{Day 15} We Won’t Share Our Hearts Because That’s a Dangerous Thing
So, on Thursday night I went to a girls’ night. Brownies, nachos, birthing stories (of course, haha!), etc. It was fabulous. Just what I needed.
You see, lately I’d been feeling a little bit lonely. I know, I know, Jesus is the best friend I could have… etc. etc. But to be honest, Jesus can’t sit and eat brownies with me and swap birth stories. He just can’t, for obvious reasons. See, I think that we were created to need each other. We as human beings are meant to be in relationship with each other.
My personality is such that I enjoy having a small group of deep friendships. Being involved in each other’s lives, kinda like family. That’s what I had back in Toronto, and that’s what I have been sorely lacking this past (almost!) two years since moving out west. I have gotten to know some really great women here, but have at times felt lonely nonetheless. Not really knowing my place, my tribe. I wonder does every woman feel this way to some degree? Those around me usually seem so comfortable and content, not lonely at all. They don’t seem to have trouble finding their place – whether it’s because they are one of those popular-everyone-likes-them types, or because they’ve lived around here forever and know everyone, or whatever. {The hard part about admitting all this is feeling like it makes me sound like a total loser so no one is going to want to be my friend after reading it.}
I wish we could all just share our hearts and our lives with each other… but alas, that’s not normal. So instead we’ll stick to chatting about the weather, our cloth diapering system, the best gluten-free recipe as of late, and some fall decorating tips and activities. If we’re lucky, we’ll share ideas for how to turn a bucket, a string, and a rubber band into an awesome DIY handmade gift, pinterest-style. But we won’t share our hearts, oh no, because that’s a dangerous thing.
And we women? We like to play it safe. Right?
Wrong. Some of us are actually just dying for a little raw honesty. A little solidarity, and a safe place to share. A place where we can be brave enough to cry without fear of judgement, with those who will promise to pray, then actually do it, and shoot you an email in the next day or two to see how it’s going. Is that too much to ask?
I suppose it is.
So today I ate the last of the brownies for breakfast. There’s my confession for today: I ate brownies for breakfast. Made with white flour, sugar, and a cup of butter (the only healthy ingredient).
The best part about the brownies though, was sharing them with friends on Thursday night.
This has been on my heart, too– having close girlfriends (even just a few) to get real with. I’ve prayed about it in the last year and really seen Him provide a couple of them for me which has been amazing. I’m praying for a friend of mine who recently moved out of country for the same thing and hoping the Lord provides for her in the same way soon. Thanks for sharing your heart on this.
“Some of us are actually just dying for a little raw honesty. A little solidarity, and a safe place to share. A place where we can be brave enough to cry without fear of judgement, with those who will promise to pray, then actually do it, and shoot you an email in the next day or two to see how it’s going. Is that too much to ask?”
I sooo get that. This whole blog post really touched me. I feel that way, too. I wish we lived closer, we would sooo get together! Miss you…
Krista
thanks for sharing your thoughts, strange how they sound like the ones in my head
it’s so nice to read my own emotions written down, that i can never seem to express myself.
Oh, and reading this really makes me want some brownies!!
Been there…no wait, Am there! I think the hardest part for me is that I had a best friend from high school through University, then we parted ways and aren’t very close anymore. Everyone else still seems to have those friendships, but mine’s gone. Some ladies are nice to me, but when they really want someone to hang out with, I’m not the first one they call. School/work seems to be a place where some friendships are formed because there is neutral ground. It’s not your house or their house. And you don’t have to invite them to come and risk them saying “no”. They’re going to be there anyway so you just plan to run into them and gauge their reaction to you over time to see if they are open to friendship. Being a stay-at-home mom pretty much rules all those opportunities out…so what are you left with!?
Well, quite obviously and thoroughly, I appreciate this. Thank you. (and ditto to Alicia’s comment).
And…yes.
Yes yes.
And looking forward to more evenings and conversations and connections and glimpses of the real.
Let’s get together again! I think all women got through this, even when they look like they have it all together… I’ve gone through so many seasons of friendships, and some have stayed strong, some haven’t…
Yes, Margi! Let’s get together!
I completely relate. I struggle to meet people and make friends at all, let alone get the relationship to the point of real intimacy. I have one friend who I’ve been close with since middle school, and she is the only person (other than my husband) I really share myself with. For a little over a year now I’ve been getting more active within our church to meet other women and foster new friendships, but I can’t seem to get past the casual small talk level. I don’t know what it is. Brownies for breakfast sounds like a good idea though.
It’s SO hard to get past the small talk thing. I wonder does everyone else feel the same way? Or are they happy with that level of intimacy? Do they just enjoy the fluff all the time? Ugh. So hard to tell.
“I enjoy having a small group of deep friendships.” That is so me…I loved all the friends that I had in TH and was thankful for the long held ones and the growing ones (like you) but here sometimes, I feel like I am going to die with the loneliness. Especially since, if I am not in my comfort zone (like TH), deep friendships don’t develop easily. Unless I have done the just hanging out and learning to be safe…I don’t do a lot of heart sharing. Thankfully, I do have Lola so I am actually going to make it…other wise, I think I would probably cry every day rather than once a week or so. and brownies mmmm.
Yeah, just when I’m starting to pass that barrier from fluff to real, people have to go and move away on me. Boooo
I’m so glad you have Lola though, because moving across the country to a brand new place is not exactly easy.
I’ve had brownies for breakfast too.
It does feel a little dangerous to share the things that are really on your heart, sometimes. And then, when you’re new-ish in a community, you are a little extra hesitant because you don’t want people to see too many of your flaws and run away screaming (or, more likely, run away and then tell all their friends about how needy and insane you are) before they figure out that your good parts more than balance out your bad bits. It’s a little scary. And it seems to take so.much.time. to get to a place where it feels safe to share the things you really want to, to start the discussions you really want to, to offer up your failures and hope for understanding, a challenge to do better and some ideas on how to do that.
Those are totally the friendships I yearn for too though.
yeah, that’s the hard part to communicate – that your good bits outweigh your bad bits… sometimes I feel like taking out a newspaper ad for friends would be easier
(seems like I’m not alone in the brownies thing
Wrong. Some of us are actually just dying for a little raw honesty. A little solidarity, and a safe place to share. A place where we can be brave enough to cry without fear of judgement..”
:: This spoke to my heart. Thank you.
Thank-YOU. Thank-you for “getting me”.
Beth, I can totally relate to that loneliness. I need my friends to be like family because my real family isn’t. But need is a difficult thing because we’re taught that need is shameful and embarrassing. God has really blessed me with some fabulous friendships, ones that feel like family. But it took 5 years to get here.
And I’ve totally eaten brownies for breakfast before too!
I know it takes time. I’m ok with that. It’s hard though because I am in the missionary lifestyle, knowing that it’s not likely that I’ll ever live anywhere long enough to really put down roots. Not in the foreseeable future, anyway. Oh well… there’s a happy medium in there somewhere.