Warning: this post is longer than the longest thing in the world. I should have split it up, but I didn’t want to. You’ve been forewarned.
Hey Pretty Mama, in your yoga pants and ponytail, slamming back the coffee like it’s magic (which it totally is). I’m terrified to write this letter, if I’m being honest. I have been wanting to share my story with you for so long, but have been much too scared to speak, for many reasons.
There are so many wars fought in the name of The Best Way in baby-rearing.
When you become a parent for the first time you generally catch on pretty quickly that you’re supposed to stake your flag into one side or the other. Pick a side, join a camp, wear team colours proudly. Follow your instincts, they say at first! And also… our Ten Convincing Reasons We’re Right! handout, these biased pamphlets, and this expert… and that one, too.
I arrived at this fork in the road while pregnant with my first child, reading everything I could get my hands on. Mostly on the internet, because hello: 21st century, right? Message boards, blog posts, websites of psychologists and child development theorists, friends and family, and around and around again like a never-ending merry-go-round of opinions and information, until I fell off in a dizzy heap. Instincts? I thought to myself. You mean this glassy-eyed feeling of confusion and panic is not normal? Huh.
So, I read stuff. I collected information and shoved it into my over-crowded brain like a clown car at a circus. I talked it out with my husband regularly. Of course, it was all still theory at this point. Our only child was still relatively easy, being still in the womb and stuff. One day while driving somewhere I gave him the introduction, 3 point argument, and conclusion for why I had decided to shack up with Camp A. Then, the next day I’d read something else equally convincing for the other side and become my own devil’s advocate, convinced that Camp B was, in fact, the way to go.
I flip-flopped back and forth like that for weeks. Months, actually. Struggling back and forth constantly with this decision is one of the biggest defining memories from my first pregnancy, and in the end I never felt completely settled one way or another.
The decision that plagued me most and caused me the most anguish was sleep-training. The idea of crying it out versus, well… not crying-it-out. It seemed to be all parents talked about: the fact that they were so freaking exhausted, and how to deal.
I had several great friends at the time who offered advice and recommendations for books and resources. So I nabbed one of the books and started reading. It explained the scientific basis of the importance of sleep. Basically, your child must get enough sleep or he will morph into a tiny evil frankenstein at night, murder your every hope of happiness, and then probably end up in prison or dead.
Ok, it may not have outlined it exactly like that, but I do recall becoming quite terrified about the number of hours in which my kid was snoozing, and thus quite willing to do whatever the book told me to do in order for him to sleep the appropriate amount of time. The book advocated the cry-it-out method if establishing a strict schedule did not “work” first.
Then, one sunny September afternoon, I gave birth. I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that the earth hung in limbo for a tiny second as he came into it. There was before, and then there was after. I was profoundly and irrevocably changed in a cosmic and mysterious way.
We were exhausted, of course. We had missed a night of sleep while labouring, then, you know, I did the whole giving birth thing, and here was this shiny and plump little red-faced creature with teeny whisps of dark hair all over his head. I held his bare body on my bare chest and wrapped my hospital gown around us both, unsure of what to do now that I could no longer shield him from the world with just my body.
We spent a night at the hospital, then came home, thrilled and terrified. That first night was hell. We spent every minute of the whole night getting him to sleep – nursing, rocking, diapering… and laying him in his cradle a foot from my head. He took a solid fifteen-second nap each time, then woke up and wanted to snuggle again. I bet you missed me, didn’t you, mama? Here I am!
My mom had said to call in the morning if we needed anything, so at 6:01am, I phoned her, choking back sniffling sobs of sheer wall-slammed exhaustion as I mumbled something not-really coherent. She came over that day, and I remember falling into her arms as she hugged me, and I choked back weeping tears as despair flooded over me. I had never been so exhausted in my entire life, and little did I know it was going to get worse before it got better.
It continued like that for months as the little brown-eyed treasure – with whom we were hopelessly in love – proved himself to be a spirited child right from the start. He would not sleep in his crib, in a carseat, in a cradle, in a swing, or on anything other than a warm and snuggly body, for more than an hour, maybe? I question that because it’s mostly a horrific blur of panicked survival.
I don’t recall specifics, but I do recall the terror. Wondering if I was going to actually survive. Wondering if you could die of sleep deprivation, or if I’d be the mom that went off the deep end and actually ended up harming her child. I was probably dealing with some undiagnosed postpartum depression as well: I remember an evening when he was 9 months and I was more or less just as exhausted as ever, and as I sat there in that yellow room bathed in the glow of a nightlight, rocking him to sleep yet again. I thought about what it would be like to toss him out the bedroom window. I pictured it happening in my mind, and pictured the scenario in a somewhat detached mindset.
I somehow knew that there was no real danger at hand, but I do recall vividly the feeling of despair and hopelessness. One night at small group Bible study (where we were the only ones with a baby) someone asked me a basic question (nothing hard – it was something inane and simple) and I struggled to make the words come out of my mouth beyond nonsensical syllables. The sentence was formed in my head, but the gears in my brain were so exhausted that they were not even able to get my mouth to form a coherent sentence. I remember feeling humiliated and stupid after muddling through the answer, before clamming up the rest of the evening. There was a constant haze that surrounded my brain, making me feel stupid and out of it, for most of that first year.
By the time he was 3.5 months, we were desperate. In fact, I think that’s putting it lightly. I was ill-equipped to deal with the level of exhaustion that we experienced. In fact, I recall many a time using that as the basis of a light joke when people would ask the awful question, “So, is he sleeping through the night yet?”. I’d respond with “No, not really. We’re pretty tired these days. Now we know why they use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic in terrorism!” Ha ha, how cute – so hyperbolic and witty! Except that I was so serious…
Slowly but surely, the flag that my instincts had led me to plant in Camp A became uprooted as we began the trek over to the other side. The instincts that told me that my baby’s desire to be with me was completely natural and healthy were told to shut up the eff up, and sit down. The instinct for survival was greater, and I thought that the only way to do that was to change camps. So we did.
To this day, as he is 5.5 years old, my heart is utterly broken and grieved by what we did next. At 3.5 months old, we let him “cry it out”. According to the cry-it-out experts, most babies will need to cry for just a short while – 10 minutes or so – before falling asleep and sleeping for the longest stretch of their lives thus far. The SUPER important issue, however, is to never, ever, EVER give in and go to him. Because then he’ll think he’s won, he can manipulate you, and you’re sunk.
The books I read encouraged parents to let the baby cry for as long as it needed to, and one of the books even said that if the baby vomited, to leave it, and change the sheets the next morning.
This is the number one biggest regret of my entire life, for which I am sick and ashamed: In desperation, we let that sweet baby boy scream and wail and cry for for three hours. He screamed hysterically for three hours as we played board games in the basement to get away from the sound, with the baby monitor turned down. I’m not sure which ached more: my full breasts or my heart weeping with sorrow. This went for several nights and then the length began to shorten ever so slightly. I thought I had no choice. I thought it was our last resort.
Eventually, something happened and we stopped, because it so clearly was not working the way it was “supposed to”. We tried so hard to obey the advice, to do it “right”, to find relief from our desperate exhaustion and become better parents in the process. That didn’t happen. I don’t recall the specifics of how and when and where from then on, with regard to his sleeping habits. It has mostly been blocked from my memory. I just know that no benefit whatsoever came from that decision, and I will regret it to the very core of my being, until the day I die.
As I type this, sitting in bed late at night, he’s asleep beside me, between his Daddy and I. He has his own bed, but always ends up in ours in the middle of the night. We don’t mind a single bit, and we cherish the moments that he sleeps beside us as we get to kiss his soft head and cheeks, while the last bits of his babyhood rapidly fade away for good.
He struggles with falling asleep on his own now. He prefers to have us close by in the same room. If you ask me, I’ll tell you straight up that yes, I do think that’s a residual effect of what he went through as a baby. The high levels of stress and panic that flooded his infant brain were not healthy, and have likely affected him in ways we’ll never fully understand. I sit in his darkened room as he falls asleep, sometimes right on my lap, and I cradle his gangly limbs as they hang off my lap in all directions, and I kiss his head and face, and whisper lovey-doveys in his ears. I will do it every night of my life until he says he doesn’t need it anymore – when he decides he’s ready to take that next step of independence.
I want you to know, dear sweet sleep-deprived mama, that I get it. I so get the exhaustion, the desperation, the feeling like the fog will never, ever lift, and the despair. I also want you to know that it will get better. One day, down the road, that sweet baby will sleep a little longer, then a little longer, and then on and on it goes, until you wake up one day and marvel that a new stage is at hand, and look – you survived after all.
And here: I’ll tell you some facts I wish someone had told me back then:
— Babies are biologically designed to be near their caregivers for survival, and as such aren’t usually super fond of sleeping all alone in the dark.
— Sleeping through the night is defined as a 5-hour stretch, and the whole sleeping 12 hours thing doesn’t happen until toddlerhood or later, for the majority of healthy and normal children.
— Co-sleeping can be done safely and effectively, and has been shown to decrease the rate of SIDS as well as getting better sleep for both mother and baby.
— Letting a baby CIO can have long-lasting negative effects on a child’s brain chemistry.
— The CIO method will also likely not “work” at all for a certain subset of children who are defined as “spirited children” (such as our sweet boy.) Their brains are just wired differently, and CIO will probably not work at all.
So why was this such a terrifying story to tell? I guess for fear of being condemned (God knows I’ve done that enough for myself). I also don’t want you to read this as a judgment or pronouncement on an entire camp or way of thinking. I have my opinions, of course, but that’s not the story I wanted to tell.
I simply share because I want the mama who feels that pressure to sleep-train to know that’s it’s ok to choose not to do it. It’s ok to listen to your instincts to go to your baby when he cries. It’s ok to cry from exhaustion and not know how you’re going to survive the day ahead. It’s ok to try new things and read books and think and pray and agonize and muddle through it all like a couple of total dummies. At the end of the day you have a tiny creature who depends on you for their very life. Your bond is unstoppable and your love is all-consuming. Let that be your guide.
Trust that mama-heart that God gave you, and snuggle your sweet little baby. Rock him to sleep and kiss his soft head. Drink an extra cup of coffee and call a friend. Make it through another day, one single hour at a time. You can and you will survive.
So much love to you, dear one.
xo,
B.
Meredith
This was my daughter. We say if she had been born first, no way would we have had more kids! The colic, the reflux, the ‘screw your bottles, give me the Boob!’ Almost caused my poor ADHD brain to melt down.
Mean while my son was a champion sleeper at 4 months when he weaned and I went back to work. His first night with formula he slept 8hrs!I was elated!
Then the third suprised us, and he was also vastly diffrent from the other 2. I really had just given up on any experts at this point. He did eventually CIO because me and my husband and our 5 year old son had a flu. I physically could not hold him. If was awful, but somehow my boobs, bessy and daisy, still made milk. Our daughter was 2 and missed out on all the flu stuff but she was actually helpful with holding bottles while I leaned over and puked.
My point is, you know your kid, you will do what works. Now my daughter is the best sleeper ever 12+ hrs, my eldest son is up with the sun every day, and my youngest comes in our bed at some point every night. I expect this will change again. And again. Because with kids the only constant is change.
Aimee m
I just wanted to share my story with others too. It’s so nice to read the comments and hear from others struggling with the same things. Before our boy was born we were a “no kids in the bed family” but as soon as he arrived I knew I wouldn’t be able to let him cry for longer than necessary. We have a sensitive boy who struggled with breastfeeding, food sensitivities, and sleep in general. He wouldn’t let anyone hold him besides me, not even his dad (well 5-10 minutes he would). By 15 months he self weaned (with a little encouragement). And he is the sweetest most loving, thoughtful 18 month old you’ll meet but he still sleeps with me. Other people will get him to sleep but he wakes up in the night to reach out for the comfort of another person. Whether it’s me dad or Grandma he just feels the need to know someone is there. He sleeps fairly well (besides teething, growth spurts, seasonal allergies, and when he’s sick), but I get enough sleep and that’s what matters. The more sleep I have the better parent I am. I’m sure to the core of my being I would have been a much more anxious, stressed, angry and depressed person if I had tried to go the other route. We do what we feel is right and we try our best. You can find experts in both camps but no one knows your child like you do. You are the one who made the commitment to having a child and in doing so you took on a challenge that there is no “right ” answer to and is variable in every day. I’m proud of who my son is. I feel put down at the negative backlash I get for cosleeping. I’m grateful for the sleep I do get. And I’m just trying to be the best mom I can be one day at a time.
Beth
It sounds to me like you’re doing an absolutely amazing job. There will always be naysayers, no matter *what* parenting choices we make. Ignore them. Follow your instincts like you’re doing, and keep going! You’re doing great. xoxo
Jan
Thank you for writing this! THANK YOU! I have let my now 1 year old little boy sleep with me every night as it just feels ‘right’. I have had no choice because he doesn’t want to be alone and I could not let him cry. When I feel as though I must be doing it all wrong, I remind myself that he didn’t come with a manual – he came with me as his mother and I can only go with my natural instincts!
Beth
Kudos to your following your instincts!! You sound like a really great mom. xoxo
Cass
Please don’t beat yourself up over letting your baby CIO. My 6 year old is the same way. He is scared to sleep alone and has always slept with us and I never let him CIO. I might have tried CIO, if I hadn’t given in to co sleeping when he was a week old. I slept in a rocking chair for a week and gave up, because we all needed to sleep. He slept on my chest until he was too big, then he slept at my side. He is just a spirited, snuggly, sweet kid. Before he was born, I was very set in the decision that he would never sleep in my bed, but that all went out the window after he was born. My experience with him did not prepare me for my daughter who is the exact opposite. She is not snuggly and very independent. She doesn’t want to be held when she falls asleep, she just wants to be left alone in her crib to fall asleep by herself. It’s a huge change after having a baby that had to be touching me 24 hours a day!
Hannah
Grateful for your words right now! We’ve always had a rough time with sleep (and I have been a “bad sleeper” pretty much my own whole life, haha), and my son is now 18 months. It seems totally up and down all the time…sleep is the only area in which he’s been a challenge (completely delightful and happy boy in the day). I just try to remind myself he’s just expressing his need for us, but some nights it’s a challenge! (I also accept that I made a choice not to use CIO–with no judgment at all of those who do!–I just knew my husband and I wouldn’t be able to be consistent with it). I appreciate your words and story! Thank you.
Kate
Thank you for this! My 7 month old has had issues at night ever since we transitioned from rock and play to crib over 2 months ago. My husband is gone long hours overnight 3 nights in a row every week at work. I am exhausted, and I finally put my daughter in bed with me last night. It is the best sleep both of us have gotten! I do feel shame in admitting that I have now co slept, I was one of those “I’ll never do that” people. You do what you have to do in sleep deprivation. You made me feel not alone.
Barbi
I’m so glad you wrote this. I’m at wits end trying to figure out how to manage my ‘high needs’ baby. She is 5 months old and we co-sleep. It’s the only way we have ever gotten any sleep.
She is wonderful and smart and I love her but she only wants me 24/7 and I just feel so lost and hopeless. Like I will never get any semblance of my life back. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.
She started having separation anxiety at about 3 months old and it continues now. She cries if anyone else holds her even if I’m still in the room. I’ve been lucky to be off work this long but I will soon have to rejoin the workforce. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want her to cry and scream for me, waiting for me to show up and hold her and having to realize that I’m just not coming.
Anyway, sorry for venting. Reading this made me feel so much better about co-sleeping. I’m really not getting anywhere close to the sleep I need with her in my bed but I just don’t like the idea of her crying so long. And she is like your baby – ‘spirited’. She would cry for hours.
It’s nice not to feel totally alone although I don’t wish sleep deprivation on anyone. (Okay, maybe some people…)
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Mel
Hi, I came across your story. Interesting concept. Our babies did not cry it out, but they both slept long periods of time from the get go. Of course those first 3.5 months were very exhausting as most parents would say I think. I can definitely relate to sleep deprivation and the negative feelings while going through it all. I think you are being very hard on yourself about the cry it out camp that you tried. I don’t think that messed with your child…it messed with you. I can’t imagine doing that either; but I never had to because we just had our babies sleep cues and cycles down to a T. They definitely need a lot of sleep as infants. I would say 10-12 hours a night is excellent for healthy brain development too.
I think some babies and parents are wired differently and that can cause more anxiousness surrounding the sleep subject. I have a lot of well educated friends with kids who nursed their babies, and their babies didn’t require being in bed with them every night…. I feel it is important to encourage that separation at bed time. Both for the babies development and for the sake of your marriage. I often wonder how couples have any ounce of a sex life when their kids are in bed with them every night.
Maybe that’s a selfishthought. I love my kids and they love me. We snuggle on occasion and fall asleep together sometimes. Yes, I enjoy those moments soooo much!
However, I enjoy being alone too.
Interesting take on new parenting. I hope you are sleeping now!
Xoxo
Mel
Camillus
“I have a lot of well educated friends with kids who nursed their babies, and their babies didn’t require being in bed with them every night….”
Perhaps I’m just being defensive here because I nurse and bedshare with my son, but this statement (above) seems a bit condescending. What does the fact that they are well educated have to do with it? Do you consider parents who bedshare less educated? Obviously, every baby is different and so is every parent. If you’re lucky enough to have a baby who sleeps well right from the get go, then consider yourself just that – lucky! Studies have shown that the CIO method does have negative effects on babies, so it’s not just stressful to Mom/Dad. Our spirited babies need our comfort and support and it’s nice to hear from parents who have this in common. Enjoy the separation you’ve so easily accomplished – I much rather prefer the closeness and mutual comfort of having my little one right beside me.
Grayfig
No, your babies didn’t sleep because you “had their sleep cues and cycles down to a T”. They slept because they were born that way (and fortunately for you, also had no colic or allergies such as CMPI). Any parent of two children who slept completely differently despite the same parenting can attest to the above.
If yours slept long periods from the get go, then no, you do not understand extreme exhaustion I’m afraid.
And finally, completely contrary to your suggestion that separation of infants from their mothers and fathers is important for development, the exact opposite is true. It’s important to look at the research on this, rather than twentieth century, discredited dogma around childrearing.
Tan
What an ignorant comment. As an educated person myself (I hold a first class BA degree in English with Education Studies and also a Postgraduate Certificate in Education) I too used to have strong ideas about baby sleep. That baby should not be fed to sleep; that they should sleep in their cot every night and for all naps; that soothers were just another sleep prop which, like cuddling and rocking, was unnecessary and would create a ‘rod for the parents’ back’.
Then my son was born. My gorgeous, sweet, happy baby boy, who slept like a dream. I woke him to feed every three hours for the first 8 weeks and settled him back into his Moses basket without issue. Soon, he began sleeping from 8.30- 7.30 waking for only one feed at 3am. We thought we had it, how didn’t you put it? Down to a ‘T’. We knew his sleep cues, his routine, his bedtime like the back of our hands. We had the perfect routine set up- feed, bath, book, bed by 8.30. Three naps a day lasting 30 mins- an hour and a half with a forth catnap in the early evening. Every night. Even when left with a sitter.
Until croup happened. Around the same time as the four month sleep regression. Suddenly, putting him down drowsy but awake wasn’t an option anymore. His routine wasn’t working no matter how much we stuck to it. Three hourly waking became two hourly… hourly…every forty minutes. He wasn’t hungry, thirsty, wet, teething, unwell. Everything we once knew had changed overnight and we quickly learned what true sleep deprivation is.
We reached the stage where he would sleep only in our arms and wake the very second that we placed him into his cot. Regardless of the time of night. We have tried countless techniques to get him to sleep…rocking, singing, swaddling, shh pat, pick up- put down and a failed attempt at CIO (it felt so unnatural and he got into such a state that we agreed- never again!)
We were at our wits end. Until I spoke to a health visitor, who reminded me that my little boy, my Little night gremlin, is only a baby (stating the obvious I know!) I was reminded that the world is new to him. The concept of day and night is new to him. Knowing how to fall asleep and stay asleep is new to him. The world is a big and scary place for any adult to face alone let alone a baby, who is just starting to realise that he and I are two separate beings. A baby who is learning the concept of object permanence and recognising changes in distance between he and I.
I have since realised that the reason leaving him to CIO felt so unnatural to me is because it is. My son is not a robot, who can be easily programmed to eat, sleep or play on demand. He is a small human and as such has feelings of sadness, fear, confusion, anxiety just like any adult, if not more so. Do I believe that CIO ‘works’ for many babies? If you mean that it teaches them to sleep independently without seeking comfort from another then yes. Do I believe that it completely traumatises them for life? Probably not. However, I do believe that it can reinforce the feelings of stress, anxiety and abondonment felt by baby. I believe that the lack of crying is a result of learned helplessness (see Seligman, 1965) and does not deal with baby’s underlying anxieties.
Babies cry. That is a fact. They cry for a number of reasons and seeking comfort is just as valid a reason as any other. As a parent, it is difficult to hear and can become extremely tedious. However, for somebody who cannot yet verbally communicate their needs it is also completely natural and completely necessary even in the middle of the night!
Izy
LOL OK hhahhhaha
Leigha
To all the moms suffering from serious sleep deprivation, you may want to consider cosleeping. Refer to Sweet Sleep: nighttime and naptime strategies for the breastfeeding family by la leche league international for guidance on safe bedsharing. My son, now 16 months old had a lot of trouble staying asleep without me holding him. The sleep deprivation was awful and was making my post partum depression unbearable. From day one of bedsharing, starting around 10 months old, he has been sleeping nearly through the night with just a short nursing session when I move him into my bed (I nurse him to sleep and he sleeps from about 8:30-10:30 in his crib, when I move him to my bed and go to bed myself. He barely wakes around 4 or 5 (usually when I get up to use the bathroom) and nurse again for about 10 minutes (I fall asleep with him still nursing). He then sleeps til 7 am. This is in contrast to waking and crying every 1-2 hours throughout the night when I tried to make him stay in the crib. I’d go nurse him and rock him and wind up being up for hours or falling asleep in the glider in his room and being exhausted after. I am so much happier now, as is my husband who was not originally on board with the idea. My son is not afraid to start the night in his crib (I think he’s learned I will be coming back soon without him needing to wake and cry), and he has much less anxiety around night and naptimes since the change.
Leigha
You can check out the la leche league book I referenced above or the la leche league website llli.org for the Safe Sleep Seven list and other info on how to cosleep safely as some things can make it a riskier situation (I.e. smoking, alcohol, drugs, water beds, sofas, thick/heavy blankets, gaps between the bed and wall, etc). I found this book and website to be really helpful. Good luck to everyone on finding what works for you and you families so everyone can get a good night’s sleep!
Beth
Thanks for sharing that resource, Leigha!
Beth
That’s awesome! We’re planning to cosleep with the new baby we’re expecting this fall. I hope it goes as smoothly as your experience. 🙂
Sarah Hayes
I love your story. I can’t get past more than 20 minutes of her crying. She sleeps in between us at 6 months and she and us sleep great. Who knows when she’ll sleep in her own bed but we know she’ll only be this little for so long and we are enjoying every minute. God bless you for sharing your story.
Beth
I wish I had been informed enough back then to know that cosleeping can be done safely. I’m glad you’re finding that it works for you! Hope it continues! xo
Victoria
Wow did I need to read this! My 3.5 month breastfed little boy is very high needs and he very high needs me to help him to sleep. Either nursing, or in my arms.. sometimes the swing works and usually the car rides work but who can just drive around for 4 hours a day? Who can just leave their baby in a swing, or car seat constantly trying to get them to sleep?? Not I… When I know that he will sleep, if I nurse him, he will stay asleep, if I hold him. I just can’t let him cry it out when I know he needs me. Just like you, I’ve read so many different articles and blogs and research… and I’m at a point of wanting to break the sleep association of nursing him to sleep. As I sat rocking him, after nursing him to bed for the second time in the last hour, I started to cry, praying, just wanting to be able to lay him down without him waking right up and needing to nurse again… I started using my trusty phone, Google search to look up “I’m crying just trying to get my baby to bed” and this article came up.. Boy is this what I needed. I don’t want to traumatize my son, and I don’t want my expectations to take over his needs…. Thank you for writing this! Yes, it’s long, but when you’re sitting there holding your baby trying to get them to sleep again and again while feeling overwhelmed, all you’ve got is time.. After reading your article, I truly realize, This too shall pass, he will grow out of it. He will grow and I will miss him being this small… Thank you for your words and understanding!
Beth
Wow, I’m so glad that my words were helpful to you right in the exact moment you needed them. Lots of love and strong coffee vibes from me to you! xoxo
Michelle
Thank you so much for sharing this. We went through the same thing. Oud babygirl was born via c-section because of no amniotic fluid, stopped growth (2300 grams, 37,5 weeks) and laying upside-down (head above). From minute ons she was a bright looking, energetic little wonder. But boy, i had so much pain and she kept on crying and crying and crying. Non-stop, for days, weeks, months. Because of all the stress, pain and exaustion my milk production was close to zero and because of here little weight we had to give her formula (Which gave her cramps and constipation. For which she needed laxans, which in turn gave more cramps). The only thing that worked (a little bit) was walking whilst holding her real close. And to definitely, never, ever stop walking. The crying would start again within seconds. She would sleep for 15-20 minutes, about 4 times a day(24 hours). The despair and exhaustion we felt…. I real thougt no one could ever understand. But here you are, went through the same thing. So thank you for sharing. I also head thoughts like yours. It was horrible. And i stil don’t now if I ever dare to think about having a second child…. It’s my dearest wish, but i am so scared.
Our girl is now almost 2 years old and is still very ” spirited” and energetic. But also a real cutie. We love her dearly. She sleeps pretty much okay now, sometimes in out bed, sometimes in hers. And That’s fine with us. Thanks so much for sharing your story. You did great! In the exaustion you are willing to try everyting.. and if it had worked you would be glad you did. Unfortunately, (of fortunately) we have this beautiful children who needed something else.
Beth
All I can say is: solidarity, mama. These little spirited ones are worth it, but boy are they tough sometimes! (And despite this experience with our firstborn, I’m now pregnant with #4. I love all of my beautiful babies!)
Yolo
I really need help my baby girl sleeps thru the night while I am away for work and she stays with the babysitter at ther house but when I come home from working she wont sleep in her crib…i am exhausted i work a really demanding schedule while I am working in a different city for a 5 day stretch so I get to have five days off with them at home I also have a 10 year old that i need to be present for while i am here and that deserves my full attention but instead when i am here my almost 1year old gets all my attention and i am sleep deprived from work and sleep deprive at home please help i have done everything i can CIO routine the sitters routine but still she will only sleep on my bed right next to me… and that will be fine and dandy if i was a heavy sleeper or if she was a heavy sleeper but she moves a lot thus waiking me up and i am at the end of my rope here please help
Shayla Nichols
Try the little ones sleep program. It worked wonders for my baby who now sleeps 8 to 8 every night
Rebekah
Thank you soooo much for posting this! I literally typed into google ‘how do I get my baby to sleep for longer than an hour ‘ and your post came up. You described exactly how I’m feeling. The crazy thing is, this is my third baby! First girl, who I’m completely in love with. Each time you forget this part. And then it hits you and boom!!! I’m in sleep deprived hell. Bless you for your words, they are a light in this dark tunnel.
Tara Evans
Thank you for this! I have coslept with her from the beginning. I would try her cradle next to the bed at the start due to the fear North American baby rearing Instills about cosleeping, but she quickly ended up sleeping on my chest and then when she got squirmier she lays on the other side of the king bed (hubby has been resigned to the spare room for now).
She naps and starts her night in her crib but when I go to bed I bring her with me. I cannot sleep well without her in bed with me.
Lately, I’ve been contemplating sleep training because I’m so f*cking tired, but my mommy heart says no. No, because she’s 6.5 months and if she wakes up and cries she needs something, even if just a sip of breast milk, or snuggles. She can’t get herself a drink, and can’t count backwards to get herself back to sleep, so she cries. And then I take her in my arms, nurse her if only briefly, and she goes back to sleep. She puts herself to sleep for naps and I put her down awake for bed, so it’s not for an inability to put herself to sleep.
My parents never let me cry, not once. I slept in the middle of their bed until I was 9 years old. I am very attached to my parents even now, at 30. I was raised with attachment style parenting and I am doing the same for my daughter.
Mamas who are trying sleep training but it doesn’t seem to be working, go with your mommy heart. You might be losing your mind from exhaustion, and I GET IT. You want to feel like a normal human being, have energy for yourself and life in general, and be able to talk without sounding stupid, but we chose to bring these babes into this world, so it’s our duty to fulfill their needs until they no longer need us to. We have our whole lives to get back to “normal”. This is a blip on the radar of life. Cherish their need for you, because when they’re teenagers you’ll be missing this most likely.
Xoxo
A tired first time mama
Lily
I never post comments online first time ever. But this story really touched sitting here with my baby boy 6 months old and teared me up. after reading this I know things will get better thank you B. God bless you!
Beth
Lily, thanks for taking the time to comment (for the first time! :)) I’m so glad the story resonated with you. That’s exactly why I wrote it. Have a great day and enjoy that little baby boy! xo
Sarah MacLaughlin
Yes indeed Mama! I totally hear this. Thank you for sharing.
Kayla Jordan
Thank you for this. My little one is 10 months old (getting ready to be 11 months on the 19th) and he has not slept through the night at all every. He has never slept longer than 2.5 hours straight. Most of the time he wakes up every hour to hour and a half it seems some weeks. I attempted the CIO method and my baby vomited everywhere….I was not okay with that. It doesn’t hurt me or him to hold him or rock him or simply lay with him til he falls asleep. I think my LO is a spirited one. He has so many new things to learn and doesn’t want to miss out on anything and there isn’t much I can do to keep him relaxed long enough to enjoy sleep yet but I know he will get there eventually. Sorry if I missed this in your story or in one of your responses in the comments but how old was you LO when he started sleeping even the 5 hours a night? I need something to look forward too haha.
Thanks for your story. Seriously!
Beth
Thanks for reading, Kayla! Hang in there… it gets better, I swear. As for how old he was when he started sleeping larger chunks? I honestly don’t remember… that first year was a total blur. But I do believe we started seeing some small improvements at around a year, and then a lot at 18 months. He’s now 8 years old and sleeps like a rock in his own bed all night long, and has been for years! He’s still an intense, spirited kid, but it manifests in different ways other than his sleeping habits. (He has the artistic temperament, lots of big feelings, recently identified as gifted, also struggles with some anxiety… etc.) He’s an all-around awesome kid, and those non-sleeping days are a distant memory. They will be for you too one day!! xo
Beth
Oh, and I also meant to say: if I could change just one thing about his first year (other than NOT doing the CIO, obviously)… I’d cosleep. I think he would have slept so much easier had I not been so afraid to try it. (Google “safe cosleeping” for tips.)
Angela
Hi B,
Your story really had a big impact on me and I am so glad to know I’m not alone. I have heard everyone said their baby sleep through the night since 6 months old and I have always wonder and more blaming myself if I have done something wrong. My baby is now 15 months old and I am beyond exhausted because he only sleep in his cot for 5 hours, that is from 8pm-1am. From 1am onwards he will cry and wanting to sleep with me and my husband. Sleeping between us, he still tossing and crawling up and down in our bed and I am just constantly awake throughout the night. I haven’t try the CIO method yet that’s because I don’t think I can be strong enough. Everyone else have said I have to do it for my baby sake. Thank you for your letter. Perhaps and hopefully there’s another solution to help us both sleep better. I hope if anyone have any ideas, please share. Thank you
Beth
You are SO not alone! There will always be a million different pieces of advice you can try… but if there’s one thing you should know for sure: it’s that this is just a season. It’s temporary, and won’t be forever. I promise! (One thing that helped with our 2nd child was to put an extra bed next to our bed for my hubby. So it was a queen bed and a double bed pushed together. This gave me, baby, and hubby all lots and lots of space to stretch out and sleep without disturbing one another. We were lucky that our bedroom was big enough for this, and we had a guest bed to use.)
Ivana Kirnerova
That really made me cry, again 😀