{Day 25} Foundations of a Great Marriage {Selflessness}
{under keys to a great marriage, see also: “marry a sexy italian pilot”. i’m guessing it’s relative to each person’s situation, but hey, it worked for me 
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{Yes, this is day 26. Yes, I’m just now posting a day 25 post. Yes, I do believe that means I am an official failure. OK, I’m (mostly) kidding. Perfectionism is a beast, but I will give myself grace. I will. I will…
I am 7 weeks pregnant, and this dang first trimester is steam rolling me right into the ground. I’ve been napping in the afternoons. NAPPING! I *don’t* nap. Like, uh, EVER. So the fact that my eyelids feel heavier than a half-ton load is quite the indication that perhaps this baby the size of a chickpea (or whatever other legume we’re comparing unborn children to this time) is completely and utterly kicking my (ever-widening) butt. It’s that crazy did-someone-slip-something-into-my-drink-because-i’m-gonna-just-pass-out-now feeling. It’s freaky. The first time I was pregnant this happened too, and I figured if I didn’t know I was pregnant, I would be convinced I was dying. Nonetheless I don’t want to give up, and I will have 31 posts in the end. I’m not sure if I will add an extra after the series to make up for yesterday, or if I should try to catch up now. Either way… I’m gonna keep chugging along…}
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So, let’s talk about selflessness. I think this is the number one most difficult thing to do in a marriage. Heck, just in general. We as humans are not inclined to selflessness, not in the slightest. Our human fleshly nature is prone to looking out for numero uno first and foremost, because if we don’t, then who will? (or so we think). It is counter-cultural, it goes against our nature, and it is nearly impossible on our own strength.
In other words, I am so freaking selfish. I am wrapped up in myself, my needs, my wants, and my desires. As much as I try not to be, I catch myself doing it again and again. This sinful nature warps my mind and clings to my leg like dead weight that just won’t let go.
And yet…
I strive. I do not give up. I trudge along toward selflessness, and I choose to die to myself and live in Christ. I can make a choice for selflessness in my marriage.
The dictionary defines selflessness as follows:
selfless
adjective
- devoted to others’ welfare or interests and not one’s own; unselfish; altruistic
- showing or prompted by unselfishness or altruism; self-sacrificing: a selfless act
Am I devoted to my husbands’s needs and interests above my own? Is he that way with me? It’s ridiculously tough to step out of the cycle of selfishness – how does one decide to start looking out for someone else’s needs above their own without confidence that it will be reciprocated? It’s a terrifying concept, to be honest. When you are first married, selflessness comes easily in that honeymoon phase. Or, at least, it did for us. We bent over backwards to one-up each other in politeness, acts of service, and acts of kindness. I would cook him a candle-lit dinner, clean the whole house, and bake his favourite cookies… all just to show how much I love him. Now, he’s lucky if I do just one of things once in a while (especially in these early months of my third pregnancy). The special things are fewer and farther between.
How does this happen? I think it’s a combination of tiredness (having kids!), laziness, and just plain selfishness. It’s not for lack of love, but because of that ever-present tug back our self-serving ways. Sacrificial love is elusive, especially in our current culture. It’s a battle that will not be won this side of heaven, but I do believe that striving towards selflessness with all our might is one of the keys to a strong and happy marriage.
Despite all of that, we know that a marriage partnership is best served by selflessness from both partners. The very act of marriage is a declaration that you care for this person and commit to serving his or her needs above your own. This is not meant to be a rote act of grim determination (though it may need to start out that way). Rather, it is a heart condition; the very act of dying to self is inherent in the journey of a Christ-follower, and this spills out into our relationships as well. Our motivation is love, and our hearts are desperate for genuine reciprocal selfless love. To be loved with abandon (of self-interest, of inhibitions), and to love in return – that is a gift.
I find that the closer I am to Christ in my days, the easier it is to act selflessly for my husband. To what is your heart attuned? (I ask myself). What is influencing your mind and soul? Turn your ears and eyes to Him, and you will find yourself emulating his character. Find Him woven into your days and seek the divine among the mundane. There is beauty in this wrestling, as we seek to throw off our old nature and take on the new.
I know I feel loved when he puts me before himself. It is a mighty powerful thing. And it can be the little things! In fact, it most often is the little things… like when I was finishing putting Isaac to bed the other night, and I finally came downstairs to him wiping down the counters after having done all the dishes and cleaning out the fridge (a task that desperately needed done), and he had washed the dishes that came out of the fridge too! He easily could have plopped onto the couch and relaxed instead of doing that task, but he didn’t. He chose to serve me by taking care of the chore I most dread, all without even being asked. I felt abundantly loved in that moment, and motivated to reciprocate.
It’s simple, but a habit I am trying to instill more strongly in our marriage. How does it start, if it’s not already there? It starts with me. I can change my own actions, and trust that he does love me enough to respond in kind (though I must communicate with him to be sure he understands what I am trying to do, otherwise he might not even realize that I am making an effort).
I obviously don’t have it all figured out, and if this post seems scattered and unclear, it is perhaps because I am in the midst of this journey myself. This is a daily struggle for me, as we’ve inched towards selfishness and laziness in our relationship and are trying to figure out how to die to ourselves again, mutually serving each other and loving sacrificially. It all sounds good in theory, but it’s a hard concept to make into reality.
How do you make selflessness a part of your marriage? Do you find it difficult? Do you think it’s important? If you would, share a way that you can serve your spouse in an act of selflessness.
Thank you for your insights, it is just what I needed to read right now. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. It can’t be easy to publicly share our primitive selves and weaknesses with others. Thank you for your efforts, for not giving up and for being the wonderful woman you are. You are validating and motivate me to do and be better.
Gratefully,Renee’
Thank-you so much for your kind words! I appreciate hearing your thoughts… thanks for reading
I loved the caption under your picture and I totally agree! The key to a good marriage is to marry a sexy pilot! Lol.
Really, though, this is beautifully done. A reminder we all need from time to time. Thank you for sharing it!
* “It’s all about me!” is what I meant to quote.
First off, you are NOT a failure! What matters most is what God thinks, and I know He definitely doesn’t think you are a failure. I know you set this as a personal goal for yourself, but really, you are human, you are very tired from early pregnancy, and life happens! Don’t beat yourself up, it’s totally understandable if you aren’t able to post every day this month.
Now, great post. It is definitely hard to selfless as everything in us wants to selfish and the world screams “It’s about about me!”. Definitely something I’m working on in my marriage as well. Well-written.
Krista
Yeah, I guess God probably wouldn’t see me as a failure. He’s more concerned with my heart. Easy to say, but hard to remember! Thanks for the reminder
We talked about this in small group last night too! We are doing the 5 love languages and last night was Words of Affirmation.
We as moms at home can feel like we ‘deserve’ or are ‘entitled to’ space or time or a break as soon as our husbands walk in the door after dealing with kid(s) all day… they don’t understand the kind of day we’ve had we think!! But we don’t know what kind of day they have had either and it’s easy to get worked up if they want 10-15 min to unwind before jumping in to the evening. We talked about communicating our needs as individuals to each other and even letting our husbands know what they are ‘walking into’ before they get home (if it invovlves a particularily frazzled mama and whiny kids for example) so that he can mentally prepare himself and let him know you’re going to need some extra help when he gets home. This helps avoid resentment from both sides and acting out selfishness which can be ugly and cause more problems.
I think that selfishness breeds when we DON’T communicate – if we say what we are feeling out loud we might actually realize how selfish or childish it sounds and can promptly apologize or change our discourse with our mate (or children!) I think most men would agree that they can’t read our minds and they don’t always know what we are really feeling, whereas selfishly we think they SHOULD know, or that it is obvious because of our attitude.
I could go on, but I’ll end with the thought that we need to get over ourselves (which is a daily choice) and choose to serve our husbands and our families. That might mean giving our husbands a weekend to themselves every so often or reading that book again with your kids when really you would prefer to do anything else, or not having a bad attitude if your ‘me time’ gets interrupted with a need from someone. That all being said, I think we also need to recognize when we do truly need a break as moms and women, and ask for that too!
you are so right, it would help immensely if we just communicated better with each others. there’s a good reason why communication is such a marriage buzzword. it’s difficult to do well, but incredibly important!
thanks for sharing your thoughts… i loved reading them.
I really dig this post today Bethala. Its actually one that I needed to read.
The funny thing is, I thought that maybe he would be a bit upset for having to clean & make dinner, but he was happy to do it.
Last night I was so tired. I had no desire to do anything (not even cook). Saj was so gracious and he cleaned up the kitchen and made spaghetti (which I appreciated so much
One thing that I want to do again is leave little notes for Saj in his bag for him to find. Its an easy way to communicate your thanks & appreciation, and mostly encouragement. Why wait till an anniversary, birthday or Christmas to express your feelings – just saying
That’s the best, isn’t it? When they do that stuff and are happy to do it. I think the happy attitude is the real selfless part. Leaving little notes… essentially doing more of those “young love” kind of things… that’s an excellent suggestion