with your child creates independence. I believe sleeping with your child creates dependence…they are depending on you to soothe them back to sleep, when they need to learn that themselves. Both my kids slept through the night very early and I’m thankful for that. Good post, though. I almost want to read the book now just out of curiosity!
Erin Long of Home and Grace
I’m glad you liked the post and it rekindled your interest! It’s definitely worth reading but with a pretty heavy filter.
Sleep and independence/dependence is a tricky thing. My daughter never wanted to sleep with us when she was a baby (which was fine with me) but at 2 1/2 she decided she didn’t want to sleep alone anymore and no amount of consistently putting her back in bed could convince her to stay there. So we gave in and she sleeps with us. She’s extremely independent during the day and I think she just wants the extra comfort of mom and dad being there at night. I think it’s just best to do what works for you and each child and it’s great that both your kids are great sleepers! It is something to be thankful for.
sarahkeith
Great post! I read this book before my (now 17 month old) daughter was born and I was really interested to try out some of the techniques. However, I ultimately decided to do what felt right for my family, which has been much more of an attachment-style approach to many things. I do love the french way of eating and hope to instill some of those values in my daughter.
French parenting does seem more geared towards getting back to a pre-baby lifestyle as quickly as possible, and I’ve just found that I really want to relish this baby stage and enjoy it. I don’t mind attending to her needs at night or whatever– I feel it’s part of my duty as a parent.
Erin Long of Home and Grace
It’s one thing to read about being a parent and another to be one, huh? You are definitely right that you just have to find what works for you. I also really appreciate the French approach to feeding and eating. We incorporate a lot of the ideas. I definitely agree with enjoying the baby stage – it’s too short to not soak it up!
Christie
I found this post especially helpful as someone who does not currently have children but likely will in the future; such great highlights of French-style parenting and attachment-style parenting.
I will admit that parts of French parenting really appeal to me, which I imagine is influenced by my own life. I was adopted at 3 months, so attachment parenting would have looked quite different for my mother. I am also an only child, and learning independence was really valuable for me. All that said, I anticipate that my future parenting practices will lean more towards an attachment style; in many ways, it just makes more sense (especially to my touchy-feely heart).
Great post Erin! I’ll have to read this book sometime soon!
Erin Long of Home and Grace
Sorry for the super-late response! Thechnical difficulties.
I’m so glad this gave you some food for throught! Our childhood has such a great influence on our parenting and it sounds like your mom was able to achieve attachment and give you the independence you needed – a great balance!
Victoria
What a wonderful post Erin! Personally, I could never fathom the idea of sending a newborn to daycare or not breastfeeding my baby because of it being inconvenient. I agree that children are parent’s greatest opportunity to look beyond themselves. Until I had my son, I had never truly experienced putting someone else first. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel that it is important to not lose yourself in the midst of being a parent. But while learning to sacrifice for another, I myself have become a better person and have really experienced this joy that you are talking about. Thanks for the informative and interesting read!
Erin Long of Home & Grace
You summed it up so well! Sacrificial love is such a beautiful and powerful thing and there is no better teacher than your own child!
Molly
You hit the nail on the head at what stood out to me when I heard someone talking about this book last year. It all seemed very “unattached” to an extreme level. Someone was describing a scene laid out in the book (I believe) about French parents at a playground/park and how they would basically go about their business as the children played. The author and friend reading the book sung praises about how well managed and behaved the kids are, but I was troubled by the lack of interaction it showed.
Granted I often take a book to the park and encourage my son to make friends and play on his own, but there was something so severe about the description of the interaction that didn’t not interest me at all.
Oh well, to each their own.
Erin Long of Home & Grace
That scenario is in the book. I’m with you in encouraging our kids to do their own thing without us being right there but the French do seem to take it a step or two further. There is value in parents being involved in their childrens’ lives and I do believe the French are missing out on it!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post!
Janice Elrdridge
I so enjoyed the post and so agree about the importance of individualized child rearing. Because we have such wonderful relationships with our 3 adult children. As a parent we must always parent for each child and the situation, even in the letting go. My husband and I chose to raise our children to let them go and it is fun to see them soar. Even the difficult times lead to special times.
Erin Long of Home & Grace
With two little ones rig now, it’s hard to think about the ‘letting go’ stage but I do see the benefit of making that a smooth transition a goal. Finding the balance between creating a secure attachment while knowing one day your children need to detach is hard! Good for you for achieving it!
Belle
Well written, thought out, and how very tongue-in-cheek humorous!
i so agree with you. Parenting is not cookie-cutter because God created such beautiful and amazing individuals!
I have everything from high schoolers to toddlers in my house and I can tell ya, I’ve NOT to think I have anything figured out because God will see to it that I’m set straight! But boundaries and unconditional love keep our house functioning and thriving!
Nice to meet you and what wonderful insight!
Erin Long of Home and Grace
Thanks, Belle! I’m SO glad you enjoyed the post!
I agree that parenting needs to be adapted to the needs of the parents and each individual child – I think that’s one of the advantages of the American model over the French because we can make a parenting model that works for us.
And yes, love and boundaries should always be at the core!