Warning: this post is longer than the longest thing in the world. I should have split it up, but I didn’t want to. You’ve been forewarned.
Hey Pretty Mama, in your yoga pants and ponytail, slamming back the coffee like it’s magic (which it totally is). I’m terrified to write this letter, if I’m being honest. I have been wanting to share my story with you for so long, but have been much too scared to speak, for many reasons.
There are so many wars fought in the name of The Best Way in baby-rearing.
When you become a parent for the first time you generally catch on pretty quickly that you’re supposed to stake your flag into one side or the other. Pick a side, join a camp, wear team colours proudly. Follow your instincts, they say at first! And also… our Ten Convincing Reasons We’re Right! handout, these biased pamphlets, and this expert… and that one, too.
I arrived at this fork in the road while pregnant with my first child, reading everything I could get my hands on. Mostly on the internet, because hello: 21st century, right? Message boards, blog posts, websites of psychologists and child development theorists, friends and family, and around and around again like a never-ending merry-go-round of opinions and information, until I fell off in a dizzy heap. Instincts? I thought to myself. You mean this glassy-eyed feeling of confusion and panic is not normal? Huh.
So, I read stuff. I collected information and shoved it into my over-crowded brain like a clown car at a circus. I talked it out with my husband regularly. Of course, it was all still theory at this point. Our only child was still relatively easy, being still in the womb and stuff. One day while driving somewhere I gave him the introduction, 3 point argument, and conclusion for why I had decided to shack up with Camp A. Then, the next day I’d read something else equally convincing for the other side and become my own devil’s advocate, convinced that Camp B was, in fact, the way to go.
I flip-flopped back and forth like that for weeks. Months, actually. Struggling back and forth constantly with this decision is one of the biggest defining memories from my first pregnancy, and in the end I never felt completely settled one way or another.
The decision that plagued me most and caused me the most anguish was sleep-training. The idea of crying it out versus, well… not crying-it-out. It seemed to be all parents talked about: the fact that they were so freaking exhausted, and how to deal.
I had several great friends at the time who offered advice and recommendations for books and resources. So I nabbed one of the books and started reading. It explained the scientific basis of the importance of sleep. Basically, your child must get enough sleep or he will morph into a tiny evil frankenstein at night, murder your every hope of happiness, and then probably end up in prison or dead.
Ok, it may not have outlined it exactly like that, but I do recall becoming quite terrified about the number of hours in which my kid was snoozing, and thus quite willing to do whatever the book told me to do in order for him to sleep the appropriate amount of time. The book advocated the cry-it-out method if establishing a strict schedule did not “work” first.
Then, one sunny September afternoon, I gave birth. I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that the earth hung in limbo for a tiny second as he came into it. There was before, and then there was after. I was profoundly and irrevocably changed in a cosmic and mysterious way.
We were exhausted, of course. We had missed a night of sleep while labouring, then, you know, I did the whole giving birth thing, and here was this shiny and plump little red-faced creature with teeny whisps of dark hair all over his head. I held his bare body on my bare chest and wrapped my hospital gown around us both, unsure of what to do now that I could no longer shield him from the world with just my body.
We spent a night at the hospital, then came home, thrilled and terrified. That first night was hell. We spent every minute of the whole night getting him to sleep – nursing, rocking, diapering… and laying him in his cradle a foot from my head. He took a solid fifteen-second nap each time, then woke up and wanted to snuggle again. I bet you missed me, didn’t you, mama? Here I am!
My mom had said to call in the morning if we needed anything, so at 6:01am, I phoned her, choking back sniffling sobs of sheer wall-slammed exhaustion as I mumbled something not-really coherent. She came over that day, and I remember falling into her arms as she hugged me, and I choked back weeping tears as despair flooded over me. I had never been so exhausted in my entire life, and little did I know it was going to get worse before it got better.
It continued like that for months as the little brown-eyed treasure – with whom we were hopelessly in love – proved himself to be a spirited child right from the start. He would not sleep in his crib, in a carseat, in a cradle, in a swing, or on anything other than a warm and snuggly body, for more than an hour, maybe? I question that because it’s mostly a horrific blur of panicked survival.
I don’t recall specifics, but I do recall the terror. Wondering if I was going to actually survive. Wondering if you could die of sleep deprivation, or if I’d be the mom that went off the deep end and actually ended up harming her child. I was probably dealing with some undiagnosed postpartum depression as well: I remember an evening when he was 9 months and I was more or less just as exhausted as ever, and as I sat there in that yellow room bathed in the glow of a nightlight, rocking him to sleep yet again. I thought about what it would be like to toss him out the bedroom window. I pictured it happening in my mind, and pictured the scenario in a somewhat detached mindset.
I somehow knew that there was no real danger at hand, but I do recall vividly the feeling of despair and hopelessness. One night at small group Bible study (where we were the only ones with a baby) someone asked me a basic question (nothing hard – it was something inane and simple) and I struggled to make the words come out of my mouth beyond nonsensical syllables. The sentence was formed in my head, but the gears in my brain were so exhausted that they were not even able to get my mouth to form a coherent sentence. I remember feeling humiliated and stupid after muddling through the answer, before clamming up the rest of the evening. There was a constant haze that surrounded my brain, making me feel stupid and out of it, for most of that first year.
By the time he was 3.5 months, we were desperate. In fact, I think that’s putting it lightly. I was ill-equipped to deal with the level of exhaustion that we experienced. In fact, I recall many a time using that as the basis of a light joke when people would ask the awful question, “So, is he sleeping through the night yet?”. I’d respond with “No, not really. We’re pretty tired these days. Now we know why they use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic in terrorism!” Ha ha, how cute – so hyperbolic and witty! Except that I was so serious…
Slowly but surely, the flag that my instincts had led me to plant in Camp A became uprooted as we began the trek over to the other side. The instincts that told me that my baby’s desire to be with me was completely natural and healthy were told to shut up the eff up, and sit down. The instinct for survival was greater, and I thought that the only way to do that was to change camps. So we did.
To this day, as he is 5.5 years old, my heart is utterly broken and grieved by what we did next. At 3.5 months old, we let him “cry it out”. According to the cry-it-out experts, most babies will need to cry for just a short while – 10 minutes or so – before falling asleep and sleeping for the longest stretch of their lives thus far. The SUPER important issue, however, is to never, ever, EVER give in and go to him. Because then he’ll think he’s won, he can manipulate you, and you’re sunk.
The books I read encouraged parents to let the baby cry for as long as it needed to, and one of the books even said that if the baby vomited, to leave it, and change the sheets the next morning.
This is the number one biggest regret of my entire life, for which I am sick and ashamed: In desperation, we let that sweet baby boy scream and wail and cry for for three hours. He screamed hysterically for three hours as we played board games in the basement to get away from the sound, with the baby monitor turned down. I’m not sure which ached more: my full breasts or my heart weeping with sorrow. This went for several nights and then the length began to shorten ever so slightly. I thought I had no choice. I thought it was our last resort.
Eventually, something happened and we stopped, because it so clearly was not working the way it was “supposed to”. We tried so hard to obey the advice, to do it “right”, to find relief from our desperate exhaustion and become better parents in the process. That didn’t happen. I don’t recall the specifics of how and when and where from then on, with regard to his sleeping habits. It has mostly been blocked from my memory. I just know that no benefit whatsoever came from that decision, and I will regret it to the very core of my being, until the day I die.
As I type this, sitting in bed late at night, he’s asleep beside me, between his Daddy and I. He has his own bed, but always ends up in ours in the middle of the night. We don’t mind a single bit, and we cherish the moments that he sleeps beside us as we get to kiss his soft head and cheeks, while the last bits of his babyhood rapidly fade away for good.
He struggles with falling asleep on his own now. He prefers to have us close by in the same room. If you ask me, I’ll tell you straight up that yes, I do think that’s a residual effect of what he went through as a baby. The high levels of stress and panic that flooded his infant brain were not healthy, and have likely affected him in ways we’ll never fully understand. I sit in his darkened room as he falls asleep, sometimes right on my lap, and I cradle his gangly limbs as they hang off my lap in all directions, and I kiss his head and face, and whisper lovey-doveys in his ears. I will do it every night of my life until he says he doesn’t need it anymore – when he decides he’s ready to take that next step of independence.
I want you to know, dear sweet sleep-deprived mama, that I get it. I so get the exhaustion, the desperation, the feeling like the fog will never, ever lift, and the despair. I also want you to know that it will get better. One day, down the road, that sweet baby will sleep a little longer, then a little longer, and then on and on it goes, until you wake up one day and marvel that a new stage is at hand, and look – you survived after all.
And here: I’ll tell you some facts I wish someone had told me back then:
— Babies are biologically designed to be near their caregivers for survival, and as such aren’t usually super fond of sleeping all alone in the dark.
— Sleeping through the night is defined as a 5-hour stretch, and the whole sleeping 12 hours thing doesn’t happen until toddlerhood or later, for the majority of healthy and normal children.
— Co-sleeping can be done safely and effectively, and has been shown to decrease the rate of SIDS as well as getting better sleep for both mother and baby.
— Letting a baby CIO can have long-lasting negative effects on a child’s brain chemistry.
— The CIO method will also likely not “work” at all for a certain subset of children who are defined as “spirited children” (such as our sweet boy.) Their brains are just wired differently, and CIO will probably not work at all.
So why was this such a terrifying story to tell? I guess for fear of being condemned (God knows I’ve done that enough for myself). I also don’t want you to read this as a judgment or pronouncement on an entire camp or way of thinking. I have my opinions, of course, but that’s not the story I wanted to tell.
I simply share because I want the mama who feels that pressure to sleep-train to know that’s it’s ok to choose not to do it. It’s ok to listen to your instincts to go to your baby when he cries. It’s ok to cry from exhaustion and not know how you’re going to survive the day ahead. It’s ok to try new things and read books and think and pray and agonize and muddle through it all like a couple of total dummies. At the end of the day you have a tiny creature who depends on you for their very life. Your bond is unstoppable and your love is all-consuming. Let that be your guide.
Trust that mama-heart that God gave you, and snuggle your sweet little baby. Rock him to sleep and kiss his soft head. Drink an extra cup of coffee and call a friend. Make it through another day, one single hour at a time. You can and you will survive.
So much love to you, dear one.
xo,
B.
Rachel Johnson
hi Beth,
I just stumbled upon your blog- very encouraged by you. this has me in tears. I struggled with CIO with my first, we did it a few times but I couldn’t handle it. he will be two in August and I have to sit in his room until he falls asleep. I often find myself frustrated with it and ask myself if I would be in this situation if I were more diligent when he was younger. We now have a 3 month old and I was honestly dreading the days when we reach the point of CIO. thank you for being the momma who said exactly what a large majority of women would never say out loud. after all- our babies are only little for so long… why not cuddle and comfort them when they need it most!
Giovanna
I SO needed this….Thanks!
I am pretty exhausted with a 8 month baby, homeschooling older children, working a lot from home ( our family needs my income to put food on the table) and natural & frugal lifestyle. I am so thankful to God that my husband will refuse CIO and I feel bad for even proposing to him sometimes. I just can’t think straight when I am running low in energy. I pray that God will place a Christian/ holistic minded friend near me so I can find encouragement and wise counsel when needed.
Thanks for this again!
Krys
Beth,
I am so glad that you took the plunge and wrote about this. I think it is something that almost every mom struggles with behind closed doors. Everyone told me to let my kids cry it out and sleep train them at 3 months, but I ignored their recommendations.
Co-sleeping didn’t work in our house but both my children were in a basinet next to me until they did sleep through the night.
For the first 3 months of my daughter life she would only sleep in her car seat and didn’t even really sleep well in there. She had her days and nights flipped and she was colic. I was exhausted, my husband worked nights, and we had just moved to a new town where I knew no one. The nights were so long. After about 3 hours of her crying, I would start crying because I wouldn’t know what was wrong. It seemed like there was this one magical night, I don’t even know what happened but 2 days before Christmas, she decided it was time to sleep. That she did, ALL NIGHT.
With my son, we had the bouncing, vibrating chair in his basinet and that was the only way he would sleep. He had reflux and couldn’t keep his milk down after feedings. He would be sick after every feeding and he was such a restless sleeper. Looking back on it, I’m certain he was having issues with dairy, but I was too exhausted to notice (at this point I had a toddler at home and up all day and my husband still working nights). Again, one night around 5 months he just went to sleep and didn’t wake up till morning.
As tired as I was every day, I loved rocking both my kids to sleep every night. It’s just a matter of time before they don’t want to cuddle. I know as a Mom we have so many other things on our mind like tomorrow’s lunches and doing dishes and cleaning, but people need to understand that we are raising our kids and that is number one. Like I say when people come over and my house is a mess: “I have kids, and if you don’t like the mess, don’t come back.”
Krys
Meagan
The funny thing is, it’s not about the parents. It’s not our choice. I have three sweet children. The first was a terrible terrible sleeper and never slept more than 20 minutes at a time for the first year or so. Then as a toddler he suddenly changed and we let him CIO and it only took about ten minutes the first time. I will say that I have never heard of leaving them alone to CIO though. I sang to him and was right there. Then came child #2. She wanted her own crib from the very start. She didn’t even let me rock her or nurse her to sleep. She would scream and scream until I put hher down and then she’d be instantly calm and put herself to sleep. At two now, she can’t sleep without tons of cuddle time and ends up with us often. Baby #3 is a year old and just started sleeping in his own bed but still needs to be swaddled and nursed to sleep but he sleeps 12 straight. A week ago was the first time though, and before that he still nursed every one to two hours and couldn’t sleep without me. How arrogant we are too think we can decide for another human what will work for them? I met with a lot of opposition from the pediatrician on this but I see it like this: if somebody took my favorite pillow and fan, there would be no sleep for me until they were returned. Why take away whatever my helpless child needs to sleep, whether that be a crib in a quiet room alone or snuggled between mom and dad? And seriously, no teenager wants to sleep with his parent. They will learn to sleep alone. And then they may get married and never sleep alone again. Who knows? Who cares? Just love them the way they need it. Kids are individuals and rather helpless. Help them. Guilt free. Confrontation free. I loved this whole post. Don’t do what works for you, do what works for them. Their brains aren’t wired to be able to just adjust to mom or dad or pediatrician or grandma or bossy friend or “expert.” Thank you for sharing your story. So so so much.
MamaV
My first was such a “by the book” baby, we sleep trained him and God forbid he ever spend a night in our bed… My 2nd son wouldn’t sleep without me for months! Fortunately, in the intervening time I had pretty much completely changed my views on baby sleep, so he just co-slept with us. Somewhere around 3 months he transitioned to a crib right beside our bed. He is 6 months old, still gets up to eat at night, but does well being near me but in his own bed. I would never let him cry it out (not because I think it is so evil per se, but because I would MUCH rather just pick him up and comfort him). He won’t be a baby forever, so I had better enjoy it while it lasts!
Lindsay G.
I am so happy to have stumbled upon this post. I needed this so much right now. Thank you!
Beth
Thank-you so much for the encouragement! I’m so glad you stumbled here too 🙂 xo.
Julia
Me too! My third baby is SO different from first two, and your words could have been written by me this time around. She is almost nine months old, and wakes 5 times a night. This was an encouragement. My husband and I have never let her cry more than a few minutes, despite urgings of other parents. She needs Mamma right now, and not just that, but the comfort of nursing. I’m dog tired, but this too shall end, and she will sleep like my other two (ages 3 and 5). Just need to embrace it, let things go, and not seek perfection. Thanks for sharing, and not allowing fear of judgement to hold you back!
Angelina
This is the best post I have ever read.. I swear I could have wrote this as it was my situation with our daughter. Our story is identical and she is now 2.5 yrs and she still likes to be near us… We are expecting our 2nd this June (sleeping arrangements will be interesting) but I always kid that we can just build a bigger bed. LOL no, I am serious… I am going to share this with my husband. I never thought that the CIO could have made her need to be near us more to rest.
Thank you for sharing your story because it was very real for us <
Beth
I’m so glad it was helpful to you. Thanks for sharing your story as well – it’s so important for us mamas to be transparent and genuine with one another. xo.
Rachel
Thank you.
Just…thank you.
My sweet boy is 6 months old and is not sleeping through the night. I have just had an exhausting day at work and was literally going to just give in and do CIO when I got home. I tried it once – only for an hour – and I still feel guilty. But it’s hard, in the middle of an exhausted stretch, to remember that it will get better and that you do not, in fact, *have* to do CIO. It seemed so wrong to me – and, for once, I’d like to just trust my instincts. He’s my son. And no amount of sleep is worth that hysteria.
Thank you. Seriously.
Beth
Rachel – I want to thank YOU for commenting here. You are exactly the reason I wrote this post, and I’m so blessed to know that it encouraged you. I know it’s hard in these days. I know it. Trust your instincts – I promise you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. xoxo.
Kourtney
When the sleep deprived leave blog comments, it can get interesting! Thank you for sharing your story. I would like to hear more of your thoughts about safe co-sleeping. My pediatrician is quite against it, as she states it raises the SIDS risk.
Beth
Hey Kourtney! Here are a few good sources to start:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/safe-co-sleeping-habits
http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/familybed/
Dr. Sears actually says that it can REDUCE the risk of SIDS if practiced safely and properly: http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-co-sleeping-a-sids-danger
Your ped might benefit from some of these articles 🙂
Leslie
I am sympathetic to the AP-style of parenting, but this sort of story makes me think that perhaps there is a tendency within the AP community to be overly concerned and think how one mothers is directly related to how children see the world and how they turn out. Cortisol levels would have to rise repeatedly, over the course of numerous instances, for a child’s brain to be negatively affected. Like serious, repeated neglect. There’s much more at work within these little people than how we parent them, specifically sleep training or not. I’ve read one too many of these “I tried CIO and it was AWFUL and I damaged my kid, so now I’m better because I just embraced what is NATURAL, you should too” posts. I wish we women good wrap our minds around living a “quiet life, keeping to our own business” and stop evaluating, comparing, boasting in our parenting “successes” to the subtle condemnation of others and the exultation of self. It is a hard balance to strike as a lifestyle blogger, but much needed.
Beth
I think you’ve completely mischaracterized my post, and you’ve put words in my mouth that I never said. I shared my story and my thoughts. That’s it. I even stated outright: “I also don’t want you to read this as a judgment or pronouncement on an entire camp or way of thinking.”
I’m terribly sorry that you were not able to understand the point of what I wrote.
PS. living a “quiet life, keeping to our own business” is not my goal in life, nor should it be. We all need each other’s stories… and I wish that instead of condemning me for mine, you had considered simply sharing your own.
Leslie
I’m sorry, Beth. I do characterize or judge this post to be similar to others I’ve read recently and I stand by the hyperbole that I used (not to directly quote you, but you know that), but to make a point. Your opinions about CIO, though not stated, came clear in your voice, and perhaps that struck a chord with me (though I don’t have any hard and fast rules about sleep training, I do not believe that babies are so negatively affected as you described in your experience). I am sorry for leaving a critical comment, though. I always feel passionately about something in the moment but do regret after seeing my words at a later time. And the quite life thing…I don’t assume everyone feels the same way I do, and that Scripture isn’t talking about NOT sharing our stories, so that’s not what I meant either. Blessings to you.
Neen
There are many different kinds of trauma. There are the development issues with too much chronic cortisol exposure, which prolonged crying alone causes. There are *also* traumas that can happen once and forever affect you. Kids react as though they are traumatized by horrible situations. There is no reason to assume that babies aren’t, too.
I don’t know if anything caused the boy in this story’s sleep preferences, or if it is just his personality. I agree cortisol wouldn’t cause it from that one night. But his terror might have…or might not.
The fact remains, though, that CIO *is* biologically contraindicated for human babies, according to all the research. *None* shows it to be safe, and plenty shows that it normally causes reactions that we know can actually be dangerous. Not saying this in public removes parenta’ ability to make choices with all the facts. If parents knew that “best practices” did not include CIO, many (most) wouldn’t choose to use it. (best practices as in researched based, shown to work and be safe). I predict that if they try to study CIO, with blood evaluations and stress indicators, etc, they would have to stop the study, due to safety and humanitarian concerns.
Kelly @ The Nourishing Home
Thank you for being so courageous to share your story, Beth, I pray it helps many a mom who has been told that the CIO method is the “right” way. I am so thankful for having a mom who co-slept with us and so when I was pregnant, I knew I was going to co-sleep with my babies. It was so hard because I had to keep silent about it for the most part because it would evoke such strong negative reactions from people when I spoke about how I slept with my newborns. I even had to change pediatricians because my first one gave me such an angry lecture and shamed me to thinking I was a bad, irresponsible mother for “endangering” my child. It’s so sad to me that people do not know all the facts about co-sleeping and it’s positive impact for both mother and baby. I’m glad you mentioned a few of them here. I was blessed to find Dr. Sears (who way back then was still practicing with his sons here in Southern CA). He has many books on attachment parenting that are quite helpful in explaining the benefits of co-sleeping. We had our newborns in bed with us from day one. And we had an exit plan in place too that helped them to slowly transition to their own beds. At age one, we began with a mattress on the floor next to our bed and then when baby number two was one and a half, we transitioned both into their room together on two mattresses side-by-side. Despite all the warnings from well-meaning relatives and others who said our kids would be in bed with us forever (LOL) they happily transitioned to their shared room. Today, my 14 year old has his own room, but still invites his 12 year old brother in many a night to sleep on the trundle. They are so close. And the two always come jump in bed with us first thing in the morning – I LOVE this tradition of how we start our day. And when Dad is out of town, I always have a little man that snuggles up with me and keeps me company. It’s such a JOY!!! I really am SO very happy that we co-slept with our babies. I know it’s not for everyone, but it truly was a real blessing (and still is) for us. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful story. (And sorry my comment is almost as long as your post. As you can tell, I am a huge supporter of co-sleeping!) xoxo
Beth
Thank-you SO much for sharing your story as a mama of older kids – I love, love, LOVE hearing that! What an encouragement. xo.
Moggie
Oh my. I can just imagine that poor thing crying his heart out. And I really, really don’t know which books you’ve read that recommended letting a child sleep in their own vomit, but something like that should be criminal.
I know there are a lot of books and each one of them says something different, but for me, and for many, many moms that I know, the CIO method worked – but if it should work, it has to be DONE RIGHT. That doesn’t mean letting the baby wail for three hours straight.
Anyone interested in the how-to, check here http://www.itsbedtimeapp.com/, or google “Estivill method”.
Basically, you never really let the baby CIO, but you stretch the intervals. So, if a baby cries and can’t fall asleep, you come IMMEDIATELY, hold them, snuggle them, whatever, to calm them down. The next time they start crying, you come immediately, but you DON’T take them out of the crib/bed/whatever, just stroke them and talk to them and let them know you’re there, but now it’s time to sleep. Next time the baby starts wailing, you wait ONE MINUTE and then repeat process. Then two minutes. Never, ever, do you go over fifteen minutes or so.
For most moms that I know who have tried Estivill, it took a few nights and no more than, say, ten intervals, for their baby to start falling asleep peacefully and sleeping longer than a few hours.
It really works. I promise. And there’s no trauma for the baby.
Maria
My claim to fame is I still haven’t gotten a good night sleep in seven years and I have no regrets on how I raised or put my kids to sleep. My oldest who is seven now, didn’t sleep in her own bed until she was three. My youngest, who is four now, still sleeps with me, she is a very hyper child. I work full time out of the home and we get up and out of the house at 7:00 am. If I want to be an effective and functioning human being, I do what I have to get some sleep. Every circumstance is different. I live in an apartment, so I can’t have my child crying herself to sleep for hours at a time. The neighbors would report me to child services. So I say whatever works for you and your family, no one has a right to question. My kids are happy and very healthy, not all attached to me when I take them to school and daycare everyday of the workweek. I know one day in the near future when neither one needs me as much, I’m going to miss these nights together.
Dena Norton
Beautifully written, Beth!
I’m sure those who’ve had similar stories feel they’ve received a verbal hug from someone who understands where they are. The rest of us who’ve walked a different path can appreciate your honesty and bravery, and send a verbal hug your way {huuuug}. 🙂
A dear friend of mine had an experience similar to yours with her first. My first was an easy sleeper, and I felt so helpless having to just listen and pray for she and her husband as they felt their way through a somewhat dark season of sheer exhaustion and emotional trauma – Thankfully, they prayerfully sought God’s wisdom and strength, and had a testimony of His provision to share on the other side! I’m certain she would have soaked up a post like this had she read it back then!
Beth
Thank-you so much for sharing your encouragement and your story. It took me a while to process and respond to comments here, but I appreciate that you understand and heard my heart in this. xo.
reb
love love love you for writing this!!!! so often i read posts that go the other way….that CIO isn’t as bad as people think it is, etc. thank you for writing the truth!!!
Beth
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Reb. xoxoxo!
Laura Schuerwegen
Wow, I’m weeping. We went a similar route with our daughter, but couldn’t go through with it. I think I stood crying next to her door for twenty minutes and then went to pick her up.
This and the many mainstream mistakes we made when she was tiny…
Big love to you… Hopefully we suffer more from these mistakes than they do
Beth
You really, truly GET it. Thank-you. xoxo.
Tiffany K
This is just like my story! You wrote honestly and from the heart and by doing so you will help another momma in the bumpy beginnings of her journey. Thank you so much for this. So beautifully written! Hugs & God Bless!
Beth
Thanks, Tiffany. xo. <3
Tabitha
Aw, man….tears. I wasn’t sure where this was going….and either way, I was in support. I thank you for sharing your story, I wish more women could bravely tell their stories of how they felt, what they decided and how it all turned out–in all aspects of life and motherhood! Bless you for sharing. Thank you for your bravery.
All mamas and babies are different. Every situation is different. You did the best you could, as we all do. We all have to take it one day at a time–that’s all I’m doing now and my boys are 4 and 8!
I could write more but it doesn’t matter, really….I’m a big fan of moms following their heart, so thank you for encouraging us to do so.
Beth
Yes – following your heart!! That is so, so important. Thanks for sharing your encouragement with me. xo.
Sonita Lewis
Do NOT beat yourself up! Let go of that mam guilt!
Son #1 (now 10 years old) was super laid back, slept in his crib from day one, we also did the CIO thing (BROKE my HEART!). But he’s my good sleeper. He slept through the night (8-10 hours) at 3 months old and exclusively breastfed.
Son #2 (now 7) was a high needs baby with reflux and is to this day my strong-willed one. He co-slept or slept while I wore him most of the time until around 16 months(when he weaned off the breast), the one that to this day will sometimes cry for us to lay with him at night, he’s the one who had bad nightmares, he’s the one who isn’t a superstar sleeper.
The point is, kids are unique individuals. Maybe your son would still end up in your bed most nights even if he had co-slept from day one, maybe he would still do that if you hadn’t let him CIO. There is no way to know. Let go of the mama guilt, you don’t need it anymore 🙂
Beth
Thanks Sonita. Writing this was cathartic for me, and I’ve been working on doing exactly that. xoxo. Thanks for sharing your story too.
BrownThumbMama
Oh Beth, this is my story too. I didn’t know what I was doing–an only child without any practice with babies–when I became a Mama.
I read the book (title rhymes with Baby Cries) and let J-man cry it out. It was horrible. Thankfully, by the time Little Peanut came along I had changed my tune. We co-slept and it worked astoundingly well.
Know that you did your best and none of us know all the answers. I was exclusively formula-fed and in the crib from Day 1–and am a reasonably normal, functioning human being! Give yourself grace. <3
Beth
Yes… that book… is awful 🙁
Thanks for sharing your story and for hearing mine. It’s so encouraging. xo.