{Day 23} Foundations of a Great Marriage {Physical Touch}
Yikes, the homestretch is upon us! I can hardly believe that the month is soon drawing to a close. Some days I have been more motivated and inspired to write than others, but I have successfully posted every day thus far. Not exactly always on topic (according to the weekly topics I set out), but hey, I’m an INFP, and tend to leave things open-ended, in case ‘something better’ comes along. It’s a blessing and a curse, really. Anyway, this is really not the point of my post for today…
I want to take the next couple of days and talk about some things that I see as necessary for an amazing marriage, before we end off the month with some thoughts on womanhood.
Today I want to share what I think, then I want to hear from you. Mainly because I don’t feel I have it all figured out, and would value your wisdom and input.
One thing that I think is absolutely essential for an amazing marriage is physical touch (and there are rare exceptions, like when a spouse is away from home for extended periods of time, i.e. military, etc). For the most part, for couples living under the same roof and interacting on a daily basis, I think it is vital that there be regular physical acts of affection. And I don’t just mean the obvious act of intimacy. I mean kissing, hugging, holding hands, touching one another in any way. Back rubs and foot rubs, even the simple act of his thumb rubbing my hand absentmindedly as we hold hands, or the way our bums snuggle up to one another each night before we fall asleep, or how our feet find each other under the dinner table. The way our bodies press together in embrace in the kitchen when stress levels are high and we’re all tired, and we just want to be on the same page.
I know that different people have differing levels of need for physical touch/affection, and that can sometimes cause a strain in a marriage. There is however a minimum, I believe. I think physical affection is a necessary part of a healthy marriage. What that minimum is, each couple will have to decide for themselves. What I do know is that when those things listed above are absent from our days, we begin to feel more like (grumpy!) roommates than married lovers.
It’s just natural, isn’t it? When you are with someone you love, you feel inclined to reach out and touch them in some way. We are created as physical beings with bodies that crave touch. It is one of those primal human instincts that is so basic, nad the lack of touch can even be harmful.
It’s so easy when you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re focused on other things, to forget and let the day slip by with nary a kiss or cuddle. I try to be intentional about touch in my days with my honey, in our journey to a great marriage.
Do you find it easy to let physical affection slip through the cracks? Do you intentionally make a point of kissing your spouse every single day? Any other thoughts?
Hi Beth,
Loving your blog so far. There are quite a few things that I’m finding we are on the same page about (health, homeschooling, home birth, marriage, etc.).
During our courtship, Ryan and I had a “no physical contact” rule to help guard our purity. Only “brief warm handshakes” were allowed.
We held hands during the course of our engagement (because I insisted), and our first kiss was on our wedding day. And since our wedding day, I’ve needed lots of physical affection every day to make up for it! 
So I tend to be the instigator, and almost always give him a kiss at the door when he comes home from work, as well as several hugs throughout the evening.
I think you’re totally right. A marriage lacking in physical affection can be compared to a roommate relationship.
Furthermore, I think that displaying (appropriate) acts of physical affection before your children can be helpful to shatter the contemporary stereotype of marriage as drudgery, chain-and-ball, boring, dull, frustrating, etc. Show them that Mom and Dad have an exciting, loving, warm and affectionate relationship, and then when their own time comes they’ll know what a good marriage looks like and that it is worth waiting for and fighting for.
Blessings,
Kristin
I totally agree! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and story – we didn’t do the same before marriage, but I can definitely see the value in it. Thanks for reading
I am not good at this AT ALL. I have been praying that I can be better at making myself better at “touch”.
PS Love that photo!
Steph
Thanks Steph!
Also Jeff is much more than I am, but I am trying. A big thing for me is that I need to feel respected and that he is actively involved with helping with the kids, etc before I feel affectionate towards him. One of my love languages is definitely acts of service. It’s been a struggle in our marriage, but definitely getting better.
Yeah, the whole love languages thing is so important… I also need to feel loved by him before I want to be physically affectionate.
So true, I agree. Well-written.
Thanks Krista
Years ago I read an article that mentioned a study that men who kissed their wives before leaving the house in the morning lived longer, and ever since we’ve started our day with that kiss!
Interesting! I had heard something along those lines as well, only it was that couples who kiss every day have extremely low rates of divorce, but couldn’t find a source to cite. I heard that it didn’t matter if it was a deep and passionate kiss or just a peck – it was the physical act of kissing that was important. I love that!
I was never much a spontaneous toucher or given to PDA. My family was affectionate in that we always hugged good night, good bye or things like that but not a lot of spontaneous touch. It took a little while in marriage, but Dan has won me over:), I find small touches so crucial through out the day for us to be connected. We generally touch alot but I do notice that there are times when we are busy and stressed where it gets way less (when it needs to be way more) and it definitely affects our communication.
It really does start to affect things, eh? It’s amazing how integral it is.
I must confess, hubby is far better at this than I am. He always remembers to kiss me when he gets home from work, but I’m not always the most enthusiastic responder, with a little one hanging on my legs and another little one drawing something on the floor. I’m working on it. I do agree that physical touch is integral in a marriage – not just half-heartedly, but intentional hand squeezes and distract-me-from-my-cooking kisses. Mm. And it’s good to think about it intentionally, too – because thoughts translate into actions…thanks for a great reminder! (:
I totally hear you on not being the most enthusiastic responder. I have to work on that too! It is hard when you’ve had kids stuck to you like cling wrap all day long.