For When You’re Not Enough
I sit late at night staring at the blinking cursor. Wondering what help the blog browsing and pinning and otherwise-avoiding-the-issue was to me in writing this down. None, I suppose. So here I sit, my night-time herbal tea long since finished, my husband yawning and heading to bed and my words are still jarring me from the inside waiting to be poured out.
I have been trying so hard lately. To be “good enough”. I add quotation marks with irritation because I don’t even understand what that really means, let alone find success at it, and it’s all just a bit heavy and burdensome after a while.
Patient enough. Healthy enough. Spiritual enough. For my kids, for my husband, for myself. For Him. And always failure. Hot shameful failure that courses through my veins with a rhythmic beat that tears me up inside and leaves me desperate for a do-over. And when it’s only 9:15am.
It’s an out-of-body experience as I watch myself yelling and slamming doors and indulging in my hot-tempered mess of humanity. And all over a pair of boots which are a thin veil for the gritty reality which is that in that moment I lacked gratitude. It’s a cosmic battle waging in the inmost parts of me, and I snap to myself to get a grip but I don’t and I pout and rant and give in to weakness. I think that the problems are happening to me and I ignore the fact that the problem is me. I lose perspective and I am not enough.
I’m not enough on my own. And in that, inexplicably, I find… grace? Yes – and joy. And thanksgiving…
In the first chapter of One Thousand Gifts, Ann writes “I wonder too… if the rent in the canvas of our own life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God. That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave… But how? How do we choose to allow the holes to become seeing-through-to-God places?”.
And now I realize that this is exactly the problem: my pathetic attempts to rid myself of the “thin, open places”. To try harder and be better at it all and to finally overcome my struggles. My own emptiness is uncomfortable to me because it is such a precise demonstration of my weakness. My flesh struggles with all its might to resist and yet somehow, strangely, I am drawn to embrace the emptiness, that I might be filled with something other-worldly, something beautiful and poetic and so much more than what the flesh can offer. Because it’s obvious that my way isn’t working and so why not try the crazy upside-down way?
And how, I ask? How can this be that I could dare to hope for more? That I might dare to say yes to embracing my torn-open holes and weak spots, and break bread and drink the wine in thanksgiving for those very weaknesses. Believing that they lead me to the One who is strong and who loves with an unquenchable desire for my heart, and gives unspeakable joy…
Dare I believe that I can revel in that joy? Really and honestly that I can live with such thanksgiving in my heart?
My heart is pounding and I fear hitting the publish button. My gut is wrenching me in that uncomfortable-God-speaking kind of way and my eyes are tired but alive with hope and dare I say containing a hint of joy.
Oh! That I may stop trying to be enough and start living in gratitude for what I am today! Gratitude for all of it. The growing pains, the desires, the hard and mundane. The God who is there in all of it, real and raw and close. Oh so close.
Lord, let it be so.
You articulate the struggle with your flaws very beautifully, Beth. Thanks for such honest sharing. We all struggle with our flaws, learning to see our imperfections and turn humbly to our God to heal us again and again. I agree with Joy’s words, ” it’s been exhausting and embarassing and emotional, I AM finding beauty in my very own weaknesses, beauty in His graces, beauty (and relief) in finally giving in, admitting that I really never can be good enough ” Hugs and prayers for you!
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate the encouragement!
Thank you for these thoughts Beth. It’s encouraging to know we all, at some point or another, experience these same feelings.
Thanks for letting me know that it resonated with you, Christina! So good to have fellow travellers on this road.
Oh, Beth! Bless you for your transparency and passion! And YES YES YES! That’s it exactly – giving thanks IN all circumstances, not in spite of… I’ve very recently come to the end of myself, and while it’s been exhausting and embarassing and emotional, I AM finding beauty in my very own weaknesses, beauty in His graces, beauty (and relief) in finally giving in, admitting that I really never can be good enough, that that’s not even the point! I thought I had that all figured out, but now I’m living it all out in gut-wrenching, glorious reality and I KNOW.
It’s cheesy to end a blog comment with song lyrics, but these have been the words that have become my cry:
In Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled, WHEN STRIVINGS CEASE
My comforter, my all in all; here is the love of Christ I stand
Love you, Girl!
That’s really it – coming to the end of ourselves. So difficult, but so, so good! I absolutely LOVE that song – I think it may be my all-time favourite. Thanks for reminding me
xo.
It’s my number one favourite, too – I want to sing it at my funeral (a recording of me singing it, I mean…) That’s probably weird, but no other song I know expresses EVERYTHING important so beautifully
This is something I’ve been dealing with a lot very recently as well. Thank you for putting it into words in a way I never could.
Glad it resonated with you! Glad to be on this journey alongside you.
http://www.mettadrum.com/2012/03/9-ways-to-be-gentle-with-yourself.html
Enjoy!
Great link – thanks! Those are simple but profound and important things to remember!
A book you would love to read is that one I emailed you called “The gifts of Imperfection.” It talks about dealing with shame to enable compassion ect. It would be a good fellow journeyer for you in this phase. We all go through this. Especially us hot tempered passionate women. I do think it is more of a gift then a curse but I understand that in those deep moments of shame it does not feel that way. I go through stages but there is absolute freedom in seeing the beauty in the flaw- it is a daily practice in my life. So grace filled for me and it enables me to be understanding or patient to others flaws when I am with myself…but then I will go through another depression and have to re learn all over again. It’s a journey but luckily little books, quotes, comments ect slowly help us get there.
I think you are doing fine. You are only human. If we were supposed to be little angels or little Gods God would have made us that way. We chose the flaw but he chose to redeem that too so I think it’s fairly near the beginning of things if we believe in the goodness and are patient with our flaws and use them for good by encouraging others.
I think these moments will make you more empathetic:) Not that you are not- but life has a way of opening us up or shutting us down. I can’t see you being shut down:)
Yes, that book does sound intriguing! It is definitely all a journey – something that is essential to remember! Thanks for your encouragement and comment!
In my current journey of postpartum recovery, I have really struggled with wondering why and feeling resentful that I have to go through this; after all I can be such a better mother when I am not having to deal with this. But, I keep coming back to His strength showing through my weakness and how the time right now is highlighting my weakest areas that God can heal and use. I hear you on the “good enough” and I try it all the time…only now I have come to the place where my good enough really is…nothing. And oddly, while I really hate the struggles of this time, I have this joy in knowing that facing and walking through the worst, hardest, and ugliest parts of myself is making them beautiful and is leading to wholeness that I have never know before. A wholeness that I couldn’t know as long as I was able to be “good enough” .
I don’t know if that made much sense or if it was just rambling, but I just wanted to say that I hear your heart and I really appreciated reading this in the wee hours of the morning.
Yes, I want to differentiate between trying your best, and somehow being “good enough” on your own strength. I am learning that trying your best really means surrendering to God and letting him wash your life in grace – because we all surely need it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.