Yesterday I lost my voice.
Literally. I was hoarse and scratchy sounding most of the day, and if I tried to raise my voice just a little (ahem, not that *I* ever do that, ahem), it just came out in a raspy, powerless squeak. We still eat healthier than the average family, I’d say, but lately we’ve slipped into some bad habits. Like the tub of ice cream and bottle of chocolate sauce that I had hubby bring home last week after a VERY bad day. It wasn’t even that good, and it made me lethargic, achy, and gave me a canker sore on my tongue. Oh, it’s terribly shameful to admit it, especially because we know better, and we preach the “eat-right” gospel to all we can. So, today we are starting a one-week sugar fast. It’s harder than it sounds… it doesn’t just preclude ice cream, it also precludes things like ketchup, and a teaspoon of sugar in my tea. So here I sit, drinking decaf tea with stevia, discovering that I kind of hate the stevia aftertaste, and indulging in some self-pity.
It seems that losing my voice was perfectly fitting with the silence here on this blog as of late. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but the last couple posts have been more on the impersonal side, and I’ve posted a bit less frequently. I’ve struggled to find words that would be authentic and real, and yet not whiny and too personal. I’ve felt like a can of pop that has gone flat – I’ve somehow lost my fizz, and I’m not sure if it’s due to pregnancy tiredness, relational exhaustion, or what. I’ve wondered why I blog. I’ve vacillated between thinking I can take this thing somewhere great, and thinking how ridiculous to think that anyone would want to read my silly little words. I don’t want to garner anyone’s sympathy or pity, and I certainly don’t want to be asked in *that* tone if I’m “ok”. I am fine (although “fine” is not good enough in my books…)
We’ve been having some big conversations around our house lately. Things that we feel afraid to talk about with anyone else. Changing life goals, nurturing relationships, God’s calling in our lives, and all such confusing and intricate subjects. Deep sigh. Sometimes it’s all just a little heavy. Trying to figure it all out. Not knowing anything for sure. Wondering, discussing, talking in circles. What-if’s and when’s and how’s plague my thoughts in between each mundane task, silly dance party, and family meal around our table.
So, that’s where I am at these days. A little unsure, lacking in the confidence that others seem to possess, and just trying to muster up the courage to jump off this speeding self-pity train that I foolishly boarded.
I have a list of nearly fifty post ideas, so something a little more uplifting and useful shall be coming this way soon. As soon as I find that darn fizz.
(I can feel it already, having unloaded some of my heaviness here. Thank-you, if you’ve read all the way to the end!)