This is the fourth instalment of a series I am doing on breastfeeding in public. You can read the first three posts here:
Uninhibited Breastfeeding in Public {Reclaiming My Womanhood From Perversity}
Uninhibited Breastfeeding in Public {Is It Obscene and Inappropriate?}
Uninhibited Breastfeeding in Public {Not Worth the Controversy?}
***
People stared at me as I walked through the mall. My face was disfigured and swollen practically beyond recognition, with deep nasty bruises from my eyes down to my neck on both sides. I could see people shifting their gazes when I noticed them staring at me uncomfortably.
I was 18 years old and I had undergone major reconstructive jaw surgery two weeks prior.
Both of my jaws had been broken, repositioned, and fastened in place with screws and plates. The top jaw was impacted (shortened) and the bottom jaw was lengthened. I was in the hospital longer and had a longer recovery than my boyfriend’s (now husband’s) grandfather who had undergone quadruple bypass open heart surgery just two days prior. The swelling and bruising eventually faded, and after a pure liquid diet for 2 months (which dropped me down to around 90lbs) I was able to begin eating again.
***
This was my only taste of being physically different (unless you count having red hair – haha), and it was only temporary. Still – the feeling of being stared at by people who uncomfortably shifted their gazes away will stay with me forever. Some people endure this kind of social ostracizing their whole lives if they have a visible disability or disfigurement. I used to have a coworker who has an extremely large growth on half of her face about the size of a pineapple (or bigger). I don’t know the whole medical background, but I do know that she’s had it for most of her life. I found it difficult to not feel slightly awkward or uncomfortable when speaking with her face to face, even after working in the same office every day.
Now what does this all have to do with breastfeeding in public, you ask? Well, by large the most common reason that I was given as to why we should not breastfeed in public without a cover is that it makes people uncomfortable. Some claim that it is more loving to avoid making someone feel uncomfortable, and that it’s not worth causing a controversy.
“I guess I figure if breastfeeding makes people uncomfortable, and it doesn’t hurt to cover up, and it isn’t sin to cover up, why wouldn’t I cover up?”
This comment left on one of my previous posts is rather typical of the position that I’m discussing here, so I’ll use it as an example. Now, let’s replace the word “breastfeeding” in that sentence with “the disfigurement”. Should my coworker have come to work every day with a large covering over half of her head so that none of us had to look at it and be uncomfortable? Or perhaps she should have just stayed home? Or worked in a separate room where no one had to see her?
Is it the responsibility of the disabled person, burn victim, or person with the disfigurement to “cover it up” so that others don’t feel uncomfortable? Or, perhaps, is it the responsibility of those around her to “get over it” and treat her with respect and dignity despite their emotional reaction at the sight of her? Who bears responsibility for those uncomfortable feelings (which, I should remind you, are the result of the wrong and perverted message of our over-sexualized pornographic culture)?
Now I’m certainly not saying that breastfeeding and a physical disfigurement are identical situations. There are obvious differences, like the fact that breastfeeding is not a 24/7 deal (though new mamas probably feel that way!), whereas having a disfigurement or disability is not something that you can stop having.
Nonetheless, I do think there is a valid comparison here. The assertion being made is that we should avoid making people uncomfortable. I just want to know why. Since when is feeling uncomfortable such a terrible thing? Historically it has been a necessary side effect of many instances of social change as new ideas were brought into acceptance. I think of things like racial integration in the 1960’s, and women’s rights in the early twentieth century. Then I think of things like having a large family (I’ve heard mamas of many children tell over and over again about the nasty looks and ridiculously rude comments they get in public). If one day I have a large number of children (like 5 or more), should I avoid taking my family out in public all at once? It will most certainly cause people to feel uncomfortable! Perhaps I should take them out only in groups of two or three so as to not to ick people out with the evidence of my lively sex life and my rejecting of modern society’s negative bias against children?
If you affirm that the disabled and disfigured should cover up or hide away, and that my (theoretical) eight children should avoid going out in public together, well then I shall agree that I definitely should use a nursing cover as to not make you or anyone else feel the slightest bit awkward (actually, no I won’t. I will likely think you completely ridiculous and rude, to be honest). But I don’t think any reasonable person would actually affirm that.
From a spiritual point of view, I do not believe that breastfeeding in public could possibly “cause a man to stumble” any more than eating in public, walking in public, or just being in public! First of all, we should always interpret scripture in context, and in this case the passage is referring to food issues and the OT laws against unclean meat. It is saying that we should not eat something that someone else thinks is unclean if it causes them to stumble and eat it against their conscience. Does seeing me breastfeed in public cause someone who thinks that breast milk is forbidden by scripture to stumble and drink breast milk against their conscience? Somehow I don’t think so.
Even if you could apply that scripture to this situation, you would need to also be consistent. If seeing a non-sexual act of breastfeeding a child could “cause a man to stumble”, then I feel compelled to point out that seeing a woman’s hair, neck, legs, etc. could also do the same. This goes back perfectly to my discussion on modesty, and I ask then Why Don’t We All Just Wear Burqas? I contend, rather, that the man is responsible for his own thoughts, his own perverted thoughts, and his own sin. Most of us know that breasts have been over-sexualized by our culture to an unhealthy and harmful extent. Breastfeeding is not a sexual act – it is actually our culture’s distorted view of a woman’s body that is to blame for this theoretical discomfort and awkwardness.
So, where does that leave us? If breastfeeding makes others feel uncomfortable, should I use a cover? If a man sees me breastfeeding my baby and it results in him lusting and sinning sexually in his mind, then should I use a cover? (never mind that most men still know what I’m doing and are perfectly capable of using their imaginations if they want to, which can still result in lust and sin). Or, should I breastfeed my baby without a cover (assuming I want to, of course) and contribute to the normalization of breastfeeding in our culture as a beautiful and natural act of love by a mother to her baby? I strongly believe the latter, and I wholeheartedly reject the notion that I am in any way responsible for the awkward feelings of others that come from such a situation.
What do you think?
Bri
I have no issue with mother’s nursing in public uncovered. BUT I don’t see the need to nurse with your whole breast hanging out. Like your comparison between disfigurement and breastfeeding you could also compare the temptation of chocolate (a weakness of many of us) and the temptation of our sinful flesh like a man lusting over a breast. If it’s placed openly before you it’s not always easy to pass.
On another point if you can’t be discreet and there’s young boys around and they have so much negative exposure of sexuality regarding breasts that seeing a nursing mom could in fact encourage negative behavior. I have an 18 month old boy. And when I’m nursing now I don’t make a big deal and cover up at home but when he’s older and understands that boobs are privates and he’s curious about them I’ll cover up to nurture the idea that he doesn’t need to see a women’s privates that they’re her own. Also to respect myself that I’m not putting myself on display. Because there are those that publicly nurse exposed and you get the vibe that it’s for attention but then yes there are those that feed their babies publicly uncovered because they love their baby.
kitta
It must be hard for a baby to breathe and drink covered up under a blanket. Why should we cover up when the beauty of it all that we are made to feed our infants (toddlers) with our breasts. I can´t understand why some nations do not allow mothers to breastfeed in public. I live in a country where you can breastfeed everywhere and you do not have to cover up. People actually stop to take a look at the mother and the baby to see the beauty. No one is feeling discomforted. Actually people just feel the love.
JC
Love the discussion. I was unable to breastfeed my son when he was a baby for several reasons but very much hope to be able to do so the next time around. This discussion have given much to think about.
Staci
I wholeheartedly agree! Well said. These are the exact words I’ve been saying and as a mother of many have had the chance to feed in many different ways. My preference by and large is uncovered modest feeding and with the mood that I’m not doing anything wrong. I think that if more believers, who know what modesty is would practice feeding as needed where needed, and yet maintain that simple elegance of feeding without flaunting, it would help change the view. 🙂 (Though I would challenge people to show me a woman who TRULY set out to flaunt when she nursed, I have yet to meet one)
Kmarie
P.s… Even if I am uncomfortable I need to take responsibility for my own reactions. Leave the room and come back another time. That being said I am not uncomfortable;)
Kmarie
Wow. Go Beth. I saw your post on alicia side blog and came over. I really liked this. Life is so short and wasted for those who consume it with how we all ” should be or act.” it does need to be addressed. We all just need to be considerate to whom we are and I think you are being very considerate in this strong post. I completely agree with all of this. Excellent post. Excellent. Sometimes the posts that don’t garner comments or the most support make the greater impact;)
Beth
Thanks Kmarie! Your encouragement just made my night! I appreciate so much that you said that I was considerate yet strong. That’s exactly what I aim for, given my passionate personality 🙂
Grace
You have got it right. I think sometimes in our society people don’t like to take responsibility for themselves, which is what I feel is the key message in your post here. If an individual feels uncomfortable than I believe it is that individuals responsibility to do something about it for themselves. There is no one forcing them to look at/be in the same room as a breastfeeding mother. Speaking for myself, I don’t have any children myself yet, but I have seen my friends breastfeed their children without a cover on many occasions, and I don’t have any feelings of discomfort about it.
Beth
Thanks for sharing, Grace. It’s good to hear from the non-mama crowd – that you don’t feel uncomfortable about it. That’s really, really great to hear. I like to hope that you are the majority, but really I’m not so sure.
Marissa
Well, at the risk of being the next quoted comment:)…I have a couple of thoughts to throw out there. I know that we have hashed out that our breast aren’t only sexual, that breast feeding is just natural and normal, and that we don’t need to hide. As I have said, I feed my babies when they need it regardless of where I am even if that is in church, however, at times I do cover up, at times I appreciate a quiet private place, and other times I just pull up and pop em’ on. I actually find the most uncomfortable time for myself and others is actually in a small space…such as a living room…not out in public (mostly I have found nobody notices). The people who are uncomfortable are family..ie uncles, nephews, or new friends.
Perhaps I shouldn’t (but perhaps I should), but I will likely continue to ask people if it makes them uncomfortable or be more discreet if I notice that some one is feeling uncomfortable. Is it my responsibility, no, but I still choose to be sensitive. Especially since in mine or someone else’s living room, these aren’t random strangers but people that I care about.
My husband made the point that I can do what I want, but if I pull out my breast and am feeding my baby in a way that makes my neighbor (who isn’t a believer) uncomfortable so that he doesn’t want to come back to visit, then I have to accept that as his right as well. Perhaps he should get in line with my thinking, but I’m not going to be able to change his/her thinking by that scenario. I don’t think that is going to make breastfeeding more positive by having the attitude of “go put a bag on your head” nor am I going to deepen relationships with those around me. Especially here, where it seems that breastfeeding is even less common?!?! I guess I just really think that I can still contribute to the normalization of breastfeeding by also sensitively trying to help others become comfortable.
Okay so I had a couple of other points but I have run out of time and this comment is getting too long.
Marissa
Oh and I was going to say, that I realize this is not at all like bf’ing in the mall or anything because in situations like that I am a whatever works. but in more personal “public” situations, I actually find that people become more at ease and comfortable with breastfeeding if I ask them how they feel, giving them some input and rather than creating a knee jerk reaction, causing them to think which I think really is the goal.
Beth
I don’t think it’s an either/or situation. I am really more addressing the people who say that we should always cover up just in case it makes the random dude in the mall feel awkward. I do agree that there are exceptional circumstances where you may *choose* to cover up or be more discreet than usual. The point is though that it is your choice and not society’s expectation on you. Also, as much as I am pro uncovered breastfeeding – I don’t really see any reason that one needs to do any flinging, whipping out, or other such verbs that denote drawing attention to one’s self in a totally unnecessary way. I don’t cover up with a tent or blanket, but I don’t show much of anything at all either. Most women don’t, and the ones who do choose to be “exhibitionist” about it have separate issues that aren’t addressed here.
Choosing to be sensitive is great. Feeling pressured to hide away under a tent in a public place because strangers might be icked out at seeing your breasts being used in a non-sexual fashion is not.
In my post I didn’t really address the angle you are talking about though, so thanks for bringing it up. I am definitely not suggesting that we need to have an attitude about it or a chip on our shoulder or “something to prove”… I don’t think that’s helpful at all. I just want to feed my babies what is best for them and not have to stress about society’s hang-ups regarding breastfeeding.
I do think it’s sad that there have been lots of studies/surveys in which women have cited embarrassment/shame as a major reason for not breastfeeding or not continuing to breastfeed. I won’t get into all of the boatloads of evidence and research here (I’m sure you’re well aware too), but I am a firm believer that breast milk is the healthiest, best, and most natural food for babes. Thus this is really less about my rights to get on my soapbox and tell everyone to piss off than it is about my right to protect my baby’s health in the best way I know how, and helping our society come to a place where they will choose to protect that right for mamas and babies everywhere.
The motivating factor in all of it is love, which I think we both agree on. However we do it (promoting breastfeeding) it should always be done with love, respect, and gentleness, which will make it look a little different every time.
It’s a complicated discussion, and I so appreciate you engaging in it, my friend. I’m loving hashing this out with you, and I very much value your thoughts! Thank-you!!
Marissa
Sorry, I actually meant to first say that I completely agreed with your post in the random uncomfortable strangers sense but the area that I deal with is the not so random strangers. So I think really we are agreed on most areas even if we might go about it in a different manner.
I totally know what you mean by the shame thing…I was feeding Kathleen and talking to the lady at the next table in a Tim Horton’s the other day while waiting for Dan. I noticed a young guy kept looking at me and at Kathleen. Very intently. I thought it kind of weird but continued on my conversation. When Dan came in, he told me that I was showing a good part of my breast to which at first I thought “not a big deal” and adjusted my shirt. Then I thought about it and realized that was why I was being stared at…my first reaction was to feel really ashamed and to go for the blanket. HOWEVER, I knew that I had done nothing wrong in my conscience by not using a cover and so I moved on. Mostly.
In discussing it with Dan, where I felt angry and defensive both for him pointing out my shirt being up and at the guy for staring, he made the point (which ticked me off at first) that while he agrees that it shouldn’t be an issue, he wasn’t surprised by it because the reality is that our culture is messed up, it is what it is. So in our choice to be part of saying that breastfeeding is good, is best, is not something to hide away that there are going to be times where people act in ways that we really don’t appreciate and basically I have to deal with it. What do you do with that? I am not really talking about being told to go somewhere private but more the ogling (that is what it was) or even crude comments.
Anyways, we discussed it some more and I have one more question. What would you do if your husband feels differently than you about not covering up? Dan has said that it is up to me and what I am comfortable with but like with the Tim Hortons situation, he would prefer that not to happen again. He doesn’t ask that I cover up, but he says that he would rather that I did. I know this comes back to the whole burka thing, that some guys could be turned on my hair for example so am I going to cover it. But again, we live in our culture.
Stephie N
If I may, I totally agree with all of the points discussed we shouldn’t haver to hide and yet I will even in more ‘ intimate public’ situations ask people if they are comfortable (mostly in family situations) However, if my husband was annoyed or upset by my nursing uncovered in public or anywhere I think it’s important to take him and his feelings in higher regard. Whether that means covering up for his comfort our being extras careful in public to keep the shirt in place would be a discussion to have with the husband, but it it’s important that he comes ahead of my personal soapbox and everything else. God makes it clear that aside from him (God) we are to be in submission to our husbands. (this does not mean we don’t have a voice or anything else, another subject for another time)
Ask of this to say that your husbands feelings on this are more important and you should have a conversion with him about all of this and decide as a couple what is best for your family
Michelle H.
Marissa, I get where you’re coming from! I had my DD two years ago, and lived with extended family for 9 months. I was determined to breastfeed, and since I wasn’t near a pro at it, felt it best to stay in my room when feeding baby. I caught a lot of flack about that (not spending enough time outside of my room/with family, using nursing as a way to get on FB, etc), and finally bought a cover, since I never could make a blanket work. This allowed me to nurse in the living room more often – but I still felt very uncomfortable nursing my baby in front of my uncle (yes, this is due to some other situations, but not going into detail on them) and male cousins. I didn’t even really like nursing in front of my aunt, but that’s because she always had something to say about how I wasn’t doing something right – in other words, she was quick to point out everything wrong. I also don’t allow my stepdad to see me nursing – just very uncomfortable with it. I’d rather go to a bedroom and nurse behind a closed door.
However, I try to be considerate of guests in my house – if they express discomfort, I try to take my nursing baby out of their line of vision…such as turning around. Can’t use a cover anymore – my daughter doesn’t like them. I also turn my back to my future BIL when I nurse in front of him, since he’s uncomfortable with it.
It has taken LOADS of practice to get to the point where I can now confidently breastfeed my toddler in public, with minimal embarrassment at showing more than I mean to. My chicklet still isn’t too keen on the idea of my shirt touching her face while she eats, and will pull my shirt way up! But now, it’s normal. I’ve gotten used to it. I try not to let it happen, but we all know baby does what baby will do when involved with eating. However, I’ve hardly ever had to nurse her in public since she was 15mo. I think the last time I did, we were inside someone else’s house, and the family (including myself) was playing a game of Five Crowns (may not be the exact title). I nursed her right there, at the table, no covering up. Was I completely comfortable with it? Nope. I didn’t want to get up from the game. And after being told numerous times that they didn’t care, I decided to put them to the test. Guess what? Later on, we all had a good-natured laugh about the nursing mama and baby (there was much love and respect). It warmed me to my toes!
I’ve been in the more intimate “public” situations, and they can be very difficult waters to navigate. The family members who have a problem with it aren’t around me any more, and those who experience discomfort, I try to be sensitive to without sacrificing my bonding time. I think we all have to find what works for us in any given situation & we also need to understand that what works with one group of people won’t necessarily work with another group.
After all, my sister does not agree with breastfeeding any child past 1 year. Yet, she loves and respects me enough that she keeps her mouth shut about it while I’m nursing (when I’m not, we have discussions, but nothing that keeps me from feeling comfortable around her). She gets that it’s my choice and she has other places to go if she doesn’t want to see her niece nursing at 2yo. We understand how we both choose different things, but they are in one spirit that we choose them: we want what is best for our children/families.