Do you ever feel that your heart is a little bit rumpled and in a state of disarray? Slightly frayed around the edges?

I could have entitled this post “the curse of the idealist”. If you know me at all, you may have guessed that I am a strong idealist. Kamille at Redeeming the Table is somewhat of an expert on the MBTI personality profiles, and she wrote about the INFP type (my type) that “they have a deeper sense of idealism in them than of the other NFs.  In fact, it’s their idealism derived from their strong sense of morality, which makes them believe that the world is an ethical, honorable place.  Their idealism is connected with their ability to be self-sacrificing for someone or something they believe in.  This idealism also leaves them feeling disconnected & alone in the world.”

The quotidian blessing of laundry and cranky children and stressed-out husbands and tight budgets are indeed blessings when viewed through rose-coloured glasses. And yet some days they are simply tiresome, heavy burdens to overcome. Even my own idealism fails me on some days. What shall I do, then? Lean more completely on Christ? Always a fine idea indeed. But perhaps it might be wise to ask of my own part in my own condition. Have I sought the wrong things? Too many good things? Taken on more than I should have and squeezed out the One Thing that really matters most? If I’m being perfectly honest, perhaps a yes of varying degree should be answered to each of these questions.

Last year in the Christmas season I made a goal for myself to have a handmade Christmas. It was perfectly laid out in my head (big picture, of course – executing minute details gives me hives). Handmade jives with who I am so well – my personal values for buying less, embracing my creativity, avoiding thoughtless and impersonal gifts, and being intentional in opting out of the consumer mentality.  I began gathering and ideas and inspiration right away (hello, pinterest!). There are some seriously brilliant homemade gift ideas out there – beyond badly knitted potholders and pictures painted by your kids (though both could be given with heart and soul I’m sure). I won’t list them here just in case I end up going completely against my nature and actually finishing some of these projects that I’ve been eyeing.

In addition to a making all of our Christmas gifts (for a list of nearly thirty family and friends-like-family), I also aspire(d?) to execute one of those creative ideas to observe advent with my children, with a small activity for each day, maybe a small piece of candy (homemade, of course), and a family devotional thought to do each evening at supper-time. I have the perfect retro advent calendar that I thrifted last year, hanging empty on my wall, taunting me with its start date edging closer and closer.

Then there are the photo books. For the past several years I have made a photo book to give to grandparents each year at Christmas, and each year it has expanded and grown until it is now a beautiful record of our family’s life and adventures over the past year. Last year my sister and I collaborated, so that my parents’ grandkids were all included in the same book. I believe it was around 150 pages, which of course means weeks and weeks and a ridiculous amount of late nights with many hours spent editing and perfecting. Not something I am willing to let go.

Oh, and Christmas cards! Good grief! Every single year since we’ve been married (coming up on nine years this spring!) I’ve desperately wanted to send out Christmas cards. I know that it’s an easy “no” for many people. It’s at the bottom of the priority list (or not on it at all), and it’s so often begrudged with a sense of duty, that lately I’ve often heard declarations of skipping the whole dang thing. I have to say though – I love Christmas cards. Growing up we’d have dozens of them, all taped to the front closet door, giving tidings of joy and friends and news from afar, all simply given with love from a greeting and a handwritten address (aren’t those a rare sight in your mailbox these days?!). Perhaps it’s the nostalgia, perhaps it’s the thought that goes into it… whatever it is, I love it. Plus, I already got the family photo printed to tuck inside, so I kinda have to now.

As December draws nearer, and these lofty goals begin to openly mock me, I grow more anxious, more stressed, and more smothered. The wants have become needs in my idealistic mind, and I think… I may just be coming to a place where I can admit… that I can’t do it all. Amidst first trimester pregnancy fatigue, chasing two other monkeys around, and keeping up with a home… not to mention trying to keep up some semblance of a blog (because when I let my writing go, I begin to feel rumpled and frayed and bottled up)… I am still only one person. One person with a tendency to dream and think up all kinds of big ideas that will bless my family and bring satisfaction and joy. A love for Christ expressed in a way fitting for how he created me. All of these things aren’t bad in and of themselves – they are beautiful ways to honour the Christ-child, born in a manger so many years ago.

The problem is, none of these are honouring to Christ if part of the package is for my heart to be all in disarray.

The question is, what do I decide to cut? What do I give up? What dream must I mourn and how many times do I have to bring my head out of the clouds and back to the hard realities of my capabilities and situation?

No perfect answers as of yet. Stay tuned??

{How do you balance all of the things you want to do with the amount of time that you have? Are you an idealist also?}

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PS. You can find me over at Kelly’s place, The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking, today as well. I guest posted on the subject of Ten Tips for Cooking and Hosting a Stress-Free Turkey Dinner. I would love to hear your own tips in the comments over there!

Beth

Beth is the creator and editor here at Red & Honey, a lifestyle blog for the naturally-minded homemaker. She recently began a passionate love affair with coffee and her life will never be the same. She has had three babies in less than four years, is a professional laundry-avoider, and loves to stay up way too late making weird stuff from scratch that normal people tend to just buy in a store. Hence, the coffee.

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