{Day 1} A Peace in My Heart and a Mess in My Kitchen
{Today is the first day of October, which means that from now until the end of the month I will be posting every day with a “Real Housewife Confession”. I am dividing the month into four sections, as outlined in my intro post, and the first section is on Homemaking. (By the way, I’d love it if you grabbed that cute little button over on my sidebar and stuck it on your blog to let others know about this 31 Days series.)
Thus, today, my confession is this: I don’t keep my house as clean as others might, and I’m ok with that. For us, it’s clean enough. A clean house is often a source of pride among women, and I want to encourage you today that a clean house does not define you as a homemaker, nor is a rule by which you are measured. The state of your home is irrelevant to your worth before God and your family, if your heart seeks to honour your family and God. There are so many priorities to balance for a mama, and I think you are more than likely doing a fabulous job! Give yourself some credit, and stop feeling guilty that it’s not perfect. As you will read below – I recently discovered that I’m not perfect (go ahead, laugh uproariously), and to be honest, it’s a wild and freeing concept. Can you let it sink in?}
I sink into the soft couch that we bought as newlyweds, sip a cup of tea, and catch up on my google reader. There are toys sticking out from under the couch and scattered at my feet. The kids are both finally asleep, and my thoughts are my own for as long as I dare stay up and sacrifice precious sleeping hours to precious kid-free hours. I put up my tired feet as my heart rumbles and comes alive and I contemplate my place in this home. I am a wife and mama. I am a housewife. I’ve been the very definition of barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen on more than one occasion. And yet, the insidiously sneaky discontent winds its way into my soul like a slow-moving sloth, hardly noticeable until I’m choking and desperate. Here’s what I have discovered: I’m not perfect. (Newsflash to myself! The entire world and all of eternity already knew that little irrefutable fact).
In my rational mind, I’m totally ok with it, and even make great attempts to embrace my flaws and “uniqueness”. My weaknesses make me lean on Jesus! Hallelujah! But deep in my gut I find myself compelled to get it together already. To have a clean and tidy house most of the time; and when it does get dirty, it’s of the charming variety (oh look, there’s a a smidge of dust on the doorframes, tsk tsk, time to scrub and shine again!). In reality, though, sometimes my house gets to the “Red alert! Unidentified substance growing in toilet bowl rims!” stage. Children go missing under mountains of clean, unfolded laundry that never makes it to dressers before getting picked out in the morning and worn again. Toys scattered over every inch of living room floor don’t get tidied up every day mixed with crumbs and withered up carrot sticks, and sometimes it’s days before I see the carpet again in its entirety. Sometimes, I’m just too dang tired to pick up the little bits of food that my toddler throws from her high chair, and they get vacuumed up weeks later after having dried into unrecognizable hard bits.
I keep the house “clean enough”.
I have other interests that I devote time to as well. I cook, care for my kiddos, I write, I read, I take the kids to the park, and I remind my preschooler to speak kindly for the millionth time that day. I wish sometimes that I could have a perfectly clean house at the end of each day, but I’m just not willing to sacrifice my every waking moment to get it. And you know what? I’m truly ok with that.
When I stop, take a moment to grasp the grace that is being freely offered I breathe more deeply than I have in a very long time. I embrace the truth that I am enough – in my housekeeping, in my imperfections, in the way my heart is just trying its darndest to please Him, and sometimes I fall way short, but I keep trying. Sometimes laziness creeps in, priorities get out of whack, and I need to tip the scales again. I redirect and I find my balance, my rhythm, my imperfections and strengths. There is a peace in my heart when the dishes are undone, but my son beams and bounces with excitement because I’ve come to play trains with him. When my daughter giggles with breathless excitement over simply being chased around the living room with threats of tickles. When I write an article that expressed my heart and encourages another mama in some way. When my husband is blessed by the messy-but-happy home he is welcomed into every evening.
There’s a peace in my heart, a mess in my kitchen, and love just lavished around with abandon.
It’s a good life.
How clean do you keep your house? How do you deal with the days (seasons) where the housekeeping just feels totally out of control? What values are important to you in your homemaking?
I’m just starting your 31 day journey tonight:-) This topic is such a tough-y for me. (I didn’t read all the comments, so not sure what others have said.)
My husband required a much cleaner house than I could offer. For 4 years I battled my husband’s ideals, and told him multiple times that he was “missing the point”. He even got me a book on organizing! I tried. And tried. And tried. I became exhausted and developed so much contempt toward my him. How could he not see my heart? And see my loving desires to even be a stay at home mom and wife? The messies manual didn’t correct my cluttered home. As I started dealing with my fears and resentment toward that man, I discovered a whole lot about myself. What I thought was a little bit of clutter, was ME missing the point. I’ve learned that a messier home comes from a certain personality. And this type of person is a giver to the -nth degree, usually has so many things to do, is a dreamer, or an entrepreneur’s entrepreneur. Sounds great, right? However this person is anxious and fearful, lacks personal boundaries, and has a difficult time saying no! I could say I was certainly double-minded. I had to have my family on a perfect diet, fix the stacks of clothes that didn’t fit right or needed repair, grow a garden, throw a baby shower, be at church every Sunday and community group every Thursday, read through some C.S. Lewis and Spurgeon, have a great blog… and do it all perfectly. Not only could I not say no to throwing the baby shower and databasing my great aunt’s recipes, I couldn’t say no to myself. And over time, over the extent of my life, I lived in chaos. As soon as I started saying no, in freedom, with responsibility, and in love, my house was cleaner and my heart and head felt lighter too. I was able to concentrate my time and energy on being a simpler but more dynamic wife and mom.
This may not be the same profile for every wife of a messy home, but being messy certainly reveals a lot about ourselves. The pressure from my husband (even in his sin… lol) helped me learn tips and tricks for a tidier space. Coming out of my debilitating fear, I was able to ask him to help me – like adding more shelves, getting rid of crap, teaching a 2 year old to put away toys, and even moving to a place that better suited our life.
Looking forward to reading more…
-M
Great post! I enjoyed reading it and the comments. Back in the day (when I was younger) I had a spotless house, you could eat off the floor, really. That was before kids and before husband. So obviously I had much more time (even though I was working full time and then some) and I was the only one messing it up. As the years have gone by I have gotten more lax. And sometimes I just don’t care – sometimes I really do. It’s then and when we have company that I clean. I’m not sure I am always okay with it but it’s my life right now so I try to be.
My favorite line: “my thoughts are my own for as long as I dare stay up and sacrifice precious sleeping hours to precious kid-free hours”
Isn’t that the truth?? It’s what I’m doing right now, in fact.
I struggle with the housekeeping part. I am a mess when my house is a mess. I am much calmer, much nicer person when my house is picked up and my chores are 90% done. I *can* sit and look at the mess while enjoying a book but it will come back to “bite me” later. I know I’m not alone and don’t worry, I *never* judge. . .I actually wish my mood wasn’t so linked to the house!!! Anyway, it is what it is and reading through your comments I see that there are many variations of us out there. Thanks for getting the conversation rolling.
Love the different perspective – thanks for sharing. I really think it comes down to personality, which is totally fascinating to me. Do you happen to know your MBTI type??
My house feels so much better and I like being in it so much more when it’s clean. But am I good at keeping it that way? Heck no! And yes, I beat myself up over it.
Great post. I found your blog through the 31 Days link and I think I’ll stick around.
Thanks Jen! So good to hear from others who struggle with the same thing! I hope you do stick around
Great Post and gutsy!! When I wrote a post on keeping balance recently, I wasn’t sure how it would be taken (my messy house), but others let me know they struggle as well. It is so hard to keep the balance when life bombards us all the time. It is hard to keep a simple life, clean house and be the wife and mom we should be. I know that I can always clean house, but my boys won’t be asking me to play tractors in the dirt for long. My oldest is a neatie-which comes in so handy
and I am trying to keep a neater, organized house…farm life intereferes often. I don’t want them to think the house only gets clean when company comes. ((Did I just say that out loud?)) Sigh. That’s the way it is for us during this season in our life. We have a mostly clean house, just cluttered, and most importantly, we are enjoying life and each other. Looking forward to following your posts and being part of the 31 Days Ladies.
your comment about your house only being clean when company comes made me laugh because recently my oldest daughter said “mom, who’s coming over?” when I was vacuuming.
My bathrooms only get cleaned when company comes. It’s a good thing we have people over fairly regularly
Blue carpet… I mean, great post
Having a clean house is very important to me and I just feel over all AWESOME when my house is organized. But I’m really lousy at it and I struggle daily. My house always feels messy and when it’s clean, it never lasts very long. I don’t tend to feel guilty though… just foolishly optimistic that someday I will be good at it.
So good that you’ve managed to avoid the guilt. Foolishly optimistic is ok
seems you and kelly are on either side of the spectrum
Somewhat, I guess. I think we’re talking about different things though. I love all of that organization stuff.
Amen, Amen and AMEN!!!! This is EXACTLY what i needed to hear this morning, Beth. Thank you
{Do you mind if i share this link on fb?}
Gosh no, I’d be honoured!!
Hi Beth! I am un-lurking today
Housekeeping has been a big thing I’ve wrestled with in figuring out my identity/values/worth as a wife, and I know I may well have to start from square one when we ever have kids! I want my home to be comfortable and welcoming, for Matt and I to enjoy our life together here and share its goodness with others, and for me it is very often my own expectations that are the biggest barrier to that. When I get too picky or critical of the state our apartment is in, I get frustrated and overwhelmed and not that nice to come home to (I work, but get home before him most days – all the more time to stare hopelessly at all there is to do!).
I found FlyLady.net to be really helpful, although right now I have even given myself the freedom to delete the emails most days and not bother with the “missions”. FlyLady helped me to recognize that I was being too hard on myself and that perfectionism was sabotaging any efforts I did make! So now I try to do what I can when I can, hold on to a good attitude, ask for help when I need it, and remember that life can me just as good whether the hall needs to be swept or not!
SO, I have realized that tying my identity/worth to the state of our home is ridiculous! “Great housekeeper” is not anything I would hope to have said in my eulogy (and I’m sure it won’t, lol), and if the apartment is “clean enough” most days, what I really do strive for is (like you said in your title) peace in my heart.
Hey Alyssa! Good to hear from you
This is definitely a good thing to be pondering before you have kids to make it even harder. I think the point of it all is where you heart is – and only you and the Lord can decide that. I love that concept that perfectionism sabotages you – I totally agree.
What a great post. I struggle with this myself because my mother kept a pretty clean house, as did her mother. But I have to remember that I was an only child, I have 3 children, and I don’t have memories of how the house looked before the age of 5 (which none of my children have reached yet.) I looked up to my mother and cherish her memory since she passed away in my teenage years, so I struggle often with trying not to compare my situation to hers. Sometimes the thought passes through my head…”what would Mom think if she saw my house!” But she was not that kind of person anyway. I don’t think my house is unhealthy dirty, just not as tidy as I would like. At home every Saturday the dusting, vaccuming and scrubbing was done. My toilet looks dirty before I scrub it , dusting is more like once a month, and only recently have I been able to vaccuum the entire house once a week. I also struggle within myself though because I am a perfectionist and clutter can make me claustrophobic. I have learned it has a lot to do with just too much stuff so I have been perging a lot lately!
Ha! How the house looked before age five – that would be interesting to see, eh? I agree – mine is not unhealthy dirty either… and I do love when it’s clean and sparkling and perfectly organized. It just doesn’t happen all the time! If it makes you feel better – I don’t dust. Not having a ton of stuff that gets dusty helps
I have struggled with this as well. I am far from a perfect housekeeper, and I don’t even have any children yet, eek. While I do keep the house clean enough (as you put it), it is not a priority for me to have everything spotless all the time. I would much rather be outside of my house anyways experiencing life in nature with people. I am okay with it, but I worry when people are coming over what they will think.
I found this recently on Pinterest, and it has sort of become my motto:
http://d30opm7hsgivgh.cloudfront.net/upload/231121753_FOF3hswA_c.jpg
A resource you may be interested in is `31 Days to Clean: Having a Martha House the Mary Way.` I have been wanting to read it, but it seems to only be in ebook format, and I have no ereader. It sounds as though it would really help a person strike the right balance.
It’s hard to come with that balance, isn’t it? I think whatever goals you have as a homemaker, as long as they are honouring to God and your family, are great. It will certainly be different for all of us, and I hope that women can embrace their own family balance and not feel guilty – either for having a really clean house, or one more on the messy side. As long as you and your family have decided what kind of home you want, and you are intentional about your homemaking, I think that’s the main thing.
I have heard of that book – as far as I know, it’s an ebook that you can just download as a PDF… you don’t need any special reader or anything for it. It does look like a good one, I agree.
This is always a bit of a challenging topic for me. I am not a perfect housekeeper and most who have entered my home would agree. You know, you have spent time in my home and you read my blog so you have heard my little rants. But the truth is that having a clean house is important to me; I cringe at the feeling of dried bits of food under my pregnant barefooted self, a needing-to-be-cleaned toilet attacks my hyper-sensitive nose, and I really dislike touching a sticky chair or heading out for some where and digging through mounds of laundry for the clean amongst the dirty. So I do set aside specific time each day for that part of my life and I feel like it is as valid and honoring as spending time with my children, loving my husband, or giving time to my more creative outlets; I truly believe that it enhances them. I don’t think the state of my house decides my worth, either tidy or messy. And truthfully, while I know that your post isn’t intending this, I often read blogs or hear comments that make me feel guilt for this being something that is important to me. As if a clean house is a source of pride but time spent playing with ones children, creativity of my art, or brilliance of my writing never is. Or that if my house were messier, my relationship with my husband would be better and my children happier. That desiring a clean house is a “crutch”. That is not to say that there aren’t times where this is true, but I would also say that for me at least, there are times when the messy/untidy/unclean state of my house is also having a negative impact on my life and not just because I am putting pressure on myself to have the “clean house”. Does any of that make sense? Or did I just go off on an unintelligible rant?
Hi Missy, I think I get what you’re saying. Let me apologize if I didn’t convey my meaning clearly enough! My intention was actually more just to note that we all have different goals in our homemaking, and that we shouldn’t feel guilty if our standards are different. I mean, obviously there’s a line – I do clean my bathroom when it gets dirty – the difference might just be that you clean it often enough that it doesn’t really ever get dirty, and I wait longer a little longer between cleanings. I totally think that you can keep your house pretty clean and still have your priorities in order – I know that you do a really good job of this! I was just saying that for me (and a lot of it probably has to do with the kind of house I live in because it’s harder to keep it clean), my cleaning standards might be lower than someone else’s, and I’m ok with that. Too long have I felt guilty because my house isn’t spotless, but I want to remind myself that as long as I’m not being lazy, and I’m devoting my time to the things that matter, whatever balance I come up with is ok. It will look different for all of us, and this balance for us is what Chris and I have decided works for our family. Sorry if I implied that having a clean house is a negative thing! That definitely was not the intent! Does that make sense?
Oh, and PS – I think that negativity that you are sensing from blogs/comments about feeling guilty for having a clean house, as if that negatively affects your family life… well I think those are probably from people like me who are trying to rid themselves of that guilt for not having a perfectly clean home, because they haven’t chosen to make it one of their homemaking priorities. I totally think you can have it as a priority alongside your children, your husband, etc… it’s just that it’s lower down on some people’s priority lists, and that’s often associated with a lot of guilt. People like me look at people like you and wonder how you do it all… without doubting for a second that you can. One or the other styles is not better than the other – they are just different (hopefully that doesn’t sound too relativistic, lol).
haha, I have no illusions of “doing it all”. And I know that you are just sharing where you are at in your journey and I totally appreciate that. I agree that every one has different goals and priorities and they should not be made or change out of guilt or for what some one else might think. Mostly, I was just reading the questions you had and thinking that I come from a different perspective that is easily taken as pride. As in it is okay to talk about unwashed dishes in order to play (and it is admired as being “real”) but to talk about having a cleaning routine is easily labeled “perfectionist” or being proud or keeping up an image.
Marissa, I often feel the same way reading articles that depict clean houses as those in which the mothers have less focus for their kids. I know that is not the intent of this article and I think it is a gracious one. I just wanted to say that I have noticed the same trend elsewhere and it speaks the same message of discouragement to me.
For me, tidiness = sanity. I am the person who will tidy a room before relaxing in it because clutter hurts my head. I tend to let the toilets go a bit longer, but it’s a similar thing. I try to limit our possessions so that tidiness is easy to achieve, since it is that important to me. It takes me maximum 10 minutes to clean our playroom from disaster to tidy – I use a lot of baskets and rotate out toys. Because the tidiness is meaningful to me. I don’t own a tv and rarely watch a movie, so maybe some of that time opens up for me to do this, I don’t know.
It certainly doesn’t bother me if someone else’s house is not tidy when I’m there. If anything, I kind of envy them that it does hurt THEIR head… I am not judging them by my own preferences!
When I look back at a day in which I baked bread and made soup with my children, read to them on a few separate occasions, did crafts and alphabet work with them, and took them to swimming lessons and the library, I don’t really feel like my tidiness is affecting the relationship. And I also don’t feel like I do it all… there are just other trade-offs and I’m ok with that.
I don’t think a tidy mother is a disengaged mother any more than a mother with a high mess tolerance is lazy. I think we just all have different strengths and different levels of tolerance for various things.
*I mean I envy them that it DOESN’T hurt their head.