{Day 27} Sometimes I Forget My Ugliness
{above: getting my hair done for my sister(in-law)’s wedding in August}
***
I was browsing the bookstore, hot beverage of choice in hand, wasting time.
Teenagers have abundant amounts of free time, and I was using mine in a bookstore. I was a bit of a geek, which, in hindsight, didn’t help matters much… But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
I don’t remember how, but a beautiful large coffee-table-style book caught my eye. The subject? Redheads. Intrigued, I pulled it down to look through it. I opened it up to find beautiful full-page photographs of all manner of redheads. Young and old, curly and straight, freckled and non-freckled.
The introductory text began as follows: “Redheads are traditionally thought of as the ugly members of society…”
Ouch.
Um, thanks for that memo…
***
That was my introduction to the fact that red hair is not usually considered “beautiful”. Oh sure, I’ve had scads of people tell me in person that they think my hair is absolutely gorgeous. Random strangers, even. It happens regularly. But traditionally the blondes and brunettes are thought to win out over redheads in the attractiveness department. Call me sheltered, but I had no idea, until that moment. I wouldn’t say it scarred me for life, or shattered my self-image… but let me tell you – I never forgot it.
Every girl/woman goes through some sort of body image journey in her life. I’ve never met or heard of a woman who can honestly say that she’s never struggled to think of herself as beautiful.
That journey for me started at summer camp when I was a wee elementary-school-age kid, and a cabin mate informed me that she had figured out “what was wrong with me”. She told me that I “have no chin”. I did in fact have a bottom jaw that was too far back, and ended up having surgery when I was 17 to break both of my jaws, move the bottom one forward, shorten the top one, and I now have permanent titanium screws and plates in my head, holding them together {the surgery was for medical reasons}.
The thing was, I had no idea before that moment that my chin was any different from anyone else’s.
My self-image continued to unfurl its way into my consciousness when I was introduced to makeup at a friend’s house after school in grade 5 or 6. I discovered that my red-blonde, almost invisible eyelashes and eyebrows could be dark like the magazine models by using a bit of mascara and pencil.
I haven’t really gone out in public without makeup on more than a handful of times since.
Except… the last month or so. I’ve worn makeup about a total of maybe two times.
My naked face has been strangely liberating.
source: http://pinterest.com/pin/21246616/
You have to understand – this is momentous. I have always ALWAYS put on makeup just to leave the house for any reason – the grocery store, the library, good grief even the swimming pool (that’s what waterproof mascara is for, right?). I have wondered at times though what it was in my mind that prevented me from just letting go and being ok with the face God gave me.
To be clear… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with makeup, unless you think there is something wrong with your face without it.
I have also wondered what impressions my children were gaining as they watched me paint my face each and every day. Would they think that a woman could not be beautiful unless she was wearing makeup? Would my son learn to objectify women as objects of contrived beauty and slaves to the commercial beauty industry? Would my daughter learn that her physical worth was found in a makeup bag, and that she wasn’t good enough on her own?
I was at my favourite place here in Tiny Town to pick up a dessert and take it home for hubby and I just over a month ago. I had no makeup on, hadn’t showered, and basically looked like crap (according to my personal charitable assessment). Karen, the loveliest tea house owner in the world, asked if I was staying, and I sort of laughed and said “oh gosh no, I haven’t showered, I don’t even have any make-up on, I normally wouldn’t even have left the house like this if it weren’t for an insurmountable carrot cake craving!”. She looked me in the eyes and told me that she had actually been thinking that my face looked particularly beautiful at that time.
I don’t know if she was just being polite, but for some crazy reason, I believed her.
Of course, I’ve always known that I am beautiful “in Christ” (whatever that even means), beautiful on the inside, blah blah, etc. But something in me has recently changed.
I now believe it about my outside too.
{It had been brewing in me for nearly a year now, but my dear friend’s comment that night really did me in}.
Shortly thereafter I started going out in without makeup on. To places I’d never have gone before without at LEAST my mascara and eyebrow pencil. Girls’ night, Mom’s Group, out and about in town, the city, small group, etc. The funny thing was – I didn’t get treated any differently, and I mostly forgot that I “looked different”.
I am finding that the body image that the world tried so hard to place upon me has sometimes slipped my mind altogether, and I often find myself completely convinced that I am beautiful. Not in the cookie-cutter Hollywood kind of way, but in my own “me” kind of way. In the red haired and freckled kind of way. And, to be honest, I’ve always kind of thought that my blue eyes were a particularly pretty shade 
.
I laugh in the face of the branding of ugliness that is so prevalent among girls and women. I rebel against the self-deprecation that has become almost expected among us. I refuse to let those lies permeate my mind.
I have red hair.
Freckles.
A chin that I struggle to really love.
A stretch-marked and decidedly un-model-like body that has served me well, and a sexiness that you will not find in a magazine.
Gorgeous blue eyes (did I really just say gorgeous? hello, self-confidence!).
I sometimes forget my “ugliness”, and it’s a really beautiful thing.
***
{This post is part of my Confessions of a Real Housewife series. I’m a little behind due to first-trimester fatigue and the fact that we moved across town two days ago. I am plugging along and plan to finish the 31 Days regardless, so I hope you continue to read and share your thoughts. Thanks for grace and understanding!}
I enjoyed this post thank you for sharing…your story of Karen reminded me of a similar experience. It was back when Chris and I were still dating and I was sleeping over at his parents house. I had just finished washing off my makeup from the day, and Chris came into his room to grab his pj’s. He made a comment…wow your makeup has gotten better as the day has gone on…I was puzzled and thought he was making a joke at my expense, and told him I had just washed it all off, he didn’t believe me and told me I was beautiful. He was being sincere, wasn’t trying to be charming or make fun of me, he really thought I was more beautiful without my makeup! I still marvel at that, and often need to take a break from my makeup routine to remind myself I don’t need makeup to be beautiful, God already made me beautiful
You are lovely and this post reflects everything about you. Love it.
Well thanks, dear Sarah
I haven’t been to your blog before, but Alicia reads me snippets here and there. This is a great post, and as a huge fan of redheads, freckles and everything that comes with it, I have to say that anyone who doesn’t find redheads attractive is missing some screws. Just sayin.
Hahaha! Your comment totally made me laugh. Out loud, even
Thanks for your comment, Daryl… and I have to completely agree (plus, your wife is the poster child for gorgeous redheads everywhere 
Your face is exquisite without makeup. Yours is the kind of face that Renaissance painters would dream of discovering. There’s a certain delicacy about your features and a porcelain quality about your skin that is revealed when you are without makeup, a very sweet vulnerability about your eyes, a certain gentleness.
That is what I saw in your face that morning. I was not “just being polite.” And I wasn’t thinking, “beautiful in Christ” either (sorry to say – it’s hard enough for me just to be awake in the mornings, let alone spiritual!); I was simply thinking “beautiful.”
What kind of a word is “makeup” anyway? What do we have to make up (compensate) for? Implied deficiency is at the essence of this word. That or fiction (make up a story … make up an excuse) . Neither of those meanings apply to you. When people are told to “kiss and make up” that implies apologies are to be extended and forgiveness is to be granted and reconciliation is to be be effected.
And no “apologies” for your face are ever needed! I loved Alicia’s comment, “Your naked face is beauty full.” And, in typical word association mode, I think of Adam and Eve, naked and unashamed, before all the mess started and the grand coverup began and they had to make up a story for God in the sudden chill of that evening.
But here you are, full circle, naked face full of beauty, no longer “ashamed.” Perhaps the latter part is now possible because of grace, grace that has been bestowed upon you, that you are allowing to work within you, grace that can’t help but manifest itself on and through your face, no matter what you have on it at the time? Beauty full and grace full.
Whatever the reason, bottom line is you are one of those women who look beautiful with or without cosmetics!
Good grief woman! I’m blushing now! I don’t think I will forget your words here for as long as I live. Thank-you doesn’t even seem adequate. It really is all grace, isn’t it? That I should be able to see myself with His eyes, rather than the world’s? What a gift. As are you, my friend. xoxoxo.
WOW! I’m visiting your blog for the first time (linked through Twitter). What a beautiful post… and honest. I identified with so much of it! Thank you for validating the natural beauty that we all have. I too am one who would NEVER leave the house without makeup… for any reason. I don’t wear a lot. In fact, some people can’t tell the difference, but I can. I’ve become much easier on myself as my young daughter has taught me (humble pie) that beauty is not something we put on, it’s something that we are. She would often ask “Why do you wear makeup?” What could I tell her? “Because I think I look ugly without it?” What kind of example is that? Let’s show other women that our confidence is from Christ, not from without ourselves! Thanks for posting this!
Welcome Jenny! Thanks for visiting! Thanks for identifying with me. I’ve never worn a lot either, but it was all the difference in the world, in my eyes. Having kids definitely makes us look more critically at the example we are giving, in so many ways!
That’s so sad that you’ve had people and books tell you there’s something wrong with your looks!! And sad that you are definitly not the only woman who’s experienced it. I stopped wearing make-up myself after University. Mind you I had met my future husband by then and I felt much more lovable at that point, but still, I found self-confidence! For the record…I always found your smile contagious. I don’t know how anyone can be around you and not have their mood lifted. You smile with your whole face!
Hurray for finding your self-confidence! (and thank-you for that sweet compliment – what a perfectly lovely thing to say!).
I think it goes without saying (but I will do so anyway) that I think you are beautiful, with and without makeup. You truly are a beautiful woman inside and out, and I am so blessed to call you my wife. Just for the record, I have noticed that you haven’t been wearing makeup lately, but never said anything … I am proud of you for being willing to just be you – the beautiful you that God has made, not hidden, and not ashamed. I love you, and thank you for your honesty in this post.
Thank-you, my love. You are my favourite.
hear, hear!! this is fantastic. every word.
let the record show that i my two sisters and brother are all gingers and i love every strand of their hair! nothing quite so beautiful as a redhead:)
Thanks Suzannah. You are an encouragement to me, and such a peaceful and loving presence in my life!
I love this post! The no-make-up-thing is such an inspiration and so hard to do. A friend of mine does “no-make-up-May” every year as a reminder that she is truly beautiful! You are a beautiful lady, Beth. (: Inside and out!
No Make-Up May sounds awesome. Not something I would ever have attempted until just recently… but by this coming May, perhaps it will be a moot point for me
And thanks for your sweet words. I think the same of you. xoxo.
Your naked face is beauty full. Honestly your radiance draws me closer, as I grow in our friendship. This post was full of truth! Thank you from: another true redheaded, freckled friend
Radiance – what a powerful compliment. Thank-you, I treasure you!
I remember our conversation about make-up and I love this post! I love hearing women embracing their beauty in their “me” kind of way and letting go of the magazine and hollywood how we should look. I have been wearing sometimes again, but not all the time; mostly I don’t think about it now and I really appreciated saving the money too!
And what a great conversation it was, friend. That was the catalyst for this great journey. You can pat yourself on the back for that one
Well thanks:)…I don’t remember saying anything particularly deep or soul stirring but good to know that I can be a catalyst!