Mute
Yesterday I lost my voice.
Literally. I was hoarse and scratchy sounding most of the day, and if I tried to raise my voice just a little (ahem, not that *I* ever do that, ahem), it just came out in a raspy, powerless squeak. We still eat healthier than the average family, I’d say, but lately we’ve slipped into some bad habits. Like the tub of ice cream and bottle of chocolate sauce that I had hubby bring home last week after a VERY bad day. It wasn’t even that good, and it made me lethargic, achy, and gave me a canker sore on my tongue. Oh, it’s terribly shameful to admit it, especially because we know better, and we preach the “eat-right” gospel to all we can. So, today we are starting a one-week sugar fast. It’s harder than it sounds… it doesn’t just preclude ice cream, it also precludes things like ketchup, and a teaspoon of sugar in my tea. So here I sit, drinking decaf tea with stevia, discovering that I kind of hate the stevia aftertaste, and indulging in some self-pity.
It seems that losing my voice was perfectly fitting with the silence here on this blog as of late. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but the last couple posts have been more on the impersonal side, and I’ve posted a bit less frequently. I’ve struggled to find words that would be authentic and real, and yet not whiny and too personal. I’ve felt like a can of pop that has gone flat – I’ve somehow lost my fizz, and I’m not sure if it’s due to pregnancy tiredness, relational exhaustion, or what. I’ve wondered why I blog. I’ve vacillated between thinking I can take this thing somewhere great, and thinking how ridiculous to think that anyone would want to read my silly little words. I don’t want to garner anyone’s sympathy or pity, and I certainly don’t want to be asked in *that* tone if I’m “ok”. I am fine (although “fine” is not good enough in my books…)
We’ve been having some big conversations around our house lately. Things that we feel afraid to talk about with anyone else. Changing life goals, nurturing relationships, God’s calling in our lives, and all such confusing and intricate subjects. Deep sigh. Sometimes it’s all just a little heavy. Trying to figure it all out. Not knowing anything for sure. Wondering, discussing, talking in circles. What-if’s and when’s and how’s plague my thoughts in between each mundane task, silly dance party, and family meal around our table.
So, that’s where I am at these days. A little unsure, lacking in the confidence that others seem to possess, and just trying to muster up the courage to jump off this speeding self-pity train that I foolishly boarded.
I have a list of nearly fifty post ideas, so something a little more uplifting and useful shall be coming this way soon. As soon as I find that darn fizz.
(I can feel it already, having unloaded some of my heaviness here. Thank-you, if you’ve read all the way to the end!)
I’m not even pregnant, but I so know what you are feeling. For me I’ve almost felt some of this since I had Hallee and I’ve sort of wondered if I’ve had my own bit of post-partum hormonal issues… not necessarily depression, but definitely a long adjustment period. And I feel like my blog has definitely reflected that.
But I think that’s okay. Our blogs are extensions of who we are and we are not always consistently “fizzy.” We all have our flat days.
xo
The hormonal ride is really crazy in these baby-making years. I agree that our blogs are extensions of who we are, and I need to remember that that’s a good thing, even when who I am is blah and inspiration-less. Thanks for the encouragement
Oh, darlin’ Beth, don’t ever apologize for feeling those blah days…those blah weeks. Those life-changing transitions can sometimes suck the life out of anyone, leaving you feeling dry, overwhelmed and somehow totally unmotivated. We’re there too – in-between times life is such a lovely, laughter-filled thing but then there are those long stretches where we realize that the things we dreamed “in our youth” are now coloured with adult responsibilities, bordered by limits we didn’t expect, and seemingly unattainable. God knows. Our lives may be ever-changing, but He is not. Much love to you guys. Hope you have a much brighter day today!
Crys, thank-you so much for this lovely comment… I just feel as though I had a great chat and hug from you, and I feel so refreshed and encouraged! “Our lives may be ever-changing, but He is not” is one of the most profound and simple things I’ve needed to hear in a long time.
Pregnancy, deep conversation, and life changes have a way of sucking a lot out of a person, I hear you on the fizz. So maybe posts without the fizz won’t take your blog somewhere great, but those who love you care about your heart and your “fizzless” posts (which by the way, I don’t think this one is.) Wishing you are good day my friend.
Thanks for caring about my ‘fizzlessness’, too. Growing a blog is great and all, but friends are what sustain me in the “in-between days”. Thanks for understanding me.
ya, me too…
I’m even like that in person as well. I always tell Mark “I’m making a baby AND you want me to make conversation?” When I’m pregnant I’m happy living in my head. anyway, lovely post.
Haha, I love that. I’m so using that line. I actually walked away from a conversation that Chris was trying to pull me into the other day – he wanted to introduce me to people, just for the sake of “it would be nice to introduce you” kind of thing. They didn’t know what I was doing because they were engaged with chatting to another person in the group (i.e. it wasn’t overtly rude), but I just did not have the mental capacity to make small talk. It probably is a lot to do with pregnancy… huh, fancy that.
You know- this is perfect. I have blog posts like this. I am not meaning to be discriminatory to pregnant women- but in general I find writing goes down in q&Q when women are pregnant…I can usually even tell they are pregnant before they announce it from the writing. I am including myself in this. I think it is because all that blood flow is RIGHTLY concentrating on writing the most life giving gift. I would not feel bad about it as much as knowing your writing still counts- it just may be a tad different sometimes. (I still think your writing is great!) Hopefully that makes sense. I still find that happens to me during certain times of the month too as hormones really affect me…
That was a side note that hopefully most do not find insulting…Anyway, those issues ARE heavy topics. We just went through “those” discussions too and it is draining. You should come over:) Really…sometime this week or next week. You can relax and the kids can run around… I know what all of that is like. It is tough in another way. Email me with a time and I will make it work:)
You know, I hadn’t even made that connection to being pregnant, but it makes sense, especially given the wild hormonal ride that I’m currently “enjoying”!
Coming over sounds fun… let’s chat via email!