Warning: this post is longer than the longest thing in the world. I should have split it up, but I didn’t want to. You’ve been forewarned.
Hey Pretty Mama, in your yoga pants and ponytail, slamming back the coffee like it’s magic (which it totally is). I’m terrified to write this letter, if I’m being honest. I have been wanting to share my story with you for so long, but have been much too scared to speak, for many reasons.
There are so many wars fought in the name of The Best Way in baby-rearing.
When you become a parent for the first time you generally catch on pretty quickly that you’re supposed to stake your flag into one side or the other. Pick a side, join a camp, wear team colours proudly. Follow your instincts, they say at first! And also… our Ten Convincing Reasons We’re Right! handout, these biased pamphlets, and this expert… and that one, too.
I arrived at this fork in the road while pregnant with my first child, reading everything I could get my hands on. Mostly on the internet, because hello: 21st century, right? Message boards, blog posts, websites of psychologists and child development theorists, friends and family, and around and around again like a never-ending merry-go-round of opinions and information, until I fell off in a dizzy heap. Instincts? I thought to myself. You mean this glassy-eyed feeling of confusion and panic is not normal? Huh.
So, I read stuff. I collected information and shoved it into my over-crowded brain like a clown car at a circus. I talked it out with my husband regularly. Of course, it was all still theory at this point. Our only child was still relatively easy, being still in the womb and stuff. One day while driving somewhere I gave him the introduction, 3 point argument, and conclusion for why I had decided to shack up with Camp A. Then, the next day I’d read something else equally convincing for the other side and become my own devil’s advocate, convinced that Camp B was, in fact, the way to go.
I flip-flopped back and forth like that for weeks. Months, actually. Struggling back and forth constantly with this decision is one of the biggest defining memories from my first pregnancy, and in the end I never felt completely settled one way or another.
The decision that plagued me most and caused me the most anguish was sleep-training. The idea of crying it out versus, well… not crying-it-out. It seemed to be all parents talked about: the fact that they were so freaking exhausted, and how to deal.
I had several great friends at the time who offered advice and recommendations for books and resources. So I nabbed one of the books and started reading. It explained the scientific basis of the importance of sleep. Basically, your child must get enough sleep or he will morph into a tiny evil frankenstein at night, murder your every hope of happiness, and then probably end up in prison or dead.
Ok, it may not have outlined it exactly like that, but I do recall becoming quite terrified about the number of hours in which my kid was snoozing, and thus quite willing to do whatever the book told me to do in order for him to sleep the appropriate amount of time. The book advocated the cry-it-out method if establishing a strict schedule did not “work” first.
Then, one sunny September afternoon, I gave birth. I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that the earth hung in limbo for a tiny second as he came into it. There was before, and then there was after. I was profoundly and irrevocably changed in a cosmic and mysterious way.
We were exhausted, of course. We had missed a night of sleep while labouring, then, you know, I did the whole giving birth thing, and here was this shiny and plump little red-faced creature with teeny whisps of dark hair all over his head. I held his bare body on my bare chest and wrapped my hospital gown around us both, unsure of what to do now that I could no longer shield him from the world with just my body.
We spent a night at the hospital, then came home, thrilled and terrified. That first night was hell. We spent every minute of the whole night getting him to sleep – nursing, rocking, diapering… and laying him in his cradle a foot from my head. He took a solid fifteen-second nap each time, then woke up and wanted to snuggle again. I bet you missed me, didn’t you, mama? Here I am!
My mom had said to call in the morning if we needed anything, so at 6:01am, I phoned her, choking back sniffling sobs of sheer wall-slammed exhaustion as I mumbled something not-really coherent. She came over that day, and I remember falling into her arms as she hugged me, and I choked back weeping tears as despair flooded over me. I had never been so exhausted in my entire life, and little did I know it was going to get worse before it got better.
It continued like that for months as the little brown-eyed treasure – with whom we were hopelessly in love – proved himself to be a spirited child right from the start. He would not sleep in his crib, in a carseat, in a cradle, in a swing, or on anything other than a warm and snuggly body, for more than an hour, maybe? I question that because it’s mostly a horrific blur of panicked survival.
I don’t recall specifics, but I do recall the terror. Wondering if I was going to actually survive. Wondering if you could die of sleep deprivation, or if I’d be the mom that went off the deep end and actually ended up harming her child. I was probably dealing with some undiagnosed postpartum depression as well: I remember an evening when he was 9 months and I was more or less just as exhausted as ever, and as I sat there in that yellow room bathed in the glow of a nightlight, rocking him to sleep yet again. I thought about what it would be like to toss him out the bedroom window. I pictured it happening in my mind, and pictured the scenario in a somewhat detached mindset.
I somehow knew that there was no real danger at hand, but I do recall vividly the feeling of despair and hopelessness. One night at small group Bible study (where we were the only ones with a baby) someone asked me a basic question (nothing hard – it was something inane and simple) and I struggled to make the words come out of my mouth beyond nonsensical syllables. The sentence was formed in my head, but the gears in my brain were so exhausted that they were not even able to get my mouth to form a coherent sentence. I remember feeling humiliated and stupid after muddling through the answer, before clamming up the rest of the evening. There was a constant haze that surrounded my brain, making me feel stupid and out of it, for most of that first year.
By the time he was 3.5 months, we were desperate. In fact, I think that’s putting it lightly. I was ill-equipped to deal with the level of exhaustion that we experienced. In fact, I recall many a time using that as the basis of a light joke when people would ask the awful question, “So, is he sleeping through the night yet?”. I’d respond with “No, not really. We’re pretty tired these days. Now we know why they use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic in terrorism!” Ha ha, how cute – so hyperbolic and witty! Except that I was so serious…
Slowly but surely, the flag that my instincts had led me to plant in Camp A became uprooted as we began the trek over to the other side. The instincts that told me that my baby’s desire to be with me was completely natural and healthy were told to shut up the eff up, and sit down. The instinct for survival was greater, and I thought that the only way to do that was to change camps. So we did.
To this day, as he is 5.5 years old, my heart is utterly broken and grieved by what we did next. At 3.5 months old, we let him “cry it out”. According to the cry-it-out experts, most babies will need to cry for just a short while – 10 minutes or so – before falling asleep and sleeping for the longest stretch of their lives thus far. The SUPER important issue, however, is to never, ever, EVER give in and go to him. Because then he’ll think he’s won, he can manipulate you, and you’re sunk.
The books I read encouraged parents to let the baby cry for as long as it needed to, and one of the books even said that if the baby vomited, to leave it, and change the sheets the next morning.
This is the number one biggest regret of my entire life, for which I am sick and ashamed: In desperation, we let that sweet baby boy scream and wail and cry for for three hours. He screamed hysterically for three hours as we played board games in the basement to get away from the sound, with the baby monitor turned down. I’m not sure which ached more: my full breasts or my heart weeping with sorrow. This went for several nights and then the length began to shorten ever so slightly. I thought I had no choice. I thought it was our last resort.
Eventually, something happened and we stopped, because it so clearly was not working the way it was “supposed to”. We tried so hard to obey the advice, to do it “right”, to find relief from our desperate exhaustion and become better parents in the process. That didn’t happen. I don’t recall the specifics of how and when and where from then on, with regard to his sleeping habits. It has mostly been blocked from my memory. I just know that no benefit whatsoever came from that decision, and I will regret it to the very core of my being, until the day I die.
As I type this, sitting in bed late at night, he’s asleep beside me, between his Daddy and I. He has his own bed, but always ends up in ours in the middle of the night. We don’t mind a single bit, and we cherish the moments that he sleeps beside us as we get to kiss his soft head and cheeks, while the last bits of his babyhood rapidly fade away for good.
He struggles with falling asleep on his own now. He prefers to have us close by in the same room. If you ask me, I’ll tell you straight up that yes, I do think that’s a residual effect of what he went through as a baby. The high levels of stress and panic that flooded his infant brain were not healthy, and have likely affected him in ways we’ll never fully understand. I sit in his darkened room as he falls asleep, sometimes right on my lap, and I cradle his gangly limbs as they hang off my lap in all directions, and I kiss his head and face, and whisper lovey-doveys in his ears. I will do it every night of my life until he says he doesn’t need it anymore – when he decides he’s ready to take that next step of independence.
I want you to know, dear sweet sleep-deprived mama, that I get it. I so get the exhaustion, the desperation, the feeling like the fog will never, ever lift, and the despair. I also want you to know that it will get better. One day, down the road, that sweet baby will sleep a little longer, then a little longer, and then on and on it goes, until you wake up one day and marvel that a new stage is at hand, and look – you survived after all.
And here: I’ll tell you some facts I wish someone had told me back then:
— Babies are biologically designed to be near their caregivers for survival, and as such aren’t usually super fond of sleeping all alone in the dark.
— Sleeping through the night is defined as a 5-hour stretch, and the whole sleeping 12 hours thing doesn’t happen until toddlerhood or later, for the majority of healthy and normal children.
— Co-sleeping can be done safely and effectively, and has been shown to decrease the rate of SIDS as well as getting better sleep for both mother and baby.
— Letting a baby CIO can have long-lasting negative effects on a child’s brain chemistry.
— The CIO method will also likely not “work” at all for a certain subset of children who are defined as “spirited children” (such as our sweet boy.) Their brains are just wired differently, and CIO will probably not work at all.
So why was this such a terrifying story to tell? I guess for fear of being condemned (God knows I’ve done that enough for myself). I also don’t want you to read this as a judgment or pronouncement on an entire camp or way of thinking. I have my opinions, of course, but that’s not the story I wanted to tell.
I simply share because I want the mama who feels that pressure to sleep-train to know that’s it’s ok to choose not to do it. It’s ok to listen to your instincts to go to your baby when he cries. It’s ok to cry from exhaustion and not know how you’re going to survive the day ahead. It’s ok to try new things and read books and think and pray and agonize and muddle through it all like a couple of total dummies. At the end of the day you have a tiny creature who depends on you for their very life. Your bond is unstoppable and your love is all-consuming. Let that be your guide.
Trust that mama-heart that God gave you, and snuggle your sweet little baby. Rock him to sleep and kiss his soft head. Drink an extra cup of coffee and call a friend. Make it through another day, one single hour at a time. You can and you will survive.
So much love to you, dear one.
xo,
B.
Alicia
Thank you for telling your story! I can relate to all of it. I read all the sleep training books including Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child. I was NOT going to cosleep. Our daughter was born early and ended up in the NICU for a week. She would only fall asleep on us and hated her bassinet. She had colic and still has acid reflux. Now at 6 months, she is still cosleeping and only recently will sometimes nap in our bed alone. She’s teething now and all week has been afraid to nap alone. I’m holding her sleeping body as I type this. I’m exhausted and crave personal time, but I know holding her is what she needs. I’ve done too much research and will never put her through the stress of CIO. She’s been through enough stress in her short little life already.
Franki
You did the best you knew how to do! That’s all you can do.
RO
I am not a mother yet. My Hubby and I are gong to try very soon. I have generalized anxiety and think about everything all the time, even to the point of nightmares about being soo tired and the baby’s crying and i just can’t get up… I loved your article and appreciated your experience, Thank you for sharing!
Claire
I don’t condemn you at all for choosing the path you did. It sounds like it was totally what was right for you and your child, and I applaud you for trusting your instincts. However, I do slightly agree with Rachel – 3.5 months is possibly the worst time to introduce a method like CIO and 20 mins is certainly the limit. Less, if they are crying hysterically. You either need to introduce a little short “controlled crying” from as early as possible (always paying close attention to the ‘type’ of cry and rushing in if it’s hysterical, pained or a clear “I need you now” cry), or wait until the child is much older and introduce it very slowly bit by bit. I know many wonderful caring parents who have used CIO (including my own whom I love and cherish and who I have never ever doubted love me completely even for a second) and even if it is not a method I personally would feel comfortable using, I do think that there is a lack of concrete evidence against it and good reasons to do it, so I will defend those who choose it whatever my personal parenting choices. I hope you can agree with me on that? Also, I feel it is a little harsh to attribute your son’s difficulty with sleeping on his own now to your attempt at CIO. Yes, that could be the case, or it could be that he has never learned to fall asleep on his own because of co-sleeping… I think ultimately there is so little we really know about it all that we should each choose what we believe is right for our children, within reason and always out of love. Sorry, long comment, but banishing our judgement of each other as mums, getting rid of “mum guilt”, and respecting each other’s choices as loving mums no matter what our own opinion is something I am passionate about and why I will vehemently defend both CIO and co-sleeping even if I personally stand firmly in between in my own parenting choices… Hope that makes sense. Claire x
Beth
Claire,
I appreciate the respectful tone of your comment! <3
I do have to disagree with some of what you said, however. A few things:
- There is actually plenty of evidence against CIO. Check out some of the links at the end of this article: http://www.phdinparenting.com/blog/2008/7/5/cry-it-out-cio-10-reasons-why-it-is-not-for-us.html A simple google search uncovers plenty more.
However, bashing CIO was not the point of the article. I think it’s clear that I’m not a fan, and that I had an extremely negative experience with it. I felt compelled to share that experience, which I did. I want moms to realize that it’s ok to follow their instincts instead of the “expert” books, which was something I wish I had been told.
Like I said to a commenter already: by assessing how I did the CIO method with my baby, and then making a judgment on whether or not I did it correctly, you’re missing the point (and you’re perpetuating the mom guilt that you denounced further down in your comment).
The book that I read said the exact opposite of what you’re saying is “the right way”. It said that there isn’t a time limit, that if you go in at 20 minutes, your efforts are ruined, and that 3.5 months was the ideal time to start.
I don’t see how you can say that it’s “harsh” to attribute my son’s sleeping difficulty from CIO (co-sleeping didn’t start until toddlerhood, after 18-24 months of attempting to get the kid to go to sleep, stay asleep, and stay in his own bed). I mean – harsh for whom? Harsh in what way? I know my kid better than anyone on the planet, and I can honestly say that I think CIO had a negative effect on him. It wasn’t said to be “harsh”, it was said to be *honest*, which, from the comments below, you can see that many have appreciated.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
GGWmom
Thank you for sharing your experience and thanks for these comments, as well. Parenting and the associated decisions, experiences, and emotions we deal with are so incredibly hard. No one can explain to you how hard it is before youre a parent and no one can predict what kind of parent they will be. I always thought I would be firm. I would NEVER co sleep. My child would be disciplined and behave, and I would NEVER feed them from the box at the grocery store. HA! Flash forward and I have a 20 month old who isnt a great sleeper. She isnt terrible but she isnt great. I have spent countless hours helping her learn to put herself to sleep. As hard as the sleep deprivation was I knew I didnt feel
right leaving her to cry. My friends called me wimpy, criticized me, my family told me I was crazy. Only my husband supported me. It didnt matter. I found gentle ways to help her learn so self soothe. She still needs me to sit in her room as she falls asleep. When she wakes up at night I go into her room and sleep on her bed (she in her crib) the rest of the night. If she’s sick or teething she sleeps in thr bed with me. In my gut I know its what she needs. Sometimes I read things about how co sleeping fosters codependent children. Fine. We have time to deal with that when shes a little older. Yes, its important for parents to show/tell their child what is right for them and set guidelines, but 1) what if being with me IS whats right for her, and 2) I do thid in every area of her life.If it was up to her she would never go to bed and live off cupcakes and milk. But she doesnt.
For now, shes so young. Her fears and emotions may not be realistic to me but they are to her. I Know ive always been there for her at night when she needs me. Somewhere that has to translate into something. I worry how I will make it work when we have another baby, but I have faith that Im her momma and Ill continue to do what is right for her AND any other children I may have. Bottom line is every parent needs to parent in the way they feel is right for them. Bravo to you for being brave and doing what your mom gut tells you is right AND sharing it!
And PS: i shared some of my experience w my daughters sleep on fb. so many parents “closet” co sleep and room share and have kids who wake up needing them. Why this has become a taboo subject and something to he ashamed of I will never understand.
Beth
Thanks for sharing your experience, GGWMom. I’m so glad you found what works for you, no matter what the rest of the world may think! xo
Oaktown Mom
I agree. 3.5 months is going to be too early for most babies. I tried a half hour of CIO at that age and realized that my baby did not have the capacity to to do what I was asking of her at the time. I started again around 6 months (Ferber method) to get her to fall asleep at bedtime, and then another similar method at 8 months because I had started to rely on crutches again but they weren’t working anymore. I still nurse at night, but will be cutting back soon. She’s 10 months now so she’s ready.
Also wanted to echo a previous comment that there’s no evidence that CIO causes lasting effects on the brain. That is really just guilt talking and not helpful to mothers
Anyway, the goal, though it’s hard, is to understand where your own baby is developmentally, and not to project our own anxieties on them. And to be honest with ourselves about our needs vs theirs. I often think some of the moms who think their child isn’t ready for something, are perhaps the ones who aren’t ready themselves.
.
Chris
This made me cry actual tears. I’m a new mother myself with a 3 month old daughter, and I have been arguing the don’t sleep train method for weeks with people all around me. It’s so nice to know that I’m not crazy and that I’m not alone in this opinion! Thank you!!
Beth
You are so NOT alone! Sending you hugs and extra-restful sleep, however much of it you get! <3
Lynn
You are so not alone or crazy! I chose to ignore advice on Crying It Out because my heart spoke very loudly to me. I could not reason as to why after being lovingly carried around in my womb for 9 months, that I would want to allow my babies to cry alone. Yes, they still cried whilst being held but I knew they were in loving arms. I breastfed on demand and because my babies shared our bed I didn’t have to get up every 2 hours to feed. (Breastmilk is designed to digest in this time.) Hence, I was less tired during the day. My children are in their 20’s now and are beautiful, serene young adults.
Sophia
It was eight years ago. I was exhausted trying to get my daughter to sleep, putting her into crib only to have her wake up every 15 minutes and scream. She was a very sensitive baby. Still is. She has many allergies. We have to have everything natural, dye and perfume free, organic food, etc. She is doing great now, but then… Then, I was trying to make it. Then, one day, three weeks after we brought her from the hospital, my husband went into the nursery to wake me up and tell me that the baby has been crying for about 30 minutes and yet, there I was asleep next to the crib, totally deaf to her cries. And so, I cried. I took my little girl, put her next to me, and send all expert advices out of the window. She and I slept peacefully next to each other since then until she was about three years old. She, then, went to happily sleep in her own bed, although, sometimes, I still like to sneak in and sleep next to her. I know that one day I will grow out of it, until then, I am OK with it. Really.
Beth
That’s a beautiful story – I’m so glad you listened to your instincts. <3 Thanks for sharing!
Sarah
Great post, because I think most importantly it offers a new perspective to many moms, and freedom to do what they believe is best for their child. Personally, CIO worked really well with my daughter and now she’s an awesome 5-year-old. However, I totally agree that every child is different, as is every parent! It’s not my job to do anything but encourage and support other moms. One statement raised my curiosity: “— Letting a baby CIO can have long-lasting negative effects on a child’s brain chemistry.” Since we plan to have more kids, I’m curious if you know of studies that show this? I’m a chemistry geek, and would love to read the data for myself.
Thanks, and keep doing what you’re doing!
Victoria Hart
A study was done on this at The University of North Texas. I’ll link it for you.
https://inhouse.unt.edu/study-finds-high-infant-stress-levels-during-sleep-training
Beth
Hi Sarah,
Sure – here’s an excellent article, with plenty of links and sources all collated in one place. http://www.phdinparenting.com/blog/2008/7/5/cry-it-out-cio-10-reasons-why-it-is-not-for-us.html
Tab Louk
But remember, *you* decide, out of love, what’s best for your baby. Don’t repeat her mistake of taking other’s pressures, experts, and studies (which cannot be understood from the short, biased summaries we are given) over your own instincts and knowledge of your child. Read the study, but take it all with a grain of salt.
Rachel
There are a number of things you failed to point out here such as the fact that EVERY child is different. Have you ever considered that the reason he has such issues sleeping is because you tried the CIO method at the wrong time for him, or incorrectly, and gave up, never giving him the ability to learn to get himself to sleep? What I learned was that 20 minutes was the limit, then they most likely really need you for something (especially at the young age you tried it). Co-sleeping is fine if you’re doing it safely but I think it’s irresponsible of you to bash and discourage CIO because it didn’t work for you and your child at the time that you tried it.
Beth
Of course every child is different – I never said otherwise. In fact, I specifically mentioned spirited children (a certain definable set of characteristics – Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book is a good reference for that) as being a group for whom CIO likely won’t help.
My story wasn’t about bashing CIO, and if you took that as the bottom line, then you really missed the entire point. The point was about how I didn’t listen to my own instincts, and followed the advice of others instead.
When you say “What I learned was that 20 minutes was the limit”, it really only exacerbates the problem, because the particular book that I read said the *EXACT* opposite. That’s my point: the books all give contradictory advice, and your insinuation that it was likely *my* fault for not doing it correctly is precisely the type of guilt trip that I’m hoping to help other mothers avoid.
Rachel
There is at the very least an undertone of discouraging CIO, whether you meant it that way or not. You give information on why CIO can be damaging after telling your horror story of an experience with it, how is that not discouraging it?
I have a very hard time imagining any book would suggest that you leave a baby alone for as long as it takes for them to stop crying and have an even harder time believing they would suggest 3.5 months (seems an arbitrary age) is the ideal time and that you should leave them alone even if they vomit. That baby could die from choking on their own vomit. I would be very interested to know the source of that information. You say that books all give contradictory information but I’ve never heard of (and couldn’t find anything online) that suggests doing CIO the way you described.
I used the CIO method with both my children when transitioning them from my bed to their own. I did it with my daughter at 1 year and my son at six months. Every source I had (including friends and family) said to leave them for no more than 20 minutes. I also used different ways of doing it with each of them since they were different ages and different people, but each time it was a slow and controlled process that eased them into soothing themselves. It took less than a week with my daughter, a bit longer with my son since he was younger so I had stretched the process out some. I used my own variations of the Ferber method and I think that’s another thing you missed mentioning, there are many ways to do CIO to fit each family (though I’ve never heard any say you let them cry indefinitely without any intervention).
I am being harsh and I know it but I am upset. You talk about using your instincts but I am with you in wishing you would have followed them before trying something so dramatic with him. I wish you would have compared and done more unbiased research before and after so not only would you and your family not have gone through this, but so that you wouldn’t be (whether inadvertently or otherwise) discouraging something that can be very beneficial when done correctly. It’s like having a bad experience with co-sleeping and then telling your story and telling why it can be dangerous with no disclaimers about this being simply your experience or ways it can be done safely.
The website with research that you linked above is also biased. Did you read this disclaimer at the bottom? “Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general.” Not only that, but this author had to do a follow up article to address all the people who pointed out how biased her article and support research was. Here is part of a quote she references in her follow-up article, “According to AAIMHI, ‘There have been no studies, such as sleep laboratory studies, to our knowledge, that assess the physiological stress levels of infants who undergo controlled crying, or its emotional or psychological impact on the developing child.'”
I don’t blame you for questioning CIO after what you and your family went through, but I wish you would have done more open-minded research on it before writing this. While I will happily agree that it won’t work for all children, I believe that the message you’ve given here is that CIO is dangerous and if you don’t feel it’s right, don’t try it. When done correctly, not only is CIO safe, but it is harder on parents than it is on the child, and telling parents it’s ok to give up based on your experience, helps no one.
Beth
This wasn’t meant to be an unbiased news article, nor a scholarly academic paper. As the title indicates – it is *my* story, and I stand by everything I wrote. Yes! My message ABSOLUTELY is “if you don’t feel it’s right, don’t try it”. I believe in following our individual parenting instincts. I’m glad that you found what worked for you.
Beth
Also, the main book I read was called “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”, which is one of the most popular sleep training books out there. After scaring parents with several chapters of the terrible dangers of children not getting proper sleep, the author goes on to describe various “success” stories, where babies are left to cry for hours, but after a week or two straight, finally give in and fall asleep with “minimal” crying.
I do **NOT** recommend this book, or method.
Sarah
As I read this article, I thought (wow! This is the past two years of my life). I love that you talk about this so honestly. When I was pregnant people made jokes about sleep but I guess I thought my baby was going to be some miracle child and sleep through the night the day after birth. When in reality, she’s two and still occasionally wakes at night. She slept through the night for the first time at 15 months old and I got pregnant with baby number two! Haha! I received so much negativity from family and friends about co-sleeping. I felt pressured to feed my baby rice cereal to fill her belly up at night and make her sleep. I’m glad through it all I stuck to my intuition and did what I felt was best by co-sleeping and exclusively breast feeding for the first 6 months.
I especially love how you mentioned feeling dumb at church group for not being able to piece together a sentence. I went through this too and I was embarrassed to have a conversation with anyone in fear of sounding dumb.
Thank you for letting me and all the other sleep deprived mamas out there know that this is normal and we are alone!
Kate
I so badly needed to hear this. Thank you and bless you. And please don’t be too hard on yourself- you did what you thought was right at the time. Love always conquers.
Anne
So sorry you went through that! I read a ton of parenting and sleep books before my first was born too but instinct took over before we ever left the hospital. He wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him so thats what I did. We coslept for a few months until he decided he didn’t like it anymore at 6 months old. He started sleeping through the night at about 15 months. My second baby coslept with us for a year and started sleeping through the night at 17 months. I was always against cosleeping until I had my own baby and realized we both slept better when we were together. Baby number 3 is due in about 6 weeks and we will cosleep again. I don’t read parenting books anymore. I just do what instinct tells me to and that has been to cosleep and hold my babies a lot and don’t let them cry if I can help it for the first several moths. They were happier babies and well adjusted ,loving, happy toddler/preschooler now. Follow your mama instincts moms. 🙂 thanks for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. I can’t stand to hear my babies cry. Breaks my heart.
Cayse
Thank you so much for this. I can’t even express how much I needed this right now. After 1 year of co-sleeping (light on the sleep for me) I had started to think I was in the wrong “camp” but every attempt we’ve made to night wean or cry it out has failed miserably and left me shaking with guilt. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this! ❤️❤️❤️
Chella
What a great article! My first born slept though the night (12 hours every night) atv6 weeks. No CIO needed. It was just how she’s wired. My “baby”(he’s 9 now) wouldn’t sleep. Ever. Not sure how we survived. We tried CIO. Only once. It was awful. So, we slept with him. To this day, bedtime requires lights on, door open until he falls asleep and he often ends up in our bed. And it’s all good. Every kid is different. You have to do what’s best for yours, no matter what anyone tells you.
Jen
Thank you so much for writing this. I sat here crying as I read it as it just sums up my life exactly right now. I get pressure about CIO and I just don’t get on with it and don’t think it works. Thank you!
Alison Warken
Thank you so much for pouring your heart out! You’re helping other mommas in the same position. As I sit here and write, my 5 month old has just fallen back asleep, after getting up about every 2.5 to 3 hours each night.
It’s exhausting and we’ve tried the cry it out method for only 10 minutes or so and I just can’t do it.
I know now one day I’ll get sleep, but for now it’s all about my baby girl.
Thanks again for your help and your boy is precious!
Xoxo
Hosnia
I laughed so hard at the part where you wanted to throw him out the window. I had the exact same thought as I went through those tough days of sleep deprivation. I read your article because I am now expecting number two and I am so scared of having another little one that won’t sleep!!!
Julie
unfortunately, some people get their baby to sleep in 3 days by using CIO and then recommend it to everyone. They feel that their kid is doing OK and loves them as much as before, so what’s the problem ?
The problem is, babies are different, and some will respond greatly to this trauma.
Moreover, science has proved that high levels of cortisol IS BAD, no matter how loving your child seems. Their brain is growing so quickly as that age -don’t let this be influenced by toxic chemicals such as cortisol. I’m a fervent anti-CIO advocate. 😉
Alicia
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was a vulnerable new mama with a spirited little baby girl, who is now a wonderful little toddler. I’m still going through sleep deprivation, and we had tried CIO…it produced so much anxiety that I had a breakdown on the second night, I cried hysterically and told my husband that it didn’t feel natural, grabbed our baby, and she’s been in our bed ever since. I cried again today reading these words…I’ll make that cappuccino and kiss her sweet little face. We will make it through!
Beth
I wish I could give you a great big hug right now! You absolutely WILL make it through, even if you can’t yet see the other side. Saying a prayer for you today. xo
Breanne
Thank you for writing this! I actually get a lot of pressure from my husband to do the CIO method with my kids…. Which is very difficult for me. I just don’t feel good about it and it makes me feel kind of sick just thinking about it. 🙁
Beth
Trust those instincts, mama! I will pray that your hubs sees your heart and convictions, and respects that. xo
Elisabeth
All of my babies slept through the night by 3months old; i had my own method but don’t want to ‘preach it’ on here, haha…. Was NOT the CIO method. But at first my second child was the same as yours…would only sleep if laying on one of us. I think if he’d been my first, i would have reacted as you did, because first time mommas don’t really have those instincts everyone talks about. Im convinced that develops the more time you spend with your babies. But with my second, i knew something was wrong; come to figure out, he was very constipated and was only comfortable on heat. We went through several different formulas before finding one that he could easily digest, and he was finally able to sleep. My third slept through by three months, but then started waking and crying at 4 months…after a week, i decided to research and figured out he had reflux, but we hadnt been able to tell because he just swallowed it back down. After we took the appropriate steps, he went back to sleeping fine. My point is that it sounds like your little man might have had a health issue that no one caught on to…..especially when you describe him crying for so long; i think he was in pain. This is another reason why i think the CIO method is so dangerous. It leaves babies who have no other way of telling somethings wrong no other resource. I DON’T think its normal for babies to be awake all of the time; i don’t agree with some who say that some babies just get it sooner than others; i believe that some babies after 3-5 months just have something bothering them. I’m sorry for such a horrific experience. I wish you’d had someone you could have talked to who could have just given you some experienced mommy sense. It’s not and never should be about sides, but about what is best for your child. God bless!
Victoria Hart
I too had this horrific experience. My baby had severe reflux and colitis, but doctors could never pinpoint the cause. We eliminated dairy and soy, switched to hydrolyzed formula, used prescription medications, but nothing worked. She outgrew it at 9 months. She’s very sensitive to pain and trying has been hell. She’s 20 months and still hasn’t consistently slept through the night. Im hoping once teething end she will. I think she has sensory processing disorder and am having her evaluated when we turns 2./