Going out in public these days is officially a circus.
Not because my children knock over $700 10-feet-tall stuffed giraffes in the toy store, narrowly missing the cashier’s head amidst her proclamation of seeing her life flash before her eyes (true story). Not because my children are little and cute, sporting things like pint-sized polo shirts and bouncy pigtails and little pink flip-flops, and strangers can’t help but smile at them (also true). And not because my children act like, well, children… at times when I wish they’d just stay still and quiet for two seconds (definitely true).
No, going out in public is officially a circus because I happen to have three children. They could be running around Starbucks like little tasmanian devils shooting nerf guns at the baristas’ heads (hasn’t happened yet, fingers crossed that it stays that way…) or they could be sitting angelically and adorably in the double stroller + ergo (which they did today). It wouldn’t matter – I’d get the eyes bugging out of heads and lots of wow/yikes/oh my! every time.
In the last two days I’ve been told no less than four times that “Wow! You have your hands full!” and have been referred to as a “group” (so we qualify for a group rate, then? excellent…). It usually starts with someone asking how old the baby is, then it spirals downward into how old the others are (especially when I phrase it as 3 kids 3 and under), how busy I must be (pshh, not at all…), and how brave I am (I have a feeling this may be code for crazy, yes?).
I just wanna know one thing: since when is three kids “a lot of kids“?
Answer: Since the 1960’s, I guess.
The fertility rate in our country fell below replacement in the mid-1970’s. That’s 2.1 kids per woman. We’ve been having less than 2.1 babies per woman for over four decades now. Having 7+ children hasn’t been in fashion since the 1870’s and prior, so sometimes I breezily tack on a “yup, and we’re hoping to have more!” just for the sheer fun of seeing people’s faces contort in awkward ways.
I also sometimes cheerily chirp something along the lines of “But I can’t imagine anything more fulfilling to do with my days!” in the hopes of perhaps redeeming a tiny bit of society’s stereotype of the harried, stressed, and burdened mother who sludges through her days with desperation and nothing even close to resembling satisfaction and happiness. It’s true – I can’t imagine anything more fulfilling. This, however, usually only serves to gain me more crazy-eyes and incredulous looks.
Having “lots” of kids and being truly happy in the midst of it is just not a common thing anymore. I get that. It just makes me kinda sad.
My days may be busy and my hands may be full, but let me tell you something…
It’s the best circus I’ve ever seen.
JC
When I was growing up 3 seemed to be the average. I was the oldest of 5 so we were considered a big family. We currently have 3 with the youngest (and only biological child) being 10. Not by choice. However, God has promised many more. We will be opening a maternity home some day and I will have a houseful of girls for years to come. Some we’ll get to love for a short time and others we will finish raising but we will love them all as our own.
R&H Assistant
This made my heart so happy. You are truly a wonderful, blessed person. Those girls will be so fortunate to have you.
Audrey
We have 7 and are praying for more! 🙂 I have heard all the comments & it does get old. I, too, had a girl & boy for my first, & when hugely pregnant with my third was told I was “ruining my perfect family”. I often wonder what that lady would think if she could see me now! lol I love the people who take the time to tell me that my children are such nice/well behaved kids or how nice it is to see a large family, I try to return the encouragement when I see other “large” families.
Julie
lol. I love saying “Me too!” with a big smile when people give me the “I’m glad it’s you and not me!” line.lol. I don’t think they understand what I’m saying until well after I’ve gone. It’s so much fun.
You know what’s funny is I noticed more people saying something to me about my “large” family back when I only had 3 children. Strange, huh?
The comments, especially the, ‘Boy, you’ve got your hands full!” really do get so old. I guess there’s not much to their cookie cutter imagination.
I like what one of the other moms said about telling them “this is only half of them” because I have 5 on earth and four in heaven so it nearly describes me too. The sweet comments from elderly people always surprise me somehow. I guess it’s because I grew up with my mom (second oldest of 11) always pitying her mother and associating all the children her mother had with the reason my grandmother died of cancer. So strange. Thankfully my mom hasn’t given me any flack for having more than two children.
Doreen
Thank you Beth for sharing your beautiful family. Your blog is amazing! I too have a large family. I have 5 beautiful girls, and I have to say, watching the youngest graduate from high school and get ready for college was….tearful (both happy and sad). If I could go back and do it all over, the only thing I would change would have been to have 1 or 2 more children.( no kidding) We also have 3 awesome grandchildren that I love to spoil! Grandma’s can do that! 🙂 Thanks again for sharing your family! I look forward to reading your next post. 🙂
Beth Ricci
Really? You would have had more? That really makes a tired mama think. It’s tempting to just wanna be done with the baby stage and “get on with things”… but I certainly don’t want to have any regrets about what I choose! Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂
Steph
Yes with three kids those comments sound all-too familiar. Or course it helps when there is a set of twins involved. I had sort of thought that was the main reason, but if people see me with just the girls, I don’t really get much for comments until I tell them about their big brother. And obviously since you’re getting the comments with 3 and no twins…..well you get the picture.
(PS – it was nice to get to see you in person again, if only for a couple minutes. You have a beautiful family)
Steph
Ah, can’t type tonight…that’s “of” course.
Beth Ricci
It was so nice to see you again too! I wish we would have had time to sit and chat over a coffee or tea. Next time, perhaps! 🙂
Jule Kurzawa
I just read the Old Farmer’s Almanac 2013 article last night- The Perils of Parenting Through the Ages. According to Andrea Curry: “18th Century American parents raised seven to nine children, on average. Canadians in the same period attained one of the highest birth rates ever observed — 10.8 children per mother, on average.” — “Today… the Canadian rate is 1.68.”
Children are the gift of God;
you are blessed!
Beth Ricci
I am indeed! Thanks for the stats… so interesting! 🙂
Amy
The Canadian birthrate might have been seriously skewed upwards by the French Canadians. They were fighting the “war of the cradle” – there was recognition that their culture and people might be lost to overwhelming English immigration at the time.
No, of course, the same French Canadians are lucky if they decide to indulge in the 1 these days. (I should know – my ancestors popped over to the American side of the border in the 1800’s. The trends were the same on both sides of the border.) So it would not surprise me to learn in 2-3 generations that most of French Canada has gone the way of the do-do bird.
Heidi @ Food Doodles
Oh my goodness, I love this post… I have 3 too and everywhere I go I always get “wow, you have your hands full”. At first it was fine, but now that my little one is 4 months it’s REALLY old. Sure, it’s difficult (all the time, not just going out), but I love it! 🙂 People give me the weirdest reactions when I tell them we might not be done yet either. It bothered me at first, but it’s hilarious now. Why is having more than 2 kids(and enjoying it!) such a weird thing these days? It makes me sad too. Occasionally I’ll have older people say something really sweet and it makes me happy to know we aren’t alone. That’s why I loved reading this post 🙂
I just read your about page, and I can hardly believe how similar we are(married our high school sweethearts, etc). We’re from BC – it’s nice to meet another Canadian!
Melissa
Yep, I’ve been getting that comment for a decade or so…… I almost always retort that,”this is only half of them.” (I have 4 more in heaven.) I cannot imagine a better career than raising and loving my 5 earthbound children and yes we are proud to homeschool too. Blessings to you. Btw, my oldest are 18 months apart and our newest sweetie is 1 year! We revel in enjoying her! She is 7years behind the pack.
Beth Ricci
7 years behind? Wow, that must be so fun for your whole family! Love your comment 🙂
Katrina Carson
I’ve gotten this & I only have 2!! Mostly I got this well pregnant but a little since, especially when people find out they are 18 months apart. I just tell them my hands are full of good things. I don’t ever want them to hear a conversation like that & hear from me that they are a ‘burden’ since I have never felt that way & I always feel like that is what the other person is implying.
Beth Ricci
Yes, I totally think that’s what other people are implying as well, and it’s so annoying.
jordan
Yep, get those comments ALL the time! just LOVE it when people ask, “are you done now?” I usually just smile and say, “we’ll see.” I love having a “big” family, but to me it really doesnt feel like a lot of kids. we have 6. (One in heaven) and #7 is due the end of november. I love the comments from the older generations, the ones who came from big families, or had their own large family. They are always so nice, and say how great things were having so many people around them. there are those not so nice people who make you feel like side show freaks though. To them i just smile and continue with my shopping. I have heard many times how my children behave so well compared to other kids from smaller families, (guess they didnt hear the meltdown we had a couple isles over when i wouldnt buy the toys they HAD TO HAVE lol)But I love having more than 1little person around me. Makes life so much more enjoyable! (Kids are 9, 8, 6, 4, 2)
Marissa
And here I thought, they just picked on me! Especially when I have my big stroller. Mostly I get neutral or positive comments but since I only have three I still find it strange. Twice i have had a woman stop me to say how well I did with my little ones and that they could see how much I enjoyed and valued my children. Comments like that are nice:).
Lexie
Having three boys and when I say boys I mean BOY’S it’s a challenge even to go to the grocerie store and most days it’s doable but it’s when they are acting like children often do that’s when u get the most I can’t believe she’s letting her children act like that looks and it’s not a great feeling my boys are 9,3,1 . Fun right . Any suggestions on how to get my 16 month old to use his words instead of high pitched ear drum busting scream he can totally talk but refuses to
Mrs. Mom of 6
I like to use something I call the “hand over mouth” method. Of course I’m not smothering the child!… when the screaming begins, place your hand over the mouth (never over the nose), and repeat “No screaming” calmly. Hold your hand there until the child is ready to gasp for air then release, if he continues with the scream after that cover again immediately. REPEAT ad nauseum, until he is quiet or just about quiet then remove the hand saying “good! no screaming 🙂 ” Then ask him to say a word that he CAN say, perhaps Mama (we use Mama for EVERYTHING until the child demonstrates mastery of another word.) If he wants a drink its “say mama!” (when you request this use a cheerful tone, only getting stern if he is demonstrating outright defiance) if he wants a toy its “say mama!” this reinforces that we want him to speak without putting stress on them to remember all the words all the time. Never give a screaming child the object of their desire. If you can’t make them stop screaming with the hand over the mouth, and you feel you will lose your cool, then you should put him in his bed until the fit is over. Then ask him to say “mama” (or whatever word you choose) and give him the object he desires. Teaching young children this takes a long time, especially if you haven’t done it from the very first scream… but if you remain firm, gentle, and consistent, I’d say 1-2 weeks (maybe a month) and he’ll be over it. (Unless he has some other outstanding problem, for instance one of my children had Sensory Processing Disorder, and this method did not work with her, because she was over stimulated all the time. But it worked with all 4 other kids.)
Jessi
I can absolutely relate! I get that allll the time! I had three three and under. ” oh your soo busy!”” you have your hands full!” . Kinda tiresome! Aww well eh?
Beth Ricci
i know that people (generally) mean well… they probably just don’t know what else to say. it is kinda tiresome though 🙂
Mrrs. Mom of 6
Hehe… We have five kids, and I have been getting those same stares, and comments and “looks” since baby three, and I didn’t have quite the “circus” you do 🙂 my first two were “decently” three years apart. lol…
Course these days I am about to bear my fith in six years, or my sixth child 9 and under. This sort of circus REALLY sends people for a loop…. I taught my kids to walk “ducks in a row” oldest (and tallest) leading in descending order, or “reverse ducks’ with littlest (smallest) following mommy in ascending order. People absolutely LOVE to watch this “parade”. My kids’ heads all stair step and it gives other people absolute delight to watch us passing. Especially on days when Momma keeps her smile on.
I have days of harried, hurried, chaos… but I work really hard towards peace, and calm, and quiet. The looks and comments usually make me want to laugh these days, but BOY they get old! LOL seems like no one is that creative, everyone says the SAME things “hands full” or “you’re brave” or (after baby 5) “you must have a TON of patience” LOL… I get the biggest kick out of that one, since I am about the most impatient person I know (next to my three year old).But I do aim for patient.
I hope that by being an active presence in the public eye, with all my kids in tow, I will somehow be a beacon of light, that children are a blessing, a reward from God, and they should be cherished, not disdained.
I can’t wait to hear what people say when baby six arrives in a couple months! I also hope that the Lord blesses me with more.
Enjoy the circus! It calms down rather quickly… I’m beginning to see the end of “circus” days, and the beginning of much more order and quiet, when my older kids are able to be very helpful, and they enjoy helping to care for the littlest among us. (I am finally at a place where I dress ONLY MYSELF! ha!) My nine year old dresses his baby brother (15 m) and his baby brother ADORES him for it… what greater reward can there be than to be admired and adored and loved by a toddler? 🙂
I’m loving this life! God bless!
Beth Ricci
I’m really looking forward to that – when the oldest is, well, older (past the preschool stage!). I’m curious – have you gotten any comments that you really loved? Anything unique and positive?
Mrs.Mom of 6
Typically the comments that I love are the ones that start “I’m the youngest of ….” or “I’m the oldest of….” and then insert some number over 4. 🙂 Those are usually uplifting, and positive, and with those people I often have a subsequent conversation that is uplifting. One lady recently said “I am one in a set of twins, the youngest of nine.” I thought that was great, because I hope for twins one day… and having them last would be the icing on the cake… plenty of older kids to help me with them, and a double blessing to finish things off.
Beth Ricci
Your love and hope for many children is refreshing. Love it! Blessings to you and your family!
Lola
Sometimes I get the very rude comments like the cashier who exclaimed “I sure hope this is your last!” but sometimes I get positive comments… usually from parents who had large families as well. Sometimes I give eye twinkling grins to people who say “well now you can be done because you got your boy”.
Beth Ricci
Yikes! That is a seriously rude cashier!!! What did you say??
Mrs. Mom of 6
Once, when I had only two, a boy and a girl, an older woman stopped me in the store to say how cute they were, and how wonderful that I had “the perfect American family”. I thought she was very nice and friendly, until I said “oh yes, and I’m pregnant.” and she replied “oh no! what are you going to do about that!” UHM…. I’m going to have a baby that I love? I was shocked… I wished my two littles hadn’t heard that at all. But thankfully they were very young, didn’t understand her meaning, and have plenty of positive influences to compensate! SHEESH!
Beth Ricci
Oh my goodness. People need to remember their social filters before leaving the house. What a terrible comment!! Glad your kids didn’t pick up on it!
kelly
Oh Beth, I can so absolutely relate. And I think you’re right that “brave” is code for crazy.
Occasionally people will say to me “I’m glad it’s you and not me!” to which I reply with a half-jesting smile: “me too!”
Beth Ricci
Hahahaha! Love your response to that one!