Those Horrible, No-Good, Terrible Twos
Adorably frustrating two-year-olds around the world have gotten a bad rap. To be honest, I don’t believe in The Terrible Twos. That’s not to say that my two darling children are the easiest children ever and passively obey my every word, thus rendering The Terrible Twos inconceivable to me. No. (Good heavens, no!) I get what people are saying when they talk about it, really I do. I have two kiddos who are full of life and each with a very strong will that is decidedly not always the same as my own will. I love seeing that, frustrating as it can be at times. As an idealist and an internal thinker, I’ve often felt misunderstood by those around me, and I often think that toddlers must feel misunderstood many times throughout their day.
I have heard many mamas further ahead on the parenting journey than me speak about how there are certain ages that may be a wee bit more difficult than others. But when it comes down to it, all stages have their own unique challenges. From infancy to the teenage years, every stage throws new curves at parents, requiring us to stay on our toes, constantly adjusting our strategies and learning new things. Friends of ours shared how difficult it can be to relate to their adult children, one of whom is now married. The dynamics of that are a whole new ball game, and they said that it is just as difficult as the younger years, but different. Our job as parents is never over, and if we’re holding our breath for our little darling’s 3rd (or any number!) birthday, hoping it magically gets way easier, well, we will surely be disappointed.
I guess I just don’t think that the stage of toddlerhood where kiddos are trying to figure this whole “I-have-a-will-and-I-am-my-own-person” thing is really all that terrible.
IF we have appropriate expectations, that is.
The photo above was taken when I discovered my two kiddos playing delightedly in a mess of cumin and garlic powder, driving trains in “the mud”, and generally making a really good mess. My vacuum *still* smells like cumin whenever I turn it on. I am glad to say that I did not get angry (ok, a little angry on the inside, but it was more at myself for leaving my spice jars within reach on the countertop). I know that toddlers do this kind of thing, and that they don’t do it with the intent of making my day miserable. They don’t even think about the mess that now has to be cleaned – they are too busy having fun, following their natural instincts to explore and discover, especially when it involves new things.
At the moment, I have a 3.5 year-old and an 18-month-old. One who just finished being a two-year-old, one soon to join the ranks, and another babe due to join the family in this summer, which means I will not be done with toddlerhood for a good long while. I believe that if you think of discipline as a path or a journey, instead of a quick fix, then expectations are quickly modified. Instead of expecting first-time obedience to our every command, we expect that our child will learn to obey gradually as the natural development of reasoning, impulse control, self-awareness, other-awareness, morality, a sense of duty, etc. all take place.
A two-year-old’s world is heavily defined by their growing sense of self. They have a will that is separate from anyone else’s, and they love to express it. They are very self-centred, in a developmental sense, and have trouble understanding why they would not be given what they want. They also have very little impulse control at this stage, and are the definition of curious. They love to explore, and the more mess the better.
So, given all of these natural developmental traits, it is a wonder to me that some people actually expect their toddler to obey them. I certainly do try to teach my kids to obey, especially when they reach 18-months-old or so. Language and understanding really begin to take off, and when I look into Aliza’s eyes and hold her gaze, saying “no” in a firm voice, she really gets it, and often obeys with no issue. I’ve found that the key with her is to hold her gaze until she looks away, and keep my words simple (“No” or “no hitting”, etc). She doesn’t always obey (at which point I help her to obey, even if it involves physically guiding her to what I want her to do, removing her from the situation, distracting, or any of my other tools in my parenting toolbox), and I don’t expect that at this stage. I do expect her to continue learning and growing in an understanding of right and wrong, and most importantly to gain the desire to obey out of love and respect.
I have seen the difference that adjusting expectations makes. We expected far more from our firstborn than he was truly capable of doing, and I spent most of his toddlerhood being immensely frustrated, thinking there was something wrong with me or him, or both. Now that he is a preschooler, and I’ve been at this game a few years now, I’ve gained some more knowledge of child development and some tools for relating to him at different stages. I am quite honestly finding my kids to be (mostly) delightful to be around, and a joy to parent. They are both spirited, high-energy kids, and I am having a total blast seeing them develop and grow.
The Terrible Twos? Nah. More like The Terribly Misunderstood Twos. You really can enjoy these toddler years – we certainly do!
What challenges have you experienced in parenting toddlers? Do you think that any one age is significantly more difficult than the others? Would you enjoy more posts on gentle parenting tools?
* A note: I don’t believe in enforcing obedience through force (punishment, spanking, time-outs, etc) or attempt to simply modify their behaviour through positive or negative reinforcement. This however is another post for another day, if there is interest in that sort of thing…
Steph – I think twins requires an extra measure of, well, everything! I too wish there was some sort of gentle/positive/attachment parenting group. I’d love to take a class like the ones mentioned in “Raising your Spirited Child”. Maybe once we’re experts (ahem. haha) we can start something.
Beth –
I just posted this on an attachment parenting group I’m a part of on the ubiquitous facebook, and thought maybe if I put it here there might be some additional wisdom to glean…
I’m in central Africa right now, visiting my parents and sans husband. My Maren is pretty spirited (she’s a new 3). Nate, though much more easy going, is showing that he definitely has his own ideas about things (he’s a new 1), a la screaming, head banging tantrums, for example. I’m pretty wiped, EVERYTHING is new, etc, etc, but the reality is that I find myself angry with my daughter more than I enjoy her. Or, at least it sometimes feels that way. This is not a new issue, although I know the new situation is presenting a new challenge for my new-averse kiddo.
We’re definitely very AP in our parenting, but our current methods are not working. My parents are big on punitive parenting, and are NOT happy with either Maren’s behaviour or my responses to it. They say, however, that they are willing to follow a “plan”, if I can verbalize one to them. Their proposed plans are things like, if she yells “No!” at me, then she goes to her room (someone can stay with her) and can’t come out until she appologizes. While I can’t quite articulate why I’m not entirely comfortable with this plan (I think it’s the forced “Sorry”), I also see what they’re aiming for with this. I just want my kids to behave because they know it’s the right thing to do, not because they are afraid of the punishment if they don’t.
Anyway, huge long saga to say: Could we have a little bit of dialogue and possibly come up with some AP responses to a few classic situations? Could we discuss a little how we deal with parenting criticism? Especially if, like me, you have a “disobedient” child (I think this makes AP look very permissive and not very effective)? In concrete terms, not “expect good behaviour” and “build a good relationship”. We have a pretty good relationship, but my kid can out-expect me any day.
Our current challenges are safety (running away in unsafe spaces, mostly), and helping. Not sure how to word that last one, exactly, but in any given moment, I have about a 50/50 chance of getting co-operation, vs outright defiance, if I ask my three year old to do anything helpful (pick up the toys she threw all over the lawn, put her cup in the sink, wash her hands, find a toy for the visitor to play with when she doesn’t want to share her special doll, etc). Night time is also a big challenge, with frequent wakings resulting in SCREAMING for Mama, which results in two awake children and one cranky mama. Suggestions on these situations or any other, experiences, what has worked, what hasn’t ideas…???
Thanks so much
Kate… this is such a huge topic… I am working on another blog post with some of these things. I’ll keep you posted. I feel bad leaving you hanging, but I don’t know how to begin to answer your questions succinctly. It’s a conversation worth having, for sure. Let’s do it!
I really enjoyed this post and your perspective on toddlers
I don’t have any kids yet, but I hope I will enjoy any future toddlers that come along with the humour and grace that shines through this post!
Thanks Alyssa, that’s so sweet of you to say!
I found my oldest wasn’t that hard until 3 either, but the twins have been difficult from the start. We are in the two’s for about 6 months with them now and every day is a challenge. I have been wanting some parenting advice, but don’t know where to start. I know our current strategy isn’t working, but I am afraid to let them walk all over us as well. I think changing my thinking about their motives should help a lot though. I would love to see more posts on this topic…and maybe even some books that have been helpful to you. Thanks for the post!
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/0071471596.php (The No-Cry Discipline Solution)
I haven’t read this particular one, but I loved her No-Cry Sleep Solution. I’d also recommend Ames & Ilg’s series called “Your two-year-old”, “Your three-year-old”, etc. etc. I loved the 2 year old one when Isaac was 2… it helped explain a ton about his behaviour and why he acted certain ways, from a child development perspective. They aren’t your typical parenting books… they are helpful in a whole different way.
Oh, SO agree about these poor misunderstood developing little people! First of all, I’ve found that Sara wasn’t “terrible” (hard to understand) until age 3, and then life got very difficult for us as we sought to understand and be understood by her. When we sit down with her face to face and ask her “what happened” after some incident, her explanation is usually plausible and often truthful (not always, though). She responds so well to being encouraged to do the right thing rather than chastised for doing the wrong thing, and she is more likely to do the right thing later. Not always – and I can see the little evil (not mischievious, as I’d love to believe) gleam in her eye when she does something nasty – but often. She’s a brilliant little person and I so love watching her come into herself.
I too love asking him (Isaac) why he did something, and hearing the surprising things that come out of his mouth. Such fun
2, 3, nd 4 were my favorite ages with ciara. We went with the philosophy in our home, that if we were stupid enough to leave something for ciara to break or destroy, that it was our fault not hers. Children learn by touching, not so much by looking. They want to hold it, bang it off something, play with it. Thats how they learn. I loved these ages, everything was an adventure and I remember just having so much fun together.
The age I have found the most challenging so far is 5 – 7. (the one we are currently in). Somewhere in her 5th year(prob closer to 6) she just got snarky and the attitude kicked in. I find defiance so frusterating, so this age has and is teaching me patience. We only spanked her from the ages of 3 – 4 and then decided it just was not effective for our child, so finding a way to discipline her for the defiance has been a challenge.
I am really looking forward to having the toddler years again with the baby thats on the way =)
I agree with that philosophy so much. Kids just are not good at impulse control, and it’s really unfair to expect them to be.
I think one of the most rewarding ages for me in parenting is from about 15 months until about 36 months. At that age, children are so eager to learn and understand and achieve. They love repetition and take to commands excitedly (if they are in the mood
With an ample amount of follow through and loving firmness, “two year olds” are a pleasure to be with.
But my poor Anna Kate, she gets me before I know what I’m doing. Almost six years old has been hard for me. Probably because I’ve been sick and majorly slacking in communication and one on one attention with her. I feel like I have a few months of work ahead of me to get to the bottom of her snarky tone and overall angst.
Yeah, the attitude thing scares me. I’ll be looking to you for all your wisdom when my turn comes!